Kids dad keeps changing visitation

[Blabbermouth93]

Quick go through I have 4 kids all with health problems oldest heart problems 2nd autism 3rd cardiac arrest leading to development problems and adhd and collapsed lungs and my fourth had meningitis now lead to seizures.

so here goes long story short we had a bad relationship he never worked a day in his life he had to do numerous contact centres and assessments to see his children.

we eventually split up when my 3rd son was 5 month due to him not getting help for my son having a cardiac arrest I had just found out I was pregnant with my daughter he disappeared for 2 and a half years so my youngest two and middle barely knew him.

I worked on letting him take the kids two nights a week he doesn’t pay for his kids and I have to pay him and give him stuff to keep them meals etc he sells there stuff.

now he keeps changing days he wants to take them if he takes them at all but wants me to write a letter to council to get a bigger house for him having them two days some weeks I obviously refused , he messages me daily for money I’m at my whits end my kids come back completely out of routine and it takes me 3-4 days to settle them again my 4 year old now is crying saying he doesn’t want to go to his dads but I don’t want to seem like I’m stopping the contact but I really don’t know what to do for the best now.

His daughter has had numerous seizures resulting in hospital admissions completely lifeless needing oxygen etc and him saying he can’t make it he’s busy let me know how she gets on it’s infuriating me now I just want a dad for my kids that care that being said my new partner is amazing with them and they have a brilliant bond with him I’m just not getting how there own dad can brush them aside like this

Would the council give him a bigger house for having the kids two days a week? Mine wouldn’t. Your situation sounds a lot like mine only my ex hasn’t seen them in a year (4 kids 2 with asd left when I was pregnant with the youngest) he’s never had them over night not once since we split and youngest is now 4, can’t force someone to parent

He can't parent.
He doesn't want to parent.
As tough as it must be op keep them safe and with you.

I know I can’t force him to parent but I just thought having them have both parents might be better for them hence why I’ve paid him but he’s controlling everything when he has them if he does if he doesn’t last week he messaged 20 mins before he was due to get them that he wasn’t taking them they where ready for him it was heartbreaking , I would keep my children with me if I’m sure it’s the right thing to do just worried my kids will hate me later on in life and I’m not the type of mother to keep a father from his children but this is getting beyond a joke and my kids are suffering and don’t have consistency the council have refused him a bigger house as they know he doesn’t pay or keep them the two nights , just don’t get exs like ours our kids have enough problems going on without in out dads it’s horrible to watch you just wish they would wake up and see what beautiful little people they have in front of them

Imagine your dc ever find out he had to be paid to see them. Poor bairns

I know I feel sickened now I’ve had to stop them taking pads etc to his because he’s selling them and I feel bad that they are thinking I’m being cruel by not letting them take things I just feel like they will think I’m being spiteful this isn’t the case after everything he’s done I’ve always tried to force the situation on him seeing them he’s hung up the phone up on his oldest son when he went awol for the nearly 3 year saying he didn’t have anything to say to him so I think the boat has passed trying to salvage that relationship my oldest is 9 but my asd son who is 8 thinks the sun shines out his back side 😑

Having a shit dad who has to be paid to look after them isnt better than them not seeing him.

My question is he blackmails me saying he can’t take the kids if I don’t give him money etc.

do I stop contact or do I go to the court and try get set days etc ? He messages me daily about 8-9 times in a row he doesn’t get the hint when I ignore him obviously when he has the kids I respond.

I just want it to stop I’ve just had to stop working been I have been a Carer for 10 years to deal with my kids health problems and his response is well I’m not your personal babysitter if I ask him to watch kids while I take other to hospital I’m logging everything so do I stop contact and take it to court or wait for him to do so and will my kids thank me for it or hate me in the long term

Dont pay him.
Dont arrange contact.
Contact cms about him paying you.
Block his number and email instead.
If he wants contact he can take you to court and set up days.

I contacted them to pay me he was due me 4K at that time so he stopped working so they couldn’t take money of his wages I’m not really too fussed about him paying for the kids I’m more concerned about him messing about with there heads but I don’t want to get into trouble by courts etc for just stopping him seeing them if they deem it unjustified

Dont stop him. Just dont be the one arranging, driving and paying him. Communicate by email / but in writing. Then if he does take you to court you have evidence he would only look after his children if you paid him to.

And why are they not taking the money out of his benefits?

My daughter found out from a "well meaning" idiot that I paid for her dad to come see her when she was little basically he was asking his nan for bus fare and cigarette money to come see her getting here then demanding money off me or he wouldn't be able to come the following week

She was devastated

As was nan when she found out he was getting cash off me when she was already giving him money he stole from us (including his daughter) but blames me for him no longer seeing his precious first (possibly second) born child

You are only required to make the children available for collection on set days/ times.
Never tell the children he is coming.
Give him 15 minutes grace then get on with your day.
Accept that he does not care about you or his children except as a possible ticket to a better house.
Make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to, including carers and attendance if applicable and child benefit.
If he wants to see dc he will turn up. You cannot take him to court over contact, it doesnt work that way.

Do you have evidence of texts changing dates, asking for money, showing little interest etc. If so there is your evidence for contact being inconsistent.

If you think his contact with him is detrimental to them, then I’d try to adapt the contact to something that suits them and put a set schedule in place. If you think any/all contact is detrimental then stop it. He doesn’t sound like someone who would go to court.

Start communicating about contact times/dates only via text or email so you have a trail of evidence of him being inconsistent.

Might it be better him just having very small periods with them. Eg a short visit after school or few hours at the weekend. Maybe short but more quality contact is better for them.

No point going to court as you can’t force him to have them. Make them available only at the agreed times do not facilitate in any other way. No money.

You have 5 people to sort out and he has 1. He has never stepped up, he disappeared for years and he stopped working so as not to contribute to his children. He is an awful awful human being.

You won't get into trouble for asking for a proper set schedule...
You are entitled to live a quiet life with a proper routine for your dc... Stop answering his messages. Stop paying him to parent.
Seeing as he doesn't even financially support them will he pay to take you to court? Doubtful
.
Will your dc miss out?
Def not.

Unless you have a court order in place currently, you'll not get in trouble for stopping contact - which I absolutely would if I were you. He sounds horrific. He could take you to court for contact, but it doesn't sound as though that's likely.

I was aware they could take payment from his benefits but after he stopped working to not pay for them I just decided I didn’t want anything of him I have kept all texts of him saying he is to busy to turn up to the hospital when his daughter and son where both lifeless.

texts of him constantly asking for money or changing days or saying he can’t take them unless I give him money I have logged it all incase he does take me to court like his days we agreed on where a Thursday after tea time to Saturday morning at 8 am he has messaged on the Thursday this week to say he wasn’t taking them as changed jobs and he will take them Friday night until Saturday morning.

I obv didn’t have a choice as he changed without notifying me , my children have only been away for the night came home this morning again out of routine and sleeping by 5 o’clock tonight which means up half way through the night.

my son is autistic and seeing things so I have been advised by the consultant and dr last week to stop him playing Roblox and mine craft as he is killing people laughing etc his dad just overrides this and let’s him stay up towhatever time , my son has came home today and told me he wants to stay with his dad because his dad has told him that I’m stopping him doing things and he doesn’t need to listen to me.

he is a autistic boy and easily influenced I’m really considering stopping contact now if only he knew what his dad is really about.

Oh my god, just stop contact if you can. this isn't a very helpful comment, but why on earth have you had 4 children with this man - and why on earth would keep having more children when the first 2 steady need such support? He sounds like an utter waste of space, do all you can to have no contact, do not facilitate him or give him money. I hope things work out,

I was young when I had my first two said no more but had ovarian and cervical pre cancerous cells CIN 3 reoccurring so they said I was getting my ovaries removed so if I wanted one more child to have it now , then as soon as he was born I fell pregnant with my 4th and left him then love my children to bits but wish I had picked a proper man. In a way made this bed myself I suppose just now my job to make sure my children are secure in there surroundings x

I would stop contact. It isn’t benefiting your kids if they come back unsettled and he is selling their stuff
I would send a message saying it is in the DCs best interest to have consistent regular contact with him and you would like to attend mediation to set up a schedule. If he agrees could he please make the necessary arrangements.
Then it’s up to him.

Your kids deserve better than a deadbeat dad.

Thank you I’ve told my older son I’m going to stop contact just now until there is something set in stone put in thank you for all the responses