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Original poster

My dd doesn't like me..

17 replies

riseandshine830 · 12/11/2021 07:26

I'm just after some advice or to hear from anyone has been through similar with their dc.

Dd is 12 and it's like she hates me. She adores dh (her dad) but everything I do she has a problem witn. I wake her up in the morning she will start shouting/screaming for me to get out her room. Dad wakes her up and it's good morning dad laughing away with him. She leaves for school and grunts at me, if dad is around it's bye dad have a nice day. She hates the way I eat, she says everything I do irritates her. She even screamed she hates me the other day. She is doing really well in school, has friends and has never had a bad report.
It's starting to affect relationship witn dh as she will say wait until dad gets home I'm going to tell him (things like I won't get her a McDonald's for tea) and dh will question me about it, a bit like we are sisters!
Ds is completely different, so loving towards me.

I did have PND when she was a baby and I feel really guilty for this but I'm wondering if this has something to do with it, I feel like I wasn't a good enough parent when she was first born, never attended baby groups, pretty much sat in the house and cried everyday but she was always looked after.

I just don't know what to do?

OP posts:

Timeforabiscuit · 12/11/2021 07:33

It's really common that kids see saw between parents, I know it's tough.

Could it be she's more comfortable in your relationship and she feels to need to be more chipper for her dad to keep his attention?

It's hard to keep plugging away, does your dh have your back when it comes to rudeness?

Arewenearly · 12/11/2021 07:34

You have a massive problem with your husband. He should not be questioning you on your parenting choices in front of her. Speak to him and tell him her behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to have a united front with you, not her.

tintodeverano2 · 12/11/2021 07:36

My11 year old is exactly the same at the moment! Think it's the combination of a new school and raging hormones. I was probably the same at her age too... only another couple of years and they go back to normal!

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Vapeyvapevape · 12/11/2021 07:40

I agree with pp , your husband should be telling her that her behaviour is unacceptable, he should be parenting her not calling you out .

SoMuchToGive · 12/11/2021 08:02

Be very careful, OP. Whilst this may just be a phase, this behaviour can become really established and ‘learnt’. I agree with others - you and your DH must present a united front. I have had terrible problems - DD turned against me, DH enabled this - I can give examples if you like - and it became like I was the outsider. It’s caused endless issues, including in my marriage. Hasn’t helped DD either. My advice - talk to your DH and consider couple’s counselling if necessary so he really understands how this is affecting you and so you can find a way of supporting each other (in our case, when DH tried to support me, it affected his relationship with DD - but it had been going on for years then, which is why I say act now). Good luck.

RoyKentsHairyBack · 12/11/2021 08:15

I have twins of that age and they are vile sometimes. Dd1 especially can be a rude flouncy nightmare.

I just try and get myself through it tbh. Head down and power through. I do love bomb her sometimes because I think often her behaviour is driven by insecurity.

In a rare quiet cuddly moment last week she told me that she's scared of growing up. The leap to secondary especially after all the home schooling was taking its toll. They'd had an assembly about online safety and sexting and stuff and she had found it all too much. So maybe some of it is acting out at the person she feels safest with?

haba · 12/11/2021 08:57

Part of this is that she feels secure, that you'll still love her if she's poorly behaved. Part of it is that she sees you as a generic Mum Unit, whereas dad is a person with a life. Part of it is just teenage hormonal grumpiness.

Original poster

riseandshine830 · 18/11/2021 17:29

Thanks for all replies, sorry I've not been back. Things have been really hard, she has continued to be nasty and say hurtful things to me and DH continues to "side with her". I feel like I've tried and tried and not able to give any more so I've decided I'm going to separate from "dh". I don't know if it's the right or wrong decision but I can't carry on like this. Im calling doctor tomorrow as I'm feeling really depressed at the minute.

OP posts:

Siriisatwat · 18/11/2021 17:38

Your dh is partly causing this. He is being ridiculous- you cannot side with a child over the other parent, it causes a whole host of issues for the child.

I’m so sorry it’s making you feel like this.

For what it’s worth, everything I did pissed off ds for a couple of years. He’s 19 now and wonderful, has been since about 15.

Snoken · 18/11/2021 17:59

I think if you want to separate from your husband you should, but it should definitely not be because of this. Chances are that this will only last a couple of years. I was a bit like that with my mum when I was a young teen, and it wasn't because mum did anything wrong, it was just because she was there more than my dad was. I was just much closer to her, but I couldn't handle my teenage rage and I didn't let it out on my friends, so unfortunately my mum had to take the hit. Not nice at all, and I deeply regret it now, but at the time I couldn't help myself.

I do think you have a DH problem too, and he is probably just enjoying being in your DD's good books as he sees how she is when you are not. You need to speak to him to find out why he is never on your side.

As a side note, I don't agree that parents always have to side with each other and cause a two agains one situation with their kids. Kids needs to be listened to as well, and their opinions matter. There has definitely been times when I have sided with my kids against their dad, because what they say makes sense. Sometimes it's OK for parents to disagree, but if DH does it all the time maybe there is something else behind it.

BleuJay · 18/11/2021 18:02

I sometimes think that girls going through puberty look at their mothers and think oh how uncool is she, I don’t want to be like that when I grow up so they take out their frustrations and pre teen or teen angst and mum becomes someone they despise.

Your hair, your clothes, what you say is all completely wrong yet when they go round their friends houses, their friends mum who is most likely similar to you is somehow cool and they will listen to them!

Dad is fine as she has no reason to see herself in him.

They either grow out of it if you and your husband handle it correctly or it will fester and get worse.

At the moment your husband isn’t doing much to help so work on him before you work on your daughter.

Branleuse · 18/11/2021 18:07

Your husband is perpetuating this. They are in cahoots painting you as the bad guy. Its undermining your relationship and its spousifying your daughter.
Your husband is the only one that can fix this, not your daughter. Shes getting a lot of positive attention from her dad when she criticises you. Its actually damaging to her as its creating a feeling of competition between you and your own child.
Your husband is weak and i think its a form of abuse.

BlackeyedSusan · 18/11/2021 18:24

she's nearly a teen. It will get better by the time she is about 25.

You need a thicker skin. It's shit but it is a bit of a rite of passage. look on the positive side. she is confident enough in your love to be really shit at you.

BlackeyedSusan · 18/11/2021 18:25

oh and the old mn nugget... you have a dh proiblem.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/11/2021 18:31

Shes playing you off one against the other to get what she wants. This should be nipped in the bud as its extremely manipulative but this is only possible if your partner is 100% on your team. He may feel flattered by her supposed preference for him but if he doesn't work with you it will be doing her a huge disservice as she wl turn out to be a very unpleasant adult.

ChrissyPlummer · 18/11/2021 18:33

Your DH sounds pathetic. If I’d have dared complain that I couldn’t have McDonalds for tea, my DF would have said “I should bloody well think not.”

Saladcreamormayo · 18/11/2021 19:31

I'm going through this too with my dd who is a similar age, she's not quite as rude to me but I definitely pick up that her dad is her favourite. il just be ignored and it's definitely her&her dad against me. If i ever tell her off for answering me back her dad will side with her, it's almost as if he wants to be her best mate rather than her parent and doesn't want to upset her by disciplining her. I've recently been unwell (just a mild illness) and could have done with a little help from her round the house now she's getting older but she just says no and her dad won't tell her to help out, he thinks it's OK that she doesn't want to . the sad thing is I can see my younger dc following suit and going the same way. I do feel it's them against me.

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