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My son is refusing school/social services

22 replies

Xmasss · 10/11/2021 08:06

Morning I'm not sure what to do here. My son is 14 and refusing to go to school. He did not go for 3 weeks. I know this was wrong of me. But I did try a bribe him by saying if he went to school for a month he could get a snake. He did go for a month although it was not easy. In all it cost me 250 pounds which is a lot of money to me. So we went to the pet shop paid for everything we could not actually bring it home that day as the pet shop was going to deliver the viv a few days later. But as I have paid for everything ds was ok with it . We brang the food bowls home. As we Came in ds was pretending he had the snake under is coat and and was in a good kind of mood.

We went to order mc donalds as I could not be bothered to cook. I told ds he could have up to 6.00 for his meal. He kept pushing and pushing that he wanted more I had to tell him 3 or 4 times and point out how much money I had just spent on him. His mood completely changed he stormed upstairs and started smashing the cupboard door up that's at the top of my stairs. Later he tried to say he was upset about the snake but his mood only changed when I said he could not have extra from mcdonalds and the fact of how he came in joking that he had the snake.

He has been extremely aggressive to me for months. To the point that I feel scared of him. My other children are scared of him as well. My daughter has told Me she is scared he will hit me . He's also smashed 3 holes in to a large room devider.

Because of this I have told him he's no longer getting the snake.

If my daughter laughs in her room he will start banging on the wall burst in her bedroom and shout at her. But he is allowed music on to laugh with his friends etc.

I have a dog who's quite nerves and I don't 100% trust her. I will let ds walk her but only if I'm with him. He kept trying to take her out alone. I told him no as if something was to happen I would be in alot of trouble. He was very aggressive with me and told me he was going to hit someone if I did not give him the lead. I said to him so who you going to hit then. He then slapped my phone out of my hand shouted bitch and left the house. He came back about an hour later .

He tells me he cant control he's anger . He can as he selects who he's angry with. It's me who suffers the most from it and who he's mainly abusive to.

(When) he gos to school he has counselling. We are waiting on camhs who sent us a rejection letter so we are appealing that. I'm waiting on 3 other places to get back to me that can offer him support. I have tried offering for me and him to spent tome together he refused I have looked at a youth scheme who work with children who refuse school he refused that. He also keeps saying I don't care and is aggressive with me because I can't give a clear answer vabiut camhs but I can only tell him what they tell me.

He admits there is nothing going on at school for him not to go. When he is there he's normally happy joking with his friends. Although he does refuse some lessons abd takes himself of to the library . It's just he does not like the lesson.

Other the weekend just gone he called social services told them he's not going home and he needs somewhere to stay. He was told to come home. Yesterday his mood was ok. He watched 2 films at home ( refused ) school. Then he suddenly left with a big bag. He turned up at school telling them he's not coming home so they called social services who called me. Who again told him to go home.

He even admits that there is no reason why he cant be at home. He admits he's not in any type of danger.

He's now refusing school again until I buy him a phone. I told him he's not getting anything until he started going to school and stops being abusive towards me. I told him I was no longer taking it from him.

I have also had a letter from the school about attendance and taking legal action against me. As he's not in school. Which I'm quite scared of. I don't know what I'm meant to do.

Social services have offered early help which is not in place just yet.

Its like ds is trying to get himself put into care I know that he has a couple of friends in care maybe he thinks it's cool or somthing. I have no idea.

He's fold me and others there's no real reason for this.

When social services called me I told them I feel scared of my own child Sad

OP posts:
NumberTrain · 10/11/2021 08:14

I have no experience and no expert advice for you. I just want to tell you I'm so sorry you're going through this and it sounds like you are trying so hard and seeking all the right help. Fourteen is a horrible age to be I remember it well.

Helenluvsrob · 10/11/2021 08:19

He is abusing you. This is so common x have a look at this

www.pegsupport.co.uk/

CheshireChat · 10/11/2021 08:19

Do you have a SW? I think you need to keep pushing to get him some support, he's ultimately a safeguarding risk to your other children.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Helenluvsrob · 10/11/2021 08:20

Btw it’s a form of grooming to be taught how to get yourself into care and is a prelude to other stuff including county lines etc …is someone getting at him and how ?

Xmasss · 10/11/2021 08:41

@Helenluvsrob

Btw it’s a form of grooming to be taught how to get yourself into care and is a prelude to other stuff including county lines etc …is someone getting at him and how ?
I don't think its that as he admits there's nothing going on for him to go into care. Surely he would make it up if he was that desperate. Also I thought he would be more desperate for a phone? I can't be 100% on that of course.

Thank you for the link I will take a look. I did also call womans aid who gave me contacts as well. She told me it'site common than people realise .

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Tarne · 10/11/2021 09:11

Is sorry you are going through this and yes, child to parent violence and intimidation is common.

Let social services know and call the police every time he is violent or intimidating because this could escalate.

There are charity and LA schemes for child to parent violence so the more you ask for help the better.

Let the school know also and keep boundaried. Do not get a snake and see if you can get a refund. Can you imagine how he could use this to scare others including the dog.

Your other DC need protecting from him as they should not have to feel frightened or intimidated in their own home, neither should you. So ask social services what plan do they have for keeping you safe? Tell them this is a safeguarding concern.

You need to be firm with your son and stop doing things for him without give and take from him. He cannot get to think he can throw his weight around and get what he wants.

How much help does he do around the house? Cooking? Laundry?

Sometimes young people of that age want more responsibility to become more adult and less child like.

Embrace this in a positive way by teaching him skills for independent living. He needs to learn to cook basic meals, clean up after himself, learn how to put the bins and recycling out, sort out his own laundry etc

He also needs to learn social skills in order to take more responsibility for independent living, so give and take, being kind and thoughtful, offering to make you a cup of tea etc.

All these basic social and life skills are what will give him a sense of pride and achievement and will help him make a success of his life with others.

Mac Donald's, etc, nice meals , washing his clothes all need something back from him in this stage of his life so he learns to respect what you do for him and doesn't treat you like a doormat or your home like a hotel.

It's not too late. The key is to be firm and fair and not engage at all if he is screaming abuse. In fact you need to start logging his behaviour so that you have a record of what is going on and you can use it to reason with him and show as evidence to CAMHS etc.

Keep firm, put your other DC first and call the police and social services immediately so this is nipped in the bud now.

Good luck Flowers

Grimbelina · 10/11/2021 09:18

I wonder what is unpinning the issues with school and the aggression? Has he ever been investigated for ASD or any other issues? Some of the ASD with PDA profile children can refuse school and have issues emotionally regulating. Abuse is of course unacceptable but you need to get to the bottom of why this is happening.

UpThePodge · 10/11/2021 09:33

God , you poor thing . Take whatever support you can from outside agencies
Tell him that you don't want him to leave but you will support him if that's what he chooses
He is using it as a stick to beat you with
Not that it helps but you are not alone

Xmasss · 10/11/2021 11:50

Hes just asked to use my phone. I said no . As he might not give it back to me. Apparently he wants to ring the social worker to ask then to get him a phone. I told him that won't happen. He thinks it will. So I told him if he's that desperate to go there and see them. I so dread the rest of the day

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Xmasss · 10/11/2021 12:12

I just contacted the sw who spoke to Me yesterday to give the heads up that he's heading their way . She said so you let him leave the house? How was I meant to stop him?? Then I said (guessing) fir all I know he might not come there he might be messing about and just go for a walk or something. The she says so now your saying he's missing. No I never said that he's been gone less that 5 mins. Her tone was really horrible. What does she think I can actually do to stop him leaving the house. Its the sort of thing that makes me think what is it the point in asking/accepting help.

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CheshireChat · 10/11/2021 13:48

I mean this really kindly, but if your SW is difficult, try and present the info in a coherent, ideally chronological manner so she won't spend time picking holes in what you've said. I've found writing stuff down helps, especially as you're bound to be upset (understandable).

Also, I wonder if she might be acting like this to try and gauge what's going on at home as you don't know what your son told her and it's her job to safeguard him.

Xmasss · 10/11/2021 14:04

@CheshireChat

I mean this really kindly, but if your SW is difficult, try and present the info in a coherent, ideally chronological manner so she won't spend time picking holes in what you've said. I've found writing stuff down helps, especially as you're bound to be upset (understandable).

Also, I wonder if she might be acting like this to try and gauge what's going on at home as you don't know what your son told her and it's her job to safeguard him.

Thank you. She did call me back and seemed a bit more reasonable. Also another sw called Me who was much more understanding and basically told him he's not getting a phone . Told him if you really don't like it home then why are you spending time there instead of going to school. The sw I spoke to is not the allocated sw. As its going to early help . Ds has had loads of opportunities to tell them stuff. Or staff at school etc .
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Tarne · 10/11/2021 14:19

You can write it all down and cc the line manager of the social worker so that you don't feel under siege.

If you have difficulty giving him boundaries tell them.

It is best to be firm, open and honest and write down the key areas you want help with. View everything they say to you objectively band ask for another social worker if you don't like the one you have been allocated.

PollyWobbles · 10/11/2021 15:04

This all sounds very chaotic. How would you describe your household and how it runs in general?

Does he have additional needs? The snake thing sounds a bit odd. It was a big 'bribe' and you might have benefitted from a smaller reward but still.. you bought it and then went back on it. So I can see how this then has led on to worsening behaviour

How are you parenting him? Consistently and firmly? It sounds like due to your fear of him, your parenting is patchy and not consistent

I'd get the SW on board along with the school and try and keep your home life calm, with clear rules

Xmasss · 10/11/2021 15:22

@PollyWobbles

This all sounds very chaotic. How would you describe your household and how it runs in general?

Does he have additional needs? The snake thing sounds a bit odd. It was a big 'bribe' and you might have benefitted from a smaller reward but still.. you bought it and then went back on it. So I can see how this then has led on to worsening behaviour

How are you parenting him? Consistently and firmly? It sounds like due to your fear of him, your parenting is patchy and not consistent

I'd get the SW on board along with the school and try and keep your home life calm, with clear rules

It might sound chaotic because I was feeling emotional. He was 100% going to get the snake. Its only when he was extremely eggressive to me and started smashing up the door. That I backed out on it. I agree it probably was not the best idea. But I just wanted him in school . I'm really scared about being taken to court because he won't go so I was just trying anything.

Generally the house hold is fine with my other children. I am actually scared of him so yes it does make it hard. I have things set up but due to waiting they are not actually I'm place yet . Its very hard when he's so abusive and scares my children etc. I have spoken to womenscaid and they gave told me that it is abusive.

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PollyWobbles · 10/11/2021 15:24

Yes he sounds like a handful to put it mildly and you shouldn't have to put up with this. Does he have additional needs?

Xmasss · 10/11/2021 16:18

No he does not. I guess its just a batter I'd waiting till things are actually in place.

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Xmasss · 10/11/2021 16:19

@Xmasss

No he does not. I guess its just a batter I'd waiting till things are actually in place.
Matter of. Stupid phone
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Xmasss · 10/11/2021 17:32

Hes stolen my phone and my bank cards. Hrs smashed up the door even more. I had to call the police . Hes done a runner. Im si scared

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Tarne · 10/11/2021 21:34

It's good the police are involved because they can help, with social services, to get a safeguarding plan in place.

He will need to pay to get the door fixed/ replaced so make sure you log it.

Time to be firm and get all the support you can get. Let the school know so that your other dc have the support they need.

Is he exhibiting any behaviour that he has witnessed growing up? Is his father around? Are their any positive male role models among your family and friends?

Tarne · 10/11/2021 21:35

there*

Xmasss · 11/11/2021 06:57

@Tarne

It's good the police are involved because they can help, with social services, to get a safeguarding plan in place.

He will need to pay to get the door fixed/ replaced so make sure you log it.

Time to be firm and get all the support you can get. Let the school know so that your other dc have the support they need.

Is he exhibiting any behaviour that he has witnessed growing up? Is his father around? Are their any positive male role models among your family and friends?

Hes never met his father. No hes never seen any sort of violence.

Police cage late last night. They has a word with him but I don't think it meant anything at all.

I found out that when he done a runner with my phone and bank cards he had called social services. I got a call from them a bit later. He admitted all the stuff he done etc . He said that he wanted to see them on his own in school which is fine. But then he told me he's not going to school. So I don't know how he thinks he's going to see her.

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