Starting my journey to fix myself. Can you please help?

[Lettettoelise]

I've finally acknowledged that I need therapy urgently but I don't know how to find a suitable therapist.
To give you a background picture I've had an extremely difficult and chaotic childhood: alcoholism, neglect, poverty, parental divorce, domestic violence, parenteral abandonment. It's fair to say I had an extremely challenging start to life. For the majority of my adulthood I used this as a force of good, to motivate me not to repeat my parents' mistakes. Against all odds I went to university and now have a very senior, well paid job, nice house, car, married with children. In short my current life is the opposite to the one I was born into. However after many years of striving cracks are showing. I'm full of self loathing, anger, rage and doubt. I have no friends and cannot build relationships with people, I hate myself in short. I desperately need to fix myself as most important in this is my children. I must fix myself so I can be the parent they need and deserve. Can people who understand the world of therapy/physchology please guide me. How do I find a therapist, what sort of therapy do I need, what criteria do I use to find a good practitioner? For reference I'm not in the UK so any steers to NHS will not be relevant. Thanks for reading.

Well firstly I’m really sorry for the huge chalky you faced growing up and proud for you about what you have achieved. You should be proud.

I know that some therapists focus on adults ‘survivors’ of childhood trauma - DV and abuse for example so you could Google counsellors in your area with that focus. I would reach out by email initially to say you are looking for counselling with a focus on childhood challenges. They may email back to redirect you to somewhere else or set up a call to discuss at a high level what you are looking for to check they can help and for you both to feel out whether it would be a comfortable relationship for you both.

This kind of chemistry session is quite common and import because you’ll need to feel you can share things openly in a comfortable way to get what you need from the sessions.

Maybe the other thing you could do is see if there are support groups of others in a similar position who can recommend therapists and also provide support and a listening ear from the point of view of experiencing the same thing?

I don’t know why challenges autocorrected to chalky. 😱

Thanks so much for your reply Whysolong that's really good advice about emailing in advance to figure if they specialise in childhood trauma.

Any other helpful mumsnetters about?

Morning.

I do something called Traumatic Incident Reaction. It's not therapy as there is no beneficence, I am a facilitator and you are the viewer, it's actually a facilitative process. This difference is important technically. I'm not currently taking on clients due to my own stuff as my sessions are time.unlimted, so I'll say you can find a practitioner through www.tira.org and leave it there. I will state yet again that if a client meets the threshold of interest for addressing things, there is no more effective practice.

There are lots of different modalities out there. You will probably switch between a few if you have lots of work to do. What I would recommend is a trauma informed counsellor. This means that they understand that the way you are is because of your bad experiences, they aren't going to try and pin a label on you like "borderline personality disorder". Like personal trainers, you have to find one who fits with you personally. If you start with a counsellor they will be able to listen to you and support you as you unpack your emotional baggage. Then, if there are things that you can't resolve you can look at targeted methods. TIR is about looking at why you feel that way and resolving it, CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is about getting to do what you need despite the feelings. Counselling is often a good start. I either get people who have a big traumatic event or people who have been struggling for years.

The hardest thing is to find someone who has a slot for you at a time convenient to you.

It is important to know that you can stop at any time. Don't sign up to anyone who says if you stop coming it will stop working. You might as well get a personal trainer who listens to you and get fit during your hour!

There are lots of other things that you can be doing and easily access around psycho-education which give you an important understanding of where you are at.

Read up on complex PTSD (Steve Walker was the original voice on this - his website is far from polished but excellent)

The CRAPPY CHILDHOOD FAIRY on YouTube is excellent

Read The Body Keeps The Score

Also Adult Child of Alcoholics is a great resource online and maybe CODA if co-dependency is where you have slipped to.

Basically your childhood was at least emotionally deprived (probably abusive) so you are left with developmental deficits in how you react and interact to people and things. Trauma leaves us with poor emotional regulation control - we might mid perceive stuff and over react feeling intense emotions and are unable to process appropriately so that we become aggressive (fight) or withdraw (submit / flight) - rather than calmly and assertively stating our wants / needs / boundaries. So the job is to work to reset this. I suspect that you are a busy workaholic which is another form of addiction.

Could you also be peri-menopausal (are you over 40?) because many symptoms are mood related and exacerbated by a difficult background - I would look at HRT as well as exercise, minimal alcohol, sleep and nutrition to help a bit.

Good luck. It needs sorting. It’s great on the other side.

Wow ESG Dance you are on the money!

I can't regulate my emotions, in conflict I shut down and withdraw or if I'm honest can rage as well at times. I cannot calmy articulate my needs or boundaries. Also I'm a complete workaholic whose entire identify has become wrapped up in work success. For my entire adult life I've been driven by carving out a successful career with minimal reflection on my emotional welfare. On the surface I appear together and successful but on the inside I'm broken and emotionally void. I need to unpack all of my baggage. I have the most beautiful children and I need to heal myself before I can properly parent them. I'm aware that at times I'm emotionally unavailable for my children I desperately need to fix myself.

I'm off to buy those books now and I'll start on the youtube reccomendations later. Thanks for such an insightful and helpful post ESG

Think I may have been you. Take care of yourself because you are not used to doing this and you might be about near burn out. Hope you can intercept and avoid that.

Sounds like you are well on your way if you are ready and courageous to open your head and your heart. Sorry it isn’t Steve Walker - it’s Pete. Some links below.

www.pete-walker.com/

www.waterstones.com/book/the-body-keeps-the-score/bessel-van-der-kolk/9780141978611

www.waterstones.com/book/the-book-you-wish-your-parents-had-read-and-your-children-will-be-glad-that-you-did/philippa-perry/9780241251027 - this will really help you with parenting because you can’t give what you haven’t been given and you can’t know what you do don’t know.

adultchildren.org/ - with this one I also subscribe to their daily insight via email.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=ETwxlXnp1VI This is The Crappy Childhood Fairy channel.