Awful mother - daughter relationship after grandchild born

[Belle82]

All the articles say you will be closer to your mum after you have your own child.
I have felt the exact opposite.

My mum can be very weak, selfish and critical ( although will deny all these things) will lie about pointless things where I have begun to question everything that comes out of her mouth.

I think since my little girl has been born I have spent a lot of time reassessing my childhood and being very critical of how she was as a mother. Mainly so I don’t replicate her wrongdoings with my little girl, but I have begun to resent her and feel no respect for her about the way she was and still is.

Does anyone understand or have the same kind of relationship?

Bog standard to revisit your childhood, and your relationship with your mother and how you were parented by her, when you have a child. Often feeling an awful lot of rage and grief while you do so.

I know my mother's life, she told me in depth, using me as a whipping girl and a sponge for her self pity, since I was seven. It does not excuse or justify some of the stuff she said and did to me. She has never acknowledged, or expressed any regret for anything she has ever done. Just says, well she had it worse.

I have definitely had how I was parented heavily influence how I have parented. I think 'what would Mum do', and promptly do the opposite!

I know in many aspects I have been a crap parent. I wish I could have been perfect. But I look at my girls, and I'm proud of the people that I've had the privilege to have some influence on moulding the amazing people that they have become. I acknowledge and apologise the things I've got and done wrong. And at this point, we have a great relationship.

I know that if they do have children, we're likely to have some hard and painful conversations when it brings things up for them that hurt or upset them, that I did.

@Kitkat151 yes I do “have” to clean, when your mother will comment on the cleanliness of your house every time she is here. If I had stayed silent and never mentioned that it really hurts then it would be ok because she wouldn’t know. But to make comments like that puts that person on edge and anxieties are created.

When I finally opened up to her about having the PND her response was not one of caring. It was judgement of her next door neighbour having PND and how she couldn’t cope with her child because of the PND. I was told not to be so ridiculous many times and I believed I was until I finally saw a counsellor and she told me quite how severe my PND was.

I have never and would never say I am perfect and I fully intend to be open and honest with my child when she is older regarding the PND I suffered, she is 3.5yrs and it is still underlying.
I don’t ever want her to think that the perfect parent exists, or that she should be ashamed of feeling low if she ever decides to have children, as I was made to feel.
My mum I am sure struggled with depression on and off throughout our childhood and I’m sure like me that has impacted her parenting. Instead of taking ownership for any wrongdoings, she will portray and rewrite the past as though she was the perfect parent.
It makes you not want to open up through fear of criticism & a feeling of complete failure by not being the perfect parent. That is what bothers me, as an adult now I take responsibility if I have ever hurt someone, even if it was many years ago when I was a child, because that person deserves to have their feelings validated and have an apology for any wrongdoings. Both my parents are incapable of taking responsibility for their actions when we were younger and either just blame one or the other or us as children. This was when we were younger than 10 so I would love to know how they can put the blame on us.
I know my daughter deserves a better mum and I try my hardest to follow positive parenting with my little girl. I am reaching out for help with counselling and more than open to anti depressants if they think that will help. I know there is a lot of stigma (mainly among the
Older generations) about AD’s and I really couldn’t care any less than I do about how others feel about them. If anything will make me a better parent to my children I will happily try it.

There are many many things they both did which I will not go into but please don’t assume I am looking at this with my eyes shut. I know what happened and anyone looking in would have seen how screwed up they were as well and have often told me so as an adult now.

Oh and I was told that my epilepsy and seizures I’ve had since my childhood were my own fault, by my mum.

I have literally no relationship with my mother, I haven't seen her for the best part of a decade and have no desire to see her again. She has never met my three children.

However, I have found as my children have got older that I have more sympathy towards her. Babies can be hard in their way, but are quite simple really, children are more complicated and challenging and the sad fact is that my mother just didn't know how to handle things. One of my sons is very like I was as a child and needs careful and kind managing, in a way that my other two don't. I really get him and understand what he needs quite well, but I could easily see him having a terrible childhood in the hands of a parent who didn't. My mother was impatient, unkind and controlling and we just never bonded, but looking back I was a difficult child and she just didn't have the mental resources to cope with me. I am just like you and am terrified of repeating her mistakes, it literally keeps me awake at night.

But ultimately my experience has been the opposite to yours really and have some sympathy for her I suppose. On that side of things maybe as your child gets older you might see your own childhood differently or have a better understanding of why things weren't great and how you can avoid making those mistakes.

Saying all that, I'm certain my mother would have been a terrible grandmother to my children and on that side of things I would say to keep things civil but distant. I've been very glad to not have my mother in my life critiquing my parenting, and although I wouldn't advocate going NC, I'd be keeping contact superficial and minimal.

Was never close to my mum, although I tried. I gave up. Since DD we had a massive fallout and now i'm very, very low contact. Never see my parents (they live 10 mins away). I gave up SM and Whatsapp.

I am much happier now for not staying in touch and not visiting. I was always put down or had weird comments made when I went to visit. My brother is golden and can't do anything wrong. There was always a weird or nasty comment coming from my mother and i'd always burst out crying when I got home after visiting.

Life is much better without them. My mother didn't do anything with me when I was a child, all the focus was on my golden brother. I have remembered a lot of my childhood since having DC. My brother would get anything he asked for, or make deals with them... They also allowed us to call them by their names (from around age 9 or 10), which I also think ruined the relationship further. I cannot call them mum/dad and I cannot even say their names, it's just too weird! My friends mums were always super nice and seemed so caring when I think back..

[quote Belle82]@Kitkat151 yes I do “have” to clean, when your mother will comment on the cleanliness of your house every time she is here. If I had stayed silent and never mentioned that it really hurts then it would be ok because she wouldn’t know. But to make comments like that puts that person on edge and anxieties are created.

When I finally opened up to her about having the PND her response was not one of caring. It was judgement of her next door neighbour having PND and how she couldn’t cope with her child because of the PND. I was told not to be so ridiculous many times and I believed I was until I finally saw a counsellor and she told me quite how severe my PND was.

I have never and would never say I am perfect and I fully intend to be open and honest with my child when she is older regarding the PND I suffered, she is 3.5yrs and it is still underlying.
I don’t ever want her to think that the perfect parent exists, or that she should be ashamed of feeling low if she ever decides to have children, as I was made to feel.
My mum I am sure struggled with depression on and off throughout our childhood and I’m sure like me that has impacted her parenting. Instead of taking ownership for any wrongdoings, she will portray and rewrite the past as though she was the perfect parent.
It makes you not want to open up through fear of criticism & a feeling of complete failure by not being the perfect parent. That is what bothers me, as an adult now I take responsibility if I have ever hurt someone, even if it was many years ago when I was a child, because that person deserves to have their feelings validated and have an apology for any wrongdoings. Both my parents are incapable of taking responsibility for their actions when we were younger and either just blame one or the other or us as children. This was when we were younger than 10 so I would love to know how they can put the blame on us.
I know my daughter deserves a better mum and I try my hardest to follow positive parenting with my little girl. I am reaching out for help with counselling and more than open to anti depressants if they think that will help. I know there is a lot of stigma (mainly among the
Older generations) about AD’s and I really couldn’t care any less than I do about how others feel about them. If anything will make me a better parent to my children I will happily try it.

There are many many things they both did which I will not go into but please don’t assume I am looking at this with my eyes shut. I know what happened and anyone looking in would have seen how screwed up they were as well and have often told me so as an adult now.

Oh and I was told that my epilepsy and seizures I’ve had since my childhood were my own fault, by my mum.[/quote]
Your mum sounds very like mine. As I say, going NC isn't really something I would advise, but it has been a tremendous relief not to have her in my head over the last decade.

I thought I was never close to my mum like others because it was something to do with me.

I have realised that it wasn't me at all.

She sent a video on the family group whatsapp (before the fall out), and she told my nepthew "love you". I was shocked! Never heard her utter those words before :-(

Belle82 - I get told that I clean too much. You can't win, huh?!

And being told it was your fault you had epilepsy and seizures? Unforgivable.

I am 57. My mum was abusive and favoured two of my three brothers and still does. My mum is now 85. It gets so much harder when your parents age and they have changed their recollection of what happened in your childhood. I play the game now and have the polite relationship with her. I’ve spent years in therapy regarding my childhood but now to protect myself I just go along with the pretence. My mother seriously doesn’t think she has done anything wrong. However the best thing I have learnt is that by recognising what my mother did was wrong I, hopefully, have a much better relationship with my children