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Original poster

I just spent an hour trying to explain to SIL she can't control how her children spend their inheritance

25 replies

CheddarGorgeous · 09/11/2021 16:23

SIL's son is married to a woman who has two (now grown up) children from a previous relationship.

She's trying to work out how to gift/bequeath money to her son in a way that his wife and step children don't inherit/benefit should he subsequently die before his wife.

Apart from an expensive/complicated trust it's not possible is it?

She's obsessed by "blood relations" and dislikes her DIL. It's all very unsavoury and I wish she'd leave me out of it.

OP posts:
HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 09/11/2021 16:33

She needs to speak to a solicitor and set up a trust.

BrieAndChilli · 09/11/2021 16:34

Is it likely that the son will have kids? I’m assuming as the DIL has grown up kids that it is unlikely?
Who would she want her son to leave the money to?

Eltonsglasses · 09/11/2021 16:38

It's all very unsavoury and I wish she'd leave me out of it.

Yet you spent an hour trying to extol in what she couldn't do?

How about 'I'm not going to discuss it with you' and move on?

SickAndTiredAgain · 09/11/2021 16:39

Who does she want the money to go to instead? She wants the money to go to her son, but for him to not have control over who he leaves it to, and she wants to be able to force it to go to someone else if he dies first?
What a waste of energy.

Original poster
CheddarGorgeous · 09/11/2021 16:40

Son and wife have one teenage DC.

We're not talking ££££s here. Any potential inheritance would be modest. What's the minimum that would make the cost of a trust worthwhile?

Also, all solicitors are thieves according to SIL hence coming to me for all legal and financial advice

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 09/11/2021 16:41

Are we talking about a lot of money?
I actually think it’s fairly understandable for her to want to try and ensure that her money doesn’t go to people she’s not related to and doesn’t even like very much.
She presumably would prefer that the money then reverts back to her other child?
It may sound a bit money grabby but with blended families you have to think about this kind of thing. If they’re married the DiL will inherit everything that belongs to the son. I mean there may not be anything left as it’s all been spent but the issue is correct.
My grandmother lost all her own mothers possessions in a similar scenario when her step mother inherited the lot and refused to give her a single memento. It was very distressing.

Original poster
CheddarGorgeous · 09/11/2021 16:42

@Eltonsglasses

It's all very unsavoury and I wish she'd leave me out of it.

Yet you spent an hour trying to extol in what she couldn't do?

How about 'I'm not going to discuss it with you' and move on?

You haven't met her Grin it's like trying to argue with a particularly intransigent toddler.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheddarGorgeous · 09/11/2021 16:45

@Smartiepants79 I don't know how much and I don't want to know. It's all theoretical as well because we don't know if she will have future care needs to be funded. But it's not likely to be a life changing amount.

I just think at some point you have to accept your children's spouses as part of the family. Son and wife have been very happily married for nearly 20 years...

OP posts:
SickAndTiredAgain · 09/11/2021 16:46

@CheddarGorgeous

Son and wife have one teenage DC.

We're not talking ££££s here. Any potential inheritance would be modest. What's the minimum that would make the cost of a trust worthwhile?

Also, all solicitors are thieves according to SIL hence coming to me for all legal and financial advice

In that case I’d leave separate provision for my grandchild. But I wouldn’t attempt to control the money left for my son. Would she also like a rule to state that if the grandson marries and dies, his spouse can’t have it either. At some point, it isn’t your money any more.
Fairyliz · 09/11/2021 16:48

@CheddarGorgeous

Son and wife have one teenage DC.

We're not talking ££££s here. Any potential inheritance would be modest. What's the minimum that would make the cost of a trust worthwhile?

Also, all solicitors are thieves according to SIL hence coming to me for all legal and financial advice

Is this child her son’s, so her grandchild? Can she leave some of the money to the grandchild to inherit direct?
girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 16:49

If you don't want to be involved just say "oh I know very little about inheritance. Sorry I can't help."

Hanab · 09/11/2021 16:52

She can put it in a trust and the. Ring fence it .. allowing him to withdraw money for things HE needs .. he will obviously have to account for what he needs the money for ..

Maybe she can leave it in a trust and he can only access it if they are no longer a couple or she can just leave it to someone else or a charity .. if he has blood kids .. maybe she can leave it to the child in a trust for when the child is of age..

There are many ways but if it is not a lot she should just have a blast with it before she dies .. at least she will not have any worries of DIL getting her hands on it ..

LethargicActress · 09/11/2021 16:54

If she hasn’t got a huge amount to leave then it does seem quite distasteful, but she must have enough to be worth worrying about or surely she’d assume that her ds would be able to spend it soon enough?

Honestly, I can understand her wanting to financially protect her own son and grandson in case they divorce or he dies early. If they divorce, then he’d genuinely need the money to be able to set up a new home, and if he died young enough that he didn’t have time to be involved in spending it, then his son will benefit from it much more if it hasn’t been split with two or three others. If the couple stay together and alive then it’s a non issue the son can do what he likes, and no one is insulted.

RB68 · 09/11/2021 16:57

In my view the way to do this is to leave it to the grandchild and thats that - skip out the son

blissfulllife · 09/11/2021 16:57

Oh I'd leave her to it. If she gets her wish and only her son inherits the money he'll spend it on his family anyway I expect. We had similar in our family. Grandparent passed away and only bequeathed me anything. As the others had different father whom she didn't like . I just shared it between us all.

Original poster
CheddarGorgeous · 09/11/2021 17:03

@RB68

In my view the way to do this is to leave it to the grandchild and thats that - skip out the son

I think her son would be offended. And there's nothing stopping the grandson sharing with his mother and half siblings. That's the level of control she wants...

OP posts:
SickAndTiredAgain · 09/11/2021 17:23

I think her son would be offended. And there's nothing stopping the grandson sharing with his mother and half siblings. That's the level of control she wants...

She’s insane. Leaving her son money but doing it in such a way that it cannot benefit his wife may offend him as well. Controlling it to such an extent she’d prevent her grandson sharing any with his siblings is ridiculous.

SirGawain · 09/11/2021 17:26

Also, all solicitors are thieves according to SIL hence coming to me for all legal and financial advice
Leaving aside you contentious comment; you are you clearly not qualified to give legal advice, (or you wouldn't be asking Mumsnet), so I would keep your head down and stay out of it.

Movinghouseatlast · 09/11/2021 17:30

My mum had a clause in her will that said if my brother pre deceased her then his estate would get nothing, as she didn't want his children to get anything.

DeliaDinglehopper · 09/11/2021 17:31

If you don’t know, just tell her you don’t know? If you don’t want to be involved why are you coming on a forum, using your time and energy, on someone you don’t want to help?

CruCru · 09/11/2021 17:34

She can put her wishes in the will (the money is to benefit her son and grandson only) but I think making this legally binding would be madness. More would go to the lawyers than to the beneficiaries.

UhOhOops · 09/11/2021 17:37

My mum wants to do the same thing. Awful.

Best way she can come up with is to leave it to ds with a fixed % to dgs. Or maybe just bypass ds and go straight to dgs with a 18/21/25 year trust.

The complexity of establishing (and managing) a trust without solicitors is immense and depending on who she chose to run it, would they really be able to deny any spending if it benefitted DIL or DILs kids in any way?

Might be worth attempting to establish a trust if its ££££ but not if its going to require some very qualified legal stipulation and management.

I can understand the bitterness of not wanting a despised relative a legacy but yes, there comes a point when you have to accept that your ds chose to marry them.

Original poster
CheddarGorgeous · 09/11/2021 17:40

@DeliaDinglehopper

If you don’t know, just tell her you don’t know? If you don’t want to be involved why are you coming on a forum, using your time and energy, on someone you don’t want to help?

It's my time, if I want to vent on a forum I will.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheddarGorgeous · 09/11/2021 17:51

@Movinghouseatlast

My mum had a clause in her will that said if my brother pre deceased her then his estate would get nothing, as she didn't want his children to get anything.

I can kind of understand that, I presume she would have eventually gotten round to rewriting her will should that have happened.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 09/11/2021 20:03

Just leave the money to the grandchild. Skip the son.

Grandchild could inherit at age 18 if she kicks the bucket before GC hits that age.

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