2/3 of adoptive parents experience violence

[womanity]

From their children.

On last night’s C5 News, the Domestic Abuse Commissioner called for dedicated help for people suffering child to parent violence:

AUK’s Adoption Barometer shows that nearly two thirds of established adoptive parents have experienced CPV. It’s good to see this recognised as a form of domestic abuse. Look out for more on C5 News tonight, from the perspective of adoption/kinship.

And if we seek help we’re often told it’s our fault and we risk having our children removed.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I’m quite sad today.

Maybe because I keep hearing how wonderful we are, or how lucky the DC are, or how ‘just adopting’ is the answer to everything. Or because Adoption U.K. is trying to get us all to put smiley fucking faces on our hands to celebrate adoption day.

I’m just trying to work out how we get DC to adulthood.

The bold bit of my OP is an adoption U.K. Facebook post.

That's appalling. Not just the violence, which is clearly awful, but the response and lack of support, which sounds so unnecessary and easily fixed.

I'm so sorry you've experienced this.

Thank you. It means a lot to have someone say that. No one IRL knows.

How old are your DC op? Are they in school yet? If so school will have a member of staff in charge of parent/child welfare. They might be a good port of call and support.

This doesn't surprise me sadly . I've been doing a non violent resistance parenting course and while my DD isn't adopted the course does seem to often be given to adoptive parents.

I can well believe this. I don't think people understand that pre-birth matters, that removal at birth is a huge, huge thing for a child.

I don't understand why there aren't more things in place to support adopters and adoptees

I'm an adopter.
I'm surprised it is as much as 2/3rds (so wondering how they got that statistic. e.g. people needing help are more likely to be AUK members), but I'm not surprised that adoptive parents are over represented.
Both my DC hit significant difficulties once they were 16, stemming from their early lives.

It doesn't surprise me. Two of my brothers were adopted and one has been violent his entire life. He has never come to terms at having been put up for adoption (he was a tiny baby at the time) and it seems to be his default coping mechanism. Both he and my parents needed so much more support post adoption (as did the rest of us kids) and there was nothing. Adoption is so emotionally complicated - and that goes on for years.

I was adopted in the 80s when adoptive parents and adopted children where left to their own devices once they signed the papers. It’s been awful for me and my adoptive parents. My brother is/was severely violent due to his early childhood and I bore quite a lot of it. I honestly don’t know how my mother coped.

It’s truly disgraceful that any parent/child has to go through this!!

Sadly I'm not surprised. It took my friends 5 years to go from enquiry to finally adopting. During that time every bit of their life was scrutinised and numerous assessments were done. They've said it felt like a circus during the application but as soon as the adoption papers were complete and an actual child was involved everyone disappeared.

For the most part their daughter is a normal well-adjusted child which is a miracle given her start to life. It still would have been nice to have some support from a trained professional to help their daughter navigate the upheaval in her life. They've spent a lot of time questioning their decisions and worrying about doing or saying the wrong thing. They've built a network of adopters but many of them are having even more difficulty with their children (lots of violence and behavioural problems) and it's difficult to lean on someone who is struggling more than you.

People think adoption's raising a healthy baby they didn't give birth to, and that's the only, small, difference adoption can claim from standard family life. Ignorance is bliss, isn't it.

This 'you're a special baby cos you came from star-crossed lovers and I chose you' scenario was the case for centuries until the 1960s. Adoption was common - I have friends of 50 who were adopted, and two friends' mothers who gave up their first babies. It couldn't be more different now - and not in a good way.

After abortion was legalised in the late 60s, the adoptee pool changed from newborns to sibling groups of traumatised children. The bar for child removal from birth parents is very, very high and their trauma reflects that.

Mothers have the children taken away for drugs or paedophilia now - women don't give a love child up. Any other kids tend to be whipped away in a group. In terms of the men or fathers, they're usually violent or absent; unfortunately never both. Throw in addiction, often from several generations, including the baby, in and you've only just started on the problems.

As a finale, the genetic relations usually find the child on FB and try and get them back, often successfully. The only people I know under 50 who were adopted have several parents each thanks to FB, although this number is declining cos bioparents like these don't make old bones.

At no point in the past 50 years has Child Services attempted to restructure or improve a system that doesn't work for either the children or adults in it. To put it politely.

A lot of adoptees need what is euphemistically referred to as 'therapeutic parenting' - specialist psych help 24/7. But the UK doesn't do psych hospital for children - not a single suitable hospital exists in this country. There aren't enough specialist beds in adult hospitals either - 87 compared to 1200 potential patients.

People who get passed for adoption are not trained at all. Ruthlessly screened, yes; trained for 5 min, no. It's bonkers, and certainly why so many adoptions fail ie the DC is sent back into care.

I am an adoptive parent. It saddens me too. I find it is very isolating. If I talk to people about it, I am often asked if I would give him up. Like that solves the problem.

I've experienced child-to-adult violence too. Hugs to you all. It has reduced slightly at home currently but still happens at school, so I know it's all still there under the surface and it worries me (and my other children). They feel so helpless when he's attacking me. No one seems to want to do any direct work with him to resolve the trauma though. I'm having to consider a residential school, hoping that is an option before anything else.

My son is not adopted. He has ASD and is occasionally violent. He is now 8 inches taller than me.

I’m sorry there is no help for adopters. There is no help for me either. I’ve tried college, doctor, CAMHS and social services. No one is interested.

💐 for everyone who has shared their story here or is struggling too.

I’m currently trying to deal with a problem at school for a DC who was verbally abusing me earlier. (‘Fat lazy bitch’. Nice.)

I tell school, they just look a bit embarrassed and like they wish I hadn’t mentioned it.

Thanks for posting. I feel less alone (although I realise that’s a tragedy for all of you too.)

@Supersimkin2 thanks especially for your post. 💐

@Supersimkin2 You've really hit the nail on the head with your post.

@womanity I think adoption has changed but I think the uk is not trauma aware. If I try and explain my sons needs, I am automatically asked if he has asd or have I considered he might have asd. It is almost like trauma is too hard for many adults to process because it means someone did something that caused my child to be the way he is and that portions blame and well, no one could be so horrible to a child to allow trauma to happen, surely? It means that his needs often go unmet by the people around him because he has the label of trauma. Sad, isn’t it?

@121Sarah121, yes, very much. I’ve been asked about autism, ASD, many others, but never trauma or ACEs.

Adopted kids are ‘lucky’. And ‘they don’t remember’.

What are the statistics for violence from children who haven't been through the adoption process? Genuine question out of curiosity. A close family member is on the verge of adopting a beautiful little ready made family. All pretty young, but have seen things that no child should see.

@womanity @Hen2018

How has your week been? Thinking of you both.

I work with kids like this. It costs the state millions to eventually step in. My friends son regularly hits her. Sometimes good police turn up and sometimes she’s treated like absolute shit. The trauma they’ve had to deal with is from bereavement, an absent yet controlling dad, divorce, abandonment and the boy also has a diagnosis of his own. My heart breaks for families going through this. There should be less judgement and more help. It must be so awful to go through this in isolation.

I have two adopted children and am really struggling. Would love to make contact with others. Feel like an failing every minute. Help please.x