Looking for a shoulder to cry on re childcare

[NightBus]

Just a rant really but if anyone has any advice or solidarity I'd love to hear it!!

Basically we are in a childcare nightmare! My son is 17mo and has so far never been looked after by anyone else but me and DH.

When I was pregnant and we got to the 2nd trimester the pandemic hit, and so DH and I never had all the normal conversations about childcare etc and what things would be like. Instead we spend that time staying at home and trying not to get Covid, and me attending hospital appts by myself. We sort of forgot to look ahead and very much focussed on having the baby safely. We didn't know much about Covid back then so it felt pretty scary. Once the baby was born we were still in lockdown and nothing was open so we just hunkered down.

None of the local nurseries would allow visits for months on end and I didn't want to send my son to one without viewing it. In addition, my self employed work involving close contact with people dried up anyway so I ended up staying at home and looking after son full time. I have been feeling increasingly lonely, tired and overwhelmed by the physical work and drudgery of caring for a 16mo all day everyday. (DH finishes work after bath time).

Fast forward to now (son is 17mo) and I am so ready for childcare - have been for ages - but nothing is available!! If I got part-time childcare I could start to build up my clients again and also get some valued time for myself (desperately needed). The local nurseries all got booked up until 2022. There are a handful of spaces at another one which I was able to look at but it was really poor and I felt appalled by seeing it to be honest. We checked our all the local childminders and they were either full or very poor (think numerous red flags and definitely not suitable for a young one).

In desperation we looked into nannies but they are so expensive! (London) nevertheless we thought we would try to get one for 2 days per week, but the agency CV's are all really weak - people with very limited experience. I feel like I am sounding picky but if I'm paying £150 a day for a nanny then I'd like someone with more than two years experience.

We had a potential really good nanny lined up for an interview tonight but she has just cancelled as she found another job!

I'm tearing my hair out and don't know where else to turn. We have no family. My husband and I really need this to support my mental health and our marriage which has been pressured, unsurprisingly. I think it would also be good for our child.

What else can I do?!!

Perhaps I should look farther afield? How far would you be willing to travel (by bus or tube) to get childcare?

We found a really good nursery which will accept him aged 2 onwards but that's another 6 months away!

If you are flexible about what days you take tell the nursery as this might mean you get a space more quickly as most people will want a few days for work. If you can take a day or 2 they may squeeze you in sooner if an existing child drops a day. Or a child on one or two days moves up a room.

@StarShapedWindow

I understand not using nurseries and childminders you don’t feel confident in but why don’t you interview some of the nannies - I don’t think having less than two years experience is a problem - they might be amazing with children.

This really, I had zero experience of children yet the hospital allowed me to take newborn DS home and he's still alive and well 17 years later. A nanny with two years experience has 6 months more experience than you

Put your name down on every possible waiting list abs join a gym with a Creche.

@1forAll74

It's such a pity, that you are overwhelmed,tired and lonely, and quote the words physical hard work, and drudgery, when referring looking after a lovely small child. The mind boggles.

This is the least supportive thing you could have chosen to say. Why post at all?

I guess by two years experience what I was meaning was, that for £150 a day+ I would like to find someone who can bring something to the table that I cannot, some expertise! Rather than just a babysitter. Of course I'm totally inexperienced - but the difference is I love my son fiercely with my whole being and so I work super hard to engage him. I often go to soft plays and see nannies sat on their phones while toddler plays, or not talking to them. That's what I'm trying to avoid. But I take the pp point that I may still find someone great who's fresh out of college.

Have you contacted all the local childminders?
My childminder was lovely. I much preferred the DC going to a home than a nursery.

Is he in every decent waiting list going? It's always possible someone will pull their kid out.

Interview the Nanny's. You have less than two years experience too, but your fine.

How far away does DH work? If it's further out, could he do nursery run so you can spread your eyes?

Get you little one on as many waiting lists as possible and ring them all once a week to check if anything is available.

Your husband needs to start pulling his weight. He would have to if you were dead, or divorced with 50% custody.
He needs to be held accountable for 50% of childcare. Sort out a nanny/nursery or reduce his hours. No excuses.

Thanks for the advice, I really do appreciate it. I will look again at joining waiting lists. @RobotValkyrie can I ask you to explain what you mean by your comment about husband pulling weight? I'm asking sincerely. I don't know what you mean, because he works in a job with long hours and decent pay but works hard. There's no option of cutting hours in his profession.

Your H became a parent too, so it’s not U to ask him to do some of the weekday parenting.

You personally DO ‘need’ to work, depending on your attitude to financial risk. In the event of divorce or ill health your and your H’s personal earning abilities would be important.

Would stay on waiting lists for nurseries and childminders - places will probably come up - and seek an employee role, so you have more certainty about your income and working hours. Unless perhaps you have good confidence you can build up your business to make decent profit.

We found our childminder by asking for recommendations on our local Facebook page, could throw up some you haven't seen before

@NightBus

Not at all possible with husband's work sadly. He works in a high pressure job long hours. I don't technically need to work at all. But my mental health is suffering with being full time stay at home parent to a toddler. I don't know how others do it. I love him dearly of course. But I'm overwhelmed and lonely.

If you don't need to work could you employ a less experienced person as a mother's help? That way you'd be at home as well and they wouldn't have sole charge of your baby but you'd be able to get some time to yourself whilst they were with DC. It's cheaper also.

We had an excellent babysitter who was a neighbour’s teenage daughter doing a childcare course. Yes she wouldn’t have been suitable if I needed full time care, but she came for a few hours twice a week and played with the kids while I could do whatever. She was so enthusiastic and energetic and it was a great arrangement for us both as I got a break and she got money and also childcare experience. She also babysat on an evening for us too when we needed it

Maybe you could look into something like that while you’re waiting for a nursery place to come up

Agree with pp - put your child on every suitable waiting list. Are au pairs a thing of the past post brexit? Is this a possibility?

Ask on local Facebook groups for nursery recommendations. We walked 25 min to our second one in London.(and used a scooter) It was awesome but in a rough area. You wouldn’t know about it as it was word of mouth only. No advertising. No signs. People had no idea what was behind the gate.

Put your name down on all the good ones and enquire again on a few months. One nursery lost our paper application down the back of a filing cabinet. They did find it eventually. Good nurseries aren’t necessarily hot on admin but don’t let it put you off.

Also, pre pandemic the way to cope with a toddler was baby groups. At the library. Soft play sessions. Basically you have to get out as much as possible. I don’t think things are back to what they were. But to be honest you can just set something up. Use Facebook. Ask locally mums to meet you at a suitable place. It basically helps to be with other mothers.

Good luck.

@1forAll74

It's such a pity, that you are overwhelmed,tired and lonely, and quote the words physical hard work, and drudgery, when referring looking after a lovely small child. The mind boggles.

What a stupid and unhelpful comment. There’s always one idiot, isn’t there?

@Gwlondon

Ask on local Facebook groups for nursery recommendations. We walked 25 min to our second one in London.(and used a scooter) It was awesome but in a rough area. You wouldn’t know about it as it was word of mouth only. No advertising. No signs. People had no idea what was behind the gate.

Put your name down on all the good ones and enquire again on a few months. One nursery lost our paper application down the back of a filing cabinet. They did find it eventually. Good nurseries aren’t necessarily hot on admin but don’t let it put you off.

Also, pre pandemic the way to cope with a toddler was baby groups. At the library. Soft play sessions. Basically you have to get out as much as possible. I don’t think things are back to what they were. But to be honest you can just set something up. Use Facebook. Ask locally mums to meet you at a suitable place. It basically helps to be with other mothers.

Good luck.

Just like my kid’s nursery! Bloody fantastic, but word of mouth only! I’m so curious as to where your nursery is now, @Gwlondon…

I had someone from the local aFurther Ed College who was doing her Childcare qualifications come and do work experience with me.

That was a day a week. I wasn't meant to leave the house or let her take my ( two) little ones out on her own. That was fine. She would play in the garden with them, read stories, do craft etc etc with me in the background just getting stuff done or maybe I'd have a bath or a bit of down time. It was great.

And a break from me, for the kids! They were always excited too see her. She was only about 19 but very enthusiastic and full of ideas. She went on to do paid babysitting for us for years and we still see her now.

How about something like that as a stop gap, to give you some down time and a break until you can get a nursery place? It's not exactly what you want but it could just take the pressure off for a bit.

*We had an excellent babysitter who was a neighbour’s teenage daughter doing a childcare course. Yes she wouldn’t have been suitable if I needed full time care, but she came for a few hours twice a week and played with the kids while I could do whatever. She was so enthusiastic and energetic and it was a great arrangement for us both as I got a break and she got money and also childcare experience. She also babysat on an evening for us too when we needed it

Maybe you could look into something like that while you’re waiting for a nursery place to come up*

😂😂😂 I've almost written what you have.

I would second get his name down now and start right away getting a babysitter in a few mornings a week. The next hurdle you’re going to have is your LO having separation anxiety, which mine did and it has as horrendous as finding childcare! The mixing with new people will be tough for Covid babies and I really feel for you.

OP I really understand and was in a very similar position as you. Ignore the unhelpful comments. I very luckily found a nursery which had just opened and so had places last minute. They didn’t advertise and I had no idea about them until another mum at a playgroup mentioned she is sending her child there. Ask other mums around- WhatsApp groups on FB groups. People are transient and move often, especially in cities so places open up. If you are flexible on days, you may get lucky.

Also for PPs saying OPs DH should reduce hours. It’s not that simple. Do what works for your family. My DH is in a profession which often gets slated on MN for many of them being part time and they should work more hours!

Definitely put your dcs name down at the nurseries you like and specify you will take whatever slots they get. They will often have a policy of prioritising more sessions for existing children at the nursery over new joiners, even if the new joiner was on the list beforehand. If you can get one morning or afternoon (many are quiet on Friday afternoons), you might then find you can increase to a couple of days.

Just interview some of the nannies with less experience. Working in a role for less time that someone else doesn't mean you are shit at the job.

18 months was the time when I really started to stress about my career and wish I had done more planning for childcare. I persevered and paid for a childminder for two mornings a week and then a nanny to come one mornings a week - it was enough to get things going. At 2.5 a nursery place became available and then I had a nanny for holidays. I also upped my rates considerably to afford it! Keep going with the nannies, you will find someone, take what you can get in terms of childminders a morning or two won’t make a difference.