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Original poster

A long story , feel at my lowest due to an affair

26 replies

BHER · 09/11/2021 11:13

I feel so low every single day and I don't know how or if I'll ever get through this.
I've been with my boyfriend for ten years and we have two children. Hubby is 25 years older then me and he can naturally be quite paranoid of me talking to other men.
In 2018 I worked in charity and spent a lot of time away from home. For the time I'd be home my boyfriend would only have interest in smoking , drinking, watching his own things on TV and playing Internet games. If we had a day together, he would want to sleep to rest rather than do anything .
In work my boss was abusive and I felt so happy doing my charity work but also my mental health suffered massively due to my boss and my "lifeless" home life.
My boyfriend would never message etc through the day because he isn't the sort to use his phone.
So at this point I made a huge mistake and decided to talk to an online friend from my childhood. Somebody I had never met and never intended to meet. The content of these messages was essentially an "online affair".
My boyfriend found these messages and believed I had physically cheated no matter what I said.
A month later I got a positive pregnancy test for my first born after 8 years of unsafe sex after thinking one of us was infertile. Naturally hubby thought it wasn't his. I promised he was and after he was born a DNA test proved he was.
Since this we have been great, we spend family time together and have been happy, no arguments, no issues. We then tried for another baby and got lucky and she was born this summer.

Every now and then since 2018 any little tizz and he would always bring up those messages and I would apologise and say again how it had been one big mistake and I really don't know why I spoke to this guy ( i suppose it was nice to talk to somebody who seemed interested in me ).sometimes he says he knows they were just messages and other times if he is in a mood he will say he thinks I did cheat on him, which upsets me a lot.

So here comes the recent problem which is the reason I feel so utterly heartbroken and down with no way back to happiness.

Recently rumours got back to me amongst my hobby / friends that one friend claimed she had been intimate with my partner. I then found photos of her on my partners computer but my partner does do photography so I still didn't believe it.
Then my bf had a bad day and decided to bring up what I had done in 2018 to him. It was then I decided to ask about these rumours.

He then admitted to me these rumours were true and that he had been out for drinks etc with my friend and had sex on three different occasions in our house but swore this stopped when our son was born ( I don't know if I can believe it was only 3 and also feel it probably only stopped due to my maternity leave hence me being in the house ). He says the purpose of this affair was simply revenge and he made it "one all, if you can cheat, so can I and that he never ever wanted me to be hurting now" but he also says he felt guilty for doing it
So I accept he genuinely believed I'd cheated but feel a one night stand would have made you guilty and made you stop. I think I could accept a one night stand, but not the dating and the fact it went on longer then this.

This friend is a customer in my friends shop so she still sees him for work related things.
It also turned out his work colleague new about this affair as she noticed the flirting which would have happened in the work place.
I now have to deal with knowing she goes in there where they were happy to flirt and be quite open . I also have her telling all my friends what's happened and I feel I cannot face doing my hobby, I feel like just giving up or wanting to move away where no1 knows me (not possible ).
I think about the affair every single day and find myself crying atleast once, normally twice a day. I can't get the images out of my head or what he did or the things he might have said to her whilst doing these things.
When we are intimate I think of it and think did he say these things to her? Did he do this to her? It's always in my head. When we have family time together I'm fine but when I'm on my own with just the kids ( which is 80% of the time) I find myself drowned in these thoughts .. did he stop because of my maternity ? Did he really fancy her ? What did they do in bed ? What did he say to her in bed ? I can't cope with it.
So the bottom line is when we are all together I'm fine and happy but on my own I'm miserable, I don't feel I can do my hobby, I'm heartbroken about what he has done
I feel that he was always my safe place , someone to trust . Someone who said the most wonderful things to me like "how beautiful , your the best thing to happen to me ", these words now mean nothing to me and when he says them I feel like calling him a liar, if they were true this wouldn't have happened ?
I've started feeling extremely self conscious about the way I look , feel like I have major anxiety and feel so down .

I don't feel I can talk to him about it because I think he is fed up of me bringing it up. He says what I need to appreciate is this was three years ago and I need to concentrate on the happy lovely family we have now and all our happy times, how perfect our family is and how happy we have been since 2019.
This is all true but the fact is I've only just found out about this even if it was 3 years ago.
This friend has also messagd me to say "I can't stop her being friends with bf and how everything that happened was my fault".
Bf doesn't want me to see a GP about my feelings incase it ever flags with social services .
Has anyone ever experienced this, do you ever get over it ? For me it seems the man I thought I had is not the same man. I thought he thought I was this amazing person but now feel this isn't true as he has gone somewhere else for intimacy.
Has anyone ever tried natural anti depressants ? Eg St John's wort .
I just don't feel I'm ever going to get over this. It doesn't help I don't feel I can do my hobby which helped my mental health. And when I do do my hobby I WILL bump into her . Don't quite know how that's going to go down either.
She's also telling people it wasn't an affair as he told her we had split over the messages and that he was simply waiting for the DNA test to confirm his suspicions so he could leave me .
I feel so lost and down. I think of all the things I've been through in my life, this is the most hurt I've ever felt and that's saying something as in my past I've experienced abuse and experienced loss .
I think this tops them all.
Will I ever get these images and questions out of my head? Will I ever feel better? I feel this has ruined my whole life . I've gone from being so happy and proud of my family ( my finally complete family) and looking forward to starting back my hobby post pregnancy to being totally miserable .
Will st John's wort help? Or even lavender? My nerves are so bad I feel physically sick some days.... I found all this out the start of September.
Anyone have any words of wisdom or advice !

OP posts:
peridito · 09/11/2021 11:25

I can't help very much I'm afraid but please do go to your GP to see if anti depressants might be considered . Your partners concern about this resulting in Soc Services involvement is without foundation .

tipOver · 09/11/2021 11:32

Oh gosh OP. Firstly let me say there was quite a lot to read so I'm sorry if I miss out anything.
So starting from the beginning, firstly I want to establish that it's not natural for him to be paranoid about you talking to other men. This shows right from the off, even before anything had happened, he didn't trust you. This might be because of a guilty conscience, as in he was cheating on you already or wanted to. Or maybe because he wanted to have an excuse to control you.
You say you messaged and spoke to someone from your childhood. I'm not totally sure what the content of these messages was? It's totally normal to reconnect with old friends, and you can talk to whoever you like whenever you like. It sounds like you were going through a really difficult emotional time and your partner wasn't supporting you, so you reached out elsewhere.
If the content of the messages were flirty or sexual, I do think that could be considered a type of cheating. However, when he found out he needed to choose then whether to leave, or to forgive you and stay. He chose to stay, but he continuously threw it back in your face when you had a disagreement. Even that in itself is wrong.
He then decided to cheat on you, physically and over a long period, and used your messages as an excuse to blame his cheating on you. And now he tells you you can't be upset about it, despite the fact that he held those messages over your head for so long.
I'm really sorry OP but this man is manipulating you. Whatever those messages contained, he has treated you very badly. This isn't a man you can trust, and he's proven that to you. Even if you continue with the relationship, these things are going to fester. Honestly, I would strongly encourage you to consider leaving him, and find somebody who treats you with more respect xx

Sarahlou63 · 09/11/2021 11:35

OK, slow down a bit and try to put things in perspective.

Can you reframe your story to reflect that your relationship hit a low point in 2018 but that, since the birth of your children, you have been happy?

Massively oversimplified, I know, but that's what it boils now to; you had a short emotional affair, he had a short physical affair. You can argue till the cows come home about which was worse, or which of you had the best excuses extenuating circumstances but you won't change the facts.

Do you want to stay together? Or do you want to leave the relationship?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester General pregnancy Relationship problems
peridito · 09/11/2021 11:35

I'm a bit confused by your initial description of your partner as
For the time I'd be home my boyfriend would only have interest in smoking , drinking, watching his own things on TV and playing Internet games. If we had a day together, he would want to sleep to rest rather than do anything

and your later one
I feel that he was always my safe place , someone to trust . Someone who said the most wonderful things to me like "how beautiful , your the best thing to happen to me

You refer to abuse in the past ( not from current partner ) ,perhaps counselling might help you come to terms with this ?I think you need to work on improving your mental strength ,sense of self .You've both involved yourself with others during your partnership but it sounds as though you do now have much to be happy about and much to save .

Hopefully you can come to terms with his unfaithfulness and that he will do the same .

EdgeOfTheSky · 09/11/2021 11:40

I don't feel I can talk to him about it because I think he is fed up of me bringing it up. He says what I need to appreciate is this was three years ago and I need to concentrate on the happy lovely family we have now

The double standards of him Shock. After he brought your online EA up for years snd years and then consciously took ‘revenge’!!

OP, one way and another it sounds a big mess. I think you could both benefit from counselling, individually and then couples counselling.

Also both check for depression.

Original poster
BHER · 09/11/2021 11:43

@tipOver

Oh gosh OP. Firstly let me say there was quite a lot to read so I'm sorry if I miss out anything. So starting from the beginning, firstly I want to establish that it's not natural for him to be paranoid about you talking to other men. This shows right from the off, even before anything had happened, he didn't trust you. This might be because of a guilty conscience, as in he was cheating on you already or wanted to. Or maybe because he wanted to have an excuse to control you. You say you messaged and spoke to someone from your childhood. I'm not totally sure what the content of these messages was? It's totally normal to reconnect with old friends, and you can talk to whoever you like whenever you like. It sounds like you were going through a really difficult emotional time and your partner wasn't supporting you, so you reached out elsewhere. If the content of the messages were flirty or sexual, I do think that could be considered a type of cheating. However, when he found out he needed to choose then whether to leave, or to forgive you and stay. He chose to stay, but he continuously threw it back in your face when you had a disagreement. Even that in itself is wrong. He then decided to cheat on you, physically and over a long period, and used your messages as an excuse to blame his cheating on you. And now he tells you you can't be upset about it, despite the fact that he held those messages over your head for so long. I'm really sorry OP but this man is manipulating you. Whatever those messages contained, he has treated you very badly. This isn't a man you can trust, and he's proven that to you. Even if you continue with the relationship, these things are going to fester. Honestly, I would strongly encourage you to consider leaving him, and find somebody who treats you with more respect xx
The messages were essentially an online affair, there was flirting and sexual nature. Sorry he doesn't tell me I can't be upset , I meant he tells me I need to focus on the good and know his reasons for cheating and focus on fact we have been so good for years .

I appreciate all that but I just can't get this out of my head. I'm so hurt that he has been intimate with someone else

OP posts:
Original poster
BHER · 09/11/2021 11:47

@peridito

I'm a bit confused by your initial description of your partner as For the time I'd be home my boyfriend would only have interest in smoking , drinking, watching his own things on TV and playing Internet games. If we had a day together, he would want to sleep to rest rather than do anything

and your later one
I feel that he was always my safe place , someone to trust . Someone who said the most wonderful things to me like "how beautiful , your the best thing to happen to me

You refer to abuse in the past ( not from current partner ) ,perhaps counselling might help you come to terms with this ?I think you need to work on improving your mental strength ,sense of self .You've both involved yourself with others during your partnership but it sounds as though you do now have much to be happy about and much to save .

Hopefully you can come to terms with his unfaithfulness and that he will do the same .

My safe place as in I didn't think he would leave me or go else where. I thought I meant the world to him and now I don't feel that way. I agree I was unfaithful but I had no intentions of meeting anyone. These were messages to an Internet friend and tbh I sent them just so I could chat to somebody and he made them sexual, I went along with it as it wasn't someone I personally knew and I just wanted to talk to someone . I know that's still cheating and I've said sorry more times then you could imagine. I don't feel I can compare sending messages to an online person to physically having sex in our home in our bed and dates in our local though
OP posts:
Rainbowheart1 · 09/11/2021 11:53

He actually had sex with another person, you didn’t. That’s a big difference!

BloomingTrees · 09/11/2021 11:54

SS won't get involved just because he had an affair, so don't worry about that.

I second getting some counselling, perhaps by yourself to start with as you have things in your past which will still be affecting you now.

I think you both need to accept your relationship was drifting apart before you got pregnant and your children have now kept you together as a family.
If you're going to stay together you'll need to find a way to trust each other again.

Rainbowshit · 09/11/2021 11:56

Your GP will not flag up to social services that you are asking for ADs. Go and see your GP.

It is a bit "you had your fun did you think I'd have none?" isn't it?

You've both behaved badly. I guess you need to decide what you want, whether you can stay together.

Don't underestimate how painful an emotional affair can be to your partner. Having been through this it put me on ADs, I cried every day for over a year even though no physical contact.

Original poster
BHER · 09/11/2021 11:56

@Sarahlou63

OK, slow down a bit and try to put things in perspective.

Can you reframe your story to reflect that your relationship hit a low point in 2018 but that, since the birth of your children, you have been happy?

Massively oversimplified, I know, but that's what it boils now to; you had a short emotional affair, he had a short physical affair. You can argue till the cows come home about which was worse, or which of you had the best excuses extenuating circumstances but you won't change the facts.

Do you want to stay together? Or do you want to leave the relationship?

I want to stay together and love our family . Like I say I'm fine when we are together but when I'm on my own I can't get these images out of my head seeing him with her and letting it play in my head. The way I always make myself feel better is to ride and now I don't feel I can even take my horses for a ride because I have to go past her and I just Don't feel up to that . I just don't know how to get out of this horrible place
OP posts:
SunnySideDownBriefly · 09/11/2021 12:00

I don't think there are any drugs that are going to take this pain away in the way you need - this is psychological and emotional pain you are experiencing and you're hurting for a reason. You need to feel this pain...not sleepwalk through your relationship. It's pretty poor of him to absolve responsibility for his affair because of your emotional affair and you are absolutely 100% entitled to feel the way that you do. His affair has much longer term consequences as your private life being common-knowledge and you have to cross people's paths including the OW. Of course, you had the emotional affair first but there was obviously something wrong with the relationship or with you at the time that you needed to have someone that bolstered your self-esteem.

OK, is your BF and this relationship really worth it? Do you love him? In a way that you want to spend the rest of your life with him? How dependent are you on him? Financially? Emotionally? Are you focusing on this major issue because, actually, you're not happy anyway and the relationship is still lacking for you?

If you want to move past these feelings then he needs to admit his wrong-doing too and explain how he feels. And you both need counselling to talk this through if you can't manage it without a mediator. It will be a long process but time, and talking, is a healer. But that's only if you have something worth doing the hard work for...because it will be hard work and uncomfortable.

Please don't torture yourself for the rest of your life by staying with this man. Your kids need a happy Mum who is loved and respected by her partner...or more importantly, has love and respect for herself.

tipOver · 09/11/2021 12:00

Can I ask what you mean when you say he was always paranoid about you talking to other men?

Original poster
BHER · 09/11/2021 12:16

@SunnySideDownBriefly

I don't think there are any drugs that are going to take this pain away in the way you need - this is psychological and emotional pain you are experiencing and you're hurting for a reason. You need to feel this pain...not sleepwalk through your relationship. It's pretty poor of him to absolve responsibility for his affair because of your emotional affair and you are absolutely 100% entitled to feel the way that you do. His affair has much longer term consequences as your private life being common-knowledge and you have to cross people's paths including the OW. Of course, you had the emotional affair first but there was obviously something wrong with the relationship or with you at the time that you needed to have someone that bolstered your self-esteem.

OK, is your BF and this relationship really worth it? Do you love him? In a way that you want to spend the rest of your life with him? How dependent are you on him? Financially? Emotionally? Are you focusing on this major issue because, actually, you're not happy anyway and the relationship is still lacking for you?

If you want to move past these feelings then he needs to admit his wrong-doing too and explain how he feels. And you both need counselling to talk this through if you can't manage it without a mediator. It will be a long process but time, and talking, is a healer. But that's only if you have something worth doing the hard work for...because it will be hard work and uncomfortable.

Please don't torture yourself for the rest of your life by staying with this man. Your kids need a happy Mum who is loved and respected by her partner...or more importantly, has love and respect for herself.

i do love him and our family. i was very happy with our now perfect family until all this came out. now i put a smile on and pretend to be ok when he comes home from work. the truth is im anything but ok, ive never felt this low. this hurt. im not the sort of woman to cry, i get up and carry on, but this has got me sitting at home sobbing atleast once a day. the reason i referenced abuse in my past is not because that hurts me now but for comparison. i feel more hurt now then i did as an abused child. you are right about my online affair, i literally wanted someone who really wanted to talk to me and the only way to keep him talking to me was to go along with his sex talk etc , i know thats weird and i dont know why i did it. i just cant get the images out of my head of him flirting with her in work, taking her to our local pub then taking her home in the middle of the day. going over and over in my head what then happened when the door closed. did he say the same things to her that he says to me in bed? makes me feel the nice things he says to me are worthless as i feel he probably said all the same things to her! how do i get these out of my head :(
OP posts:
Original poster
BHER · 09/11/2021 12:23

@tipOver

Can I ask what you mean when you say he was always paranoid about you talking to other men?
for instance I had a gay friend. I started riding my horse out with him on his horse as it was really nice to have company.. this resulted in accusations. since having my first baby my brother in law started coming to my farm with my nephews for riding lessons, then i could also ride my horses whilst they watched my baby so they got a riding lesson, i got a baby sitter to ride - he wasnt happy about that either as he seems to be under some wild impression that me and BIL have history?!?!?! all similar stuff to this... he says because im younger he doesnt expect me to stay with him and fears other men.

i think after seeing me the past 2 months upset over what he has done may have made him realise though how i really feel.
i think he thinks im fine now as i put on a brave face and dont let on my feelings.

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 09/11/2021 12:44

Have you thought that all the thoughts that are swirling through your head are exactly the same as was going through your partner's head three years ago (the sexual element is largely irrelevant, given that in his mind you had had sex with the other guy based on the messages he saw). The difference is that the information about his affair is fresh in your mind whereas it's old news for him.

I suggest you look into counselling - you'll probably need to go private rather than wait months for the NHS.

tipOver · 09/11/2021 12:51

I think others suggestions of counselling make sense and it could help you a lot. It's a really complicated situation and you'd have a lot more time and professional help unpacking it with a therapist. But I think it's clear from the examples you just gave though that he has never really trusted you even before your affair and he has been controlling because of that. It's totally not normal to fear your partner is cheating on you with all of the men around you, and he seems to have convinced you that that is normal. The whole relationship sounds very unhealthy to me, and if I were you I'd be thinking about whether it's worth saving at all, especially as now you've made a mistake it's just ramped up as he uses it as justification. Will he ever actually change? Of course all this is just how it comes across to me. Hope you're okay xx

Original poster
BHER · 09/11/2021 12:59

@Sarahlou63

Have you thought that all the thoughts that are swirling through your head are exactly the same as was going through your partner's head three years ago (the sexual element is largely irrelevant, given that in his mind you had had sex with the other guy based on the messages he saw). The difference is that the information about his affair is fresh in your mind whereas it's old news for him.

I suggest you look into counselling - you'll probably need to go private rather than wait months for the NHS.

@Sarahlou63 yes 100% definitely, but from the very moment he saw the messages. I swore they were only messages. I then promised a DNA test and also looked at paying for a test before baby was born. I still class the messages as cheating and I couldn't have been more sorry. The difference is he must have had some hope that I was telling the truth to cling on to. so through his dark thoughts, I was there promising him and reassuring him. Where as I don't have that hope that its not real, he has admitted he was having sex with my friend, in our house, in the bed I still sleep in and the sofa I still sit on every day. and the difference now is I've found this out and I don't feel any sort of urge to go and bring one of his friends home for sex for revenge to make it 'one all'.
OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 09/11/2021 13:05

From what you've said, it's been 1-1 since 2018; you just didn't know that he'd (in his eyes) equalised.

Original poster
BHER · 09/11/2021 14:09

@Sarahlou63

From what you've said, it's been 1-1 since 2018; you just didn't know that he'd (in his eyes) equalised.
You are right but in my head I don't see messages to someone I've never ever met and actually having a relationship with your gfs friend/ having sex in your home together as equal. I sent messages , no more and if he didn't believe that, he should have left or if he wanted to remain with me he should have come clean when he decided he wanted to give us another go. He didn't. It was Sept this year he was bringing up how I'd been unfaithful by sending messages when I managed to . I don't blame him for wanting somebody else, I've never felt good enough and that was without the messages on top. I'm just heart broken at the images in my head . The point of my post is for help on how rubbish I feel every day
OP posts:
Original poster
BHER · 09/11/2021 14:54

@tipOver

I think others suggestions of counselling make sense and it could help you a lot. It's a really complicated situation and you'd have a lot more time and professional help unpacking it with a therapist. But I think it's clear from the examples you just gave though that he has never really trusted you even before your affair and he has been controlling because of that. It's totally not normal to fear your partner is cheating on you with all of the men around you, and he seems to have convinced you that that is normal. The whole relationship sounds very unhealthy to me, and if I were you I'd be thinking about whether it's worth saving at all, especially as now you've made a mistake it's just ramped up as he uses it as justification. Will he ever actually change? Of course all this is just how it comes across to me. Hope you're okay xx
thank you. this is the thing, things did change. we were really really good. we still are really good and we have children that depend on us now to. I think if id found out about his affair in 2018 I would have ended things and looked at moving away because I cant handle the thought that he thinks I had a physical affair and I cannot handle knowing he had one and even more so one so close to home and someone from my own bubble. obviously I'm upset now because I've found out about something from a bad period and I'm fixated on it, doesn't help the bed and sofa are the same ones.

ive promised myself though if i ever catch her chatting to him more then a basic customer in his work though that I will leave, children or not.

OP posts:
Ekerty72 · 09/11/2021 15:05

Every now and then since 2018 any little tizz and he would always bring up those messages and I would apologise and say again how it had been one big mistake

I don't feel I can talk to him about it because I think he is fed up of me bringing it up

So he is allowed to bring it up multiple times, but you aren't?!

BlueMoon23 · 09/11/2021 15:20

I think from reading your updates that ultimately you need to access therapy to help you process all the thoughts you are having that you can't let go of. You mentioned your own childhood history and I think this is absolutely linked to how you are feeling now. You feel betrayed and let down that your safe person has done this. I think in time you may come to see that he is not necessarily as safe as you imagine as it sounds very much like he has his own issues and can be controlling and negative towards you. Therapy is the way forwards to help you unravel all this and work through it. Pick someone experienced in trauma.

HeartsAndClubs · 09/11/2021 15:31

OP, two wrongs don’t make a right.

At this point it doesn’t matter that you had an emotional affair 3 years ago. It matters in terms of that it shouldn’t have happened and it was wrong at the time, but ultimately your partner chose to stay with you after the event, at which point he needed to move past it.

It certainly doesn’t justify his throwing it back in your face every time you had a row, and it most definitely doesn’t justify that he shagged another woman in your house.

You need to let go of what you did and make your decision based on what he has done.

You don’t owe it to him to forgive him just because he forgave you. If he

If he couldn’t get past you doing what you did, then he should have walked away, not shagged another woman and tried to deflect that back on to you.

Personally I would throw the fucker out. The way he has behaved is despicable, and he, and only he, is responsible for having an affair with this woman.

You owe him nothing.

Original poster
BHER · 09/11/2021 17:16

@HeartsAndClubs

OP, two wrongs don’t make a right.

At this point it doesn’t matter that you had an emotional affair 3 years ago. It matters in terms of that it shouldn’t have happened and it was wrong at the time, but ultimately your partner chose to stay with you after the event, at which point he needed to move past it.

It certainly doesn’t justify his throwing it back in your face every time you had a row, and it most definitely doesn’t justify that he shagged another woman in your house.

You need to let go of what you did and make your decision based on what he has done.

You don’t owe it to him to forgive him just because he forgave you. If he

If he couldn’t get past you doing what you did, then he should have walked away, not shagged another woman and tried to deflect that back on to you.

Personally I would throw the fucker out. The way he has behaved is despicable, and he, and only he, is responsible for having an affair with this woman.

You owe him nothing.

unfortunately it wasn't just one shag, he said three times when I asked to know the full truth. I seem to think this relationship might have gone on my whole 9 months of pregnancy until I was home with baby , ill never know the full truth. I think if I'd found out the truth before my son was born I would have left but we have been good since and I do love our time together . just right now i cant get these images out of my head, I feel at rock bottom 90% of the time. I find myself crying at least once a day. Having nightmares, anxiety attacks. Just don't know how to get my head around this. He says he got over mine by thinking of the good times and accepting I'm still there with him and not someone else .... truth was I guess he made himself feel better by getting into a relationship with my friend for how ever long. He also had me reassuring him that I never met the guy and it was someone I knew online. so no matter what sort of affair he thought id had, he must have had some hope i was telling the truth about it not being physical. I don't have that, I know he had a relationship and with someone I know. It's heart breaking. I feel its totally ruined my life. At home I think about it, when we are intimate with each other i think about it. I cant do anything with my horses because whole local horsey world knows and if i go riding I have to ride past her.... I've even taken to feeling totally sick if ever I have to drive past our old flat and the pub he took her for dates in and of course the bed and sofa make me feel horrendous but I dont have the money to change them. He has promised to change both of them this month after he is paid.
OP posts:
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