Encouraging messages please

[lewybody]

Hi all

I am 36 years old. My dad was diagnosed with lewy body dementia 6 years ago at the age of 60. Today he had a fall - he went out for a walk and it was a bit dark and he didn't see the curb. It infuriates me that this happened, because I feel he is not receiving adequate care from my step mother who regularly leaves him by himself. This is the second fall, in the same place, same bit of curb, again in the dark, when he was alone and unaccompanied. Again.

Without sounding like a twat, I am in this situation where I am upwardly socially mobile. I was the first person in my family to do a levels and go to university. I did a phd, became a lecturer and teach at a university. I also married someone middle class. My salary isn't great but it's more than my parents who are both still in council flats. I help them out a lot, to a point where I have hired a carer to come and see my dad one hour a day and have a deal with a local uber driver to take him wherever he wants. This in itself was a big drama for step mum who was worried that it would affect her benefits. They often ask me for money and I always oblige if I can. It's embarrassing talking to them in front of my husband.

To add to this, I am having IVF, with my embryo transfer happening tomorrow. All the doctors and all my IVF friends are all like 'good luck' and 'stay stress free' but I feel so sick and tired of middle class people who just don't have the same problems as me - both growing up in what is technically called 'poverty' and a 'troubled family' - and being an adult with that same weight on your shoulders and the need to keep your family afloat because you have a career and income. I get that everything is relational and everyone's going through something but oh my god I just needed to vent.

Please send me some encouraging quotes.

Sorry for sounding twatty.

Thank you x

Vent away, my dear.
Alas I have no words of wisdom to support you.
Sorry.

You are in a difficult situation where you provide support to your father yet your stepmother is concerned about the impact on benefits.

I think that you ought to look at help that might be available to your dad but be aware that your support might hamper any claim that he had.

Do NOT, accept the role of carer when dealing with social services etc.. if anyone asks if you're a carer , decline. Else authorities will assume that you're in charge of his well-being. ( fell for this twice with elderly neighbours !!!)

You need to focus on your IVF treatment.
Your dad needs to accept that he's getting a bit frail. He is married to his wife... she will need to step up, but it's not down to you.

It's easier said than done but you must not be guilt tripped into helping him when he has someone who is already there to help him.
He made his choice.

You need to focus on your choice.

Good luck OP.

Thank you, those actually are words of encouragement that I needed x

If it’s any comfort MC families can also be a nightmare..

You have to set your boundaries. No point you falling over. Focus on your IVF. If you have any energy left over be the annoying demanding person with SS, you might get your Dad a bit more (or not.)

Good luck with everything

I can relate to some degree.

My 'rules' are firmly around the 'you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink'. I try hard to point out best options (despite the backlash of 'we don't need help / there's nothing wrong' ) and then make myself take a step back. Don't get dragged into the chaos.

In your situation, you have already done more than your fair share of support. It's understandable you're upset about your Dad but you do need some boundaries in place so that you don't feel desperate when things go in the wrong direction. You can't be there 24/7 to take care of every aspect of a situation- you're doing your best. By the sounds of it, you need energy to focus on your own situation.

You need to vent, and it sounds like you have been keeping things in, which only makes it worse.

I wish I had more encouraging words, but I only have admiration for you! You have a lot in your plate and it's admirable that you dealing with everything.