Advice on husbands porn viewing

[Peachezz]

My husband has acquired porn videos from his friend. I have always been accepting of him watching videos in the past but these videos are of much younger girls (18-25). One night I happened to see him watching a video and confronted him as I felt the girls were very young. The response was sort of it alright as they are 18+. After further discussion & upset we went through them and he has deleted over half.Now about 60 remain. There videos are different from the ones we watched together as they are solo girls and while the videos we watched in the past were girls in their 30s now he will only watch these solo girls in their early 20s. For some reason it has made me deeply upset and bear in mind I have been with him since I was 19 and I am now 39. I think what is upsetting me is that they are basically half my age and look like super models. He says I have changed but I asked him to play another girl video he liked in the past that I would watch too. (To see if it’s me that changed). I came to the conclusion that it is not porn I have an issue with and that it is just these ones, but he says if he deletes these he would just get more. He says that he is just being honest because he would never hide anything. He says I am having a mid-life crisis and I somewhat agree but also agree it is sparked by his actions. Please can you let me know if I am wrong to feel upset or if you think I am over reacting. I feel his doing this is pushing me away & making me feel less self confidence. It is making me not comfortable to be naked around him and just generally makes me feel like I am not good enough. Please can you let me know if I am wrong to feel this upset or if you think I am over reacting. He will not delete the videos on the basis that “this is just the beginning an that I am trying to control him”. I would really appreciate your advice as I don’t have anyone else I could reach out to and it would be good to have some outside advice. Thanks.

I think part of the problem is setting the expectation that you were happy with him watching porn in the first place.

That aside, it sounds like you have talked it through with him a lot but have you told him how much it upsets you? It’s a shame if he wants to carry on doing something that upsets you this much.

I think he either stops or it’s something he does completely in private, so you don’t see the women in the videos. That might be more frustrating for you though than knowing what goes on.

So accept it at face value and give him a straight choice.

"Look, shithead. Ive already told you that it is a huge turn-off for me that you want to watch these girls in solo porn. Girls young enough to be your daughters. Yes, I have changed. I've changed because I am 39 not 19 and I've grown up into a responsible adult who doesnt want to watch people who are just past childhood being exploited for my sexual pleasure. I'm allowed to feel however I want to feel. And enjoy whatever I want to enjoy. And so are you, provided it is within the law, which apparently these videos are.
"However you should know that if you want to watch this stuff, it is going to be a big problem for me. It offends and disgusts me. It makes me feel differently about you, and it is putting me off wanting to have any sexual relations with you.

"So there is your choice. If you want to wank to this stuff so much that you don't care how unhappy it makes me, that's your call. If you want to sit in front of a screen indulging in some fantasy that I find grotesque, more than you want to engage in meaningful, connective sex with your life partner, then that is also your call. You cannot have both. So you can choose. Balls in your court, perv."

Thanks. You are right about me being ‘happy’ about it in the first place. I was really young then and maybe I have changed a lot. I think it’s really not something we could watch together as it’s geared for him. I spoke with him several times and I told him everything about how it makes me feel. That brought him on to say that it’s me who has changed. However I feel if these girls were more like woman (say 30 and not 22) I would not feel that way. I think it’s also a case that he cannot masturbate without it. He said he will never change and he has always been a take it or leave it kind of guy. He understood I was also jealous and he found it amusing to the point that he has laughed out loud and also made a joke to say he would give each girl a name of their own. (This is his sense of honour). Today he has said he would not do it again anywhere I could ever see him.

Living with him is also not easy as he has personally agreed he is a narcissist and really cannot understand my very sensitive side which he puts form to me being too emotional & that he feels sorry for me. I have put up a lot with him over the years and it’s not been all bad as he has been amazing at times and is a great dad too. Also if we ever argue he can be extremely cruel and hurtful in his words. This issue has been like the cherry on the cake as for example even though we were very close and intimate last night the discussion on the matter came up and we had a tiff. I went to bed as I was really upset. He had words with me and proceeded to watch the videos in the next room in private. The only thing is when he turns down the lights I knew again what he was up to and he has also admitted he actually only did it to spite me as I am being controlling. I don’t feel like it’s even about control at all.

Thanks for your reply 🙏🏻

Thanks. I have said all this and he says he thinks it’s me that has changed. He is sorry about how it makes me feel and that this whole thing is me having a midlife crisis. I explained there was no such crisis until these events and in fact have always looked after my skin to the point that I think I look ten years younger than my age. Though he agreed to make sure it’s in private in future he won’t change and says I should love him as he is. This really has made me feel like I don’t want to be with him and I know it can only get worse over time. Will these girls still be between 20 and 25 when I am 60. He seems to think I am being ridiculous. With our kids it’s been so hard to leave and of course I love him dearly. I have agreed we will part ways and divorce and he agreed. After 20 years and being with him since 19 where I have only ever lived with him since I moved out my parents house at 19. I have no idea what it’s like to live on my own or how other men are supposed to behave as it’s my only relationship.

I don't understand why you think it's preferable for him to watch a woman with a bloke than a woman on her own? I expect though that the women will be 20 when he's 60 because porn is a fantasy - who wants to watch someone wrinkly and saggy having sex? (well some do but that's a whole other thread...). I watch occasionally and I would always watch young and gorgeous men and women and remember when I was young (but not nearly as gorgeous!)

That's all irrelevant really though, it sounds like he's not a nice person and that this is just a straw that broke the camels back. What sort of 'friends' does he have?? It sounds like he enjoys tormenting you, laughs at any concerns you have and just does what he likes with no real consideration of you. So what do you want to do OP? Stay and put up with this or start putting things in place to leave/ask him gim to leave?

Bloody porn - causes endless sexual problems and relationship breakdown. You only have to read Mumsnet for a few days to see that.

Thank you for your reply. I guess it is just a little upsetting as the actors were in their 30s when we were watching this about 10 years ago (about my age then) but now they are 20 and I’m nearly 40, though I do look 30 at most. I have not seen anything like this before and I understand he is not interested in watching any blokes as he says it’s really off putting (which I can understand & probably should be happy about that really). I just cant really enjoy watching watching a solo or girl scene with him & it is really just for his enjoyment in the end. It’s also difficult to find anything classy (and again maybe I have looked in the wrong place or his woman/ bloke videos are about 15 years outdated). Vice Versa if he put on a bloke/ girls scene then I can see he would not enjoy it.
I only thought it preferable to see a bloke/ girl as that is our orientation so should turn us on to an extent and also mainly that the fantasy does not solely focus around him imagining he is with this other person. I’m head over heels for him to the point that I really don’t need to watch any videos at all.

We went into his videos from his friend and he said I must delete anything questionable & what’s left is supermodels. To some extent it makes me feel self conscious of my self and I do not feel good about myself. Sorry for this long message and I hope you will be able to read it all. I think after having 2 kids and cancer surgery it also has not helped my confidence. I wish I could erase those images from my mind.

Really it’s like he is two people which I guess you could call narcissistic tendencies. He is the worst person if you make him upset. He can say the most hurtful things such as scream at me & call me the c word. He always does really apologise after and can really turn in the charm. When he is his normal self (most of the time) he can be the most kind person you will meet. He genuinely will help anyone you can and treats others with respect. We have two children together also do even though when we do have a terrible argument and I can’t sleep all night owing to crying from sadness I always forgive him in the end and cannot break this cycle. I feel he is the best dad and he has so many good qualities that I forgive him. I feel powerless to leave. He does truly enjoy tormenting me if we argue as a punishment but it’s always emotionally. He admits he is cold at times and says all the right things. I feel he is brutally honest and then think of our kids and that too makes me stay.

I think I need to find a way to be less enabling. Honestly this morning and yesterday I was sure I would leave but now he has spun his crazy charms and said he will be more considerate & he’s sorry for hurting me. Now suddenly I’m thinking of ways we can try work it out again. It’s so hard as I have spent more than half my life with this man and I feel very confused.

As for his friend he came over and they were getting drunk and swapping porn on his laptop and this was a year ago. I remember being downstairs and noticed them upstairs on the laptop for something which when I asked what they were up to was told just listening to music but instead they were watching and swapping videos. Also not sure what you make of this.

Am I a fool to think it will all get better this time.

Am I a fool to think it will all get better this time.

I hesitate to call anyone a fool but you are very unwise to think anything will change. There is no way on this earth that I would want to live with a man who has his friend round to swap porn videos.

Quite simply it betrays an attitude to women which is not acceptable to me. You are a woman - there is no distinction. He holds you with the same lack of regard as these women in the videos.

You are not "trying to control him" - you are just drawing a line in the sand as to what is acceptable to you. You are entitled to your views and feelings, and to express them.

Frankly I would give this man a wide berth.