Legal - lasting power of attorney

[Shortperson]

I’ll try keep this as short as possible.

My mum is 96, lives on her own in a remote area with no neighbours. She is neglecting herself, very unsteady on her feet and has dementia.

My brother are LPAs and share her care in that we do some housework and as my brother runs the finances pays all the bills, does repairs - remotely from him home.

We both live a couple of hours away from mum so she does go up to a month seeing anyone.

I don’t know the terms of the LPA as I never wanted to use it. I’ve lost my copy but have applied for one this week.

The issue of mum’s safety and welfare has been a thorny problem in that I believe mum should carers and my brother doesn’t. My mum does not want care either.

Mum has enough savings for care I believe but she made it clear that she wants my brother to run the finances. I don’t see bank statements, accounts and cannot access mum’s accounts to pay for things. I have to ask my brother who gets agreement from my mum and then he pays me.

I’m facing two problems mums fading memory - I doubt if she has capacity and my brother’s reluctance to pay for things out of mum’s funds.

For example mum can barely walk, at risk of falling over, can’t see, can’t hear and very frail. I had to take her to hospital this week and wanted to buy a wheelchair so mum wouldn’t have to walk. but mum refused it. point blank. I then spoke to my brother who said he would not pay for one if mum didn’t want it. So I took mum and had to hold her up she was puffing and grunting. Luckily I found a hospital wheelchair.

It’s been like this since 2015 with my brother batting away anything my mum didn’t want. Now she’s failing mentally she cannot make decisions on her own.

Mum has to go back to hospital and I’ve offered to take her, on the provision she lets me hire a wheelchair but she said no. I’ve refused to take her and she said get a taxi but she has no money or card.

I would guess that Mum has substantial savings which should be spent on her care but she doesn’t want it.

I’ve contacted social care a few times but it all fizzles out as well,as her GP.

However, a GP is now making a visit to assess her and I’m hoping to be there. I’ve got concerns about her safety and self neglect.

The problem I have is that even if social care get to assess mum and recommend care I would to go against my brother’s wishes as the LPA. I still have to find out if we can jointly or severally

As I dont have details of mum’s accounts I cannot arrange care and my brother has made it crystal clear that, as mum does not want care, he is abiding by her wishes

He is not supportive of social care being involved in assessing mum.

So we are two attorneys who cannot agree on mum’s care with my brother holding the financial reins.

I don’t want to say this but I am concerned about his motives.

Anybody been here and if so how did you deal with it?

‘I’ve been there’ multiple times as a social worker.
Very difficult (and sadly quite common) when 2 people with LPA disagree.

I would persevere getting social services involved. As I say I have had many cases of ‘potential safeguarding’ exactly like this. Be clear what your concerns are and the risks.

I would usually start by assessing your mums capacity formally, and forming my own view about what would be in her best interests.
If I then thought that one of her POAs was not acting in her best interests I would speak to them but if they continue I would refer it to the Office of the Public Guardian for them to investigate. You could also do that directly.

Your brother is right though that even if your mum lacks capacity her wishes do carry a lot of weight.

Feel free to PM if you’d like any more advice but if you can’t resolve it by talking to him and you have serious concerns then I would refer to social services or get GP to do it.
Also if you have joint POA then you can access the bank accounts.
And most POAs are set up joint and several so you can both act independently,

But even if you set up carers, would your mum let them in??

Just to add - if he actively blocks her getting input from services like social care or OT then this definitely wouldn’t be in her best interests so should be reported as a safeguarding concern.

Good advice ^^ just wanted to express my sympathy for you, I've had similar ridiculous battles over similar stuff, a draining nightmare.

I hope you get some resolution and I'd be finding a copy of the poa sharpish m

Sorry I don't have any further advice apart from
What's already been mentioned, but I have been in a similar position. Holding LPA can be really tough, especially where there are conflicting views amongst various parties. Try and get social services on side and keep advocating for her. As long as you act in her best interest you should be taken seriously. Best of luck.

Hi again

Thank you it’s great to speak to a real social worker!

I’m so worried about my mu but she is quite sanguine. She says she’s well fed, warm and likes where she is. The downside is she vulnerable, isolated.

My mum had a toletting accident in July 2020 and it was on the floor and she didn’t even notice it. So social care and gp involved and my brother agreed to it as he felt ‘we’d come to the end’. A senior social worker was allocated (i lived next door to mu at the time) with legal background.

Suddenly my brother installed call barring on mum’s phone and she refused to answer the phone to the Sw. This went on for a few weeks with the sw speaking to me and then my brother. After a while the sw just sort of gave up. I then got a call from the sw and these were her exact words

‘Your brother Is the aggressor - he has said he is not spending his mum’s money on care”

She also told me that the lpa was registered after a diagnosis of dementia so the lpa is not valid.

Since then I’ve tried to become more involved in the mum’s finances but my brother and mum have made it clear they don’t want there. So although I’m an LPA I don’t have any involvement. There is no monitoring of my brother and my mum trusts him completely. She is totally in love with him and the dementia makes it worse.

What’s worrying is that he’s 73 and there is no plan in place if he should be ill whilst mum is alive. So if Mum needed something paid for i would have to pay for it out of my own money. Also, his plan is to leave all mum’s sccount details with my sister in law who will pass them to a solicitor if my brother should fall ill.

Is this right that mum should be so reliant on her son when she is clearly at risk?

I’m not bothered who runs mum’s finances all I’m concerned about is her welfare.

I did speak to my brother about home help and he got in his car and drive a 100 miles to see Mum and I was told she didn’t want it. There is a key safe and I know the code.

I’m not sure of my brother’s motives but I’m sad to see mum go down. I love her very much and see her once a month. Sadly since I’ve moved away she has pivoted more to my brother and sister in law.

It sounds very difficult.
From a social worker perspective there are obviously often lots of family dynamics and disagreements which come into play, and it isn’t our place to get involved in. We try to separate that from whether the person is at serious risk, in which case we do have a duty to get involved.

If you think you might be joint LPA then please clarify that as soon as possible which is sounds like you’re doing.

You or the GP can contact social care again if you have a safeguarding/self neglect concern

You could contact the OPG directly if you’re worried about how your brother is discharging his duty as LPA and they would investigate.

In terms of whether it’s healthy or not for her to be dependent on him - that wouldn’t really come into it. As I say, there are lots of different family dynamics out there! And she has appointed him (and you?) as LPA when she had capacity.

(If the social worker said the LPA was not valid because of a dementia diagnosis that’s rubbish…if he/she had concerns your mum was coerced into the LPA or made it when she lacked capacity to do so then they should’ve taken it up with the OPG)

Hello again

Thank you so much for your thoughts it’s helped me a lot.

The GP is coming tomorrow and social care have been contacted.

Mum’s very elderly, in mid stage dementia (Maybe) but still continent. Real problems with walking, balance usual stuff for an lady not been out home for 3 years. I’m not sure she’s eating properly although there’s food u]in the cupboard but she is incredibly thin. She Can’t see well, very deaf, frail.

She’s isolated, has set fire to a microwave, I never see any washing hanging up, Crockery stained, home needs a good clean

Do you think at 96 mum may just end up in care? I want the best for her and one part of me thinks she’d be looked after in care. Does my brother and me have to agree between us as lpa’s on mum’s care?

Thank you very much.

You can hire or borrow wheelchairs, zimmers & other household aids from the Red Cross

You may need to make a donation

See what the gp says. She sounds like sh needs to be in a home or have someone round multiple times a day. Tell your brother the lpa is invalid.

Who set up the LPA? Was it a solicitor or did someone (brother?) do it himself. Demand to see a copy. Is it just for health, or is it for finances? If it's joint and several your brother cannot prevent your reliance upon it. Please speak to OPG too.

Why wouldn't you all be spending HER money to make her life more comfortable?

It's her money

Hello there

A solicitor set up the LPA in 2016. Mum seemed pleased. My brother had handled her finances which I agreed to him doing it before the LPA.

Everything was fine until Mum grew forgetful and, as I lived next door I became the ‘go to’. I was pleased to do it but Mum did become difficult.
She’s very independent but when she got to 94 it grew too much for me.

She refused all offers of care, home help when she knew that I’d be there to help out.

I did try mum’s gp and social but it didn’t go anywhere and just served to make mum hostile to me - an even harder as she lived next door.

I started running a business, I lived on my own and was working long hours and found I couldn’t cope with Mum too. I kept asking my mum and then brother and it was rufusals from both.

Anytime I suggested anything I was shut down ‘it’s not what mum wants’. I never saw mum’s bills, bank statements, she had no money and I couldn’t access her money on her behalf as I didn’t know anything.

In early 2020 mum has an accident on the carpet in her home and my brother agreed that I’d to speak social care. Sw couldn’t get access to mum as she wouldn’t answer the phone so sw gave up.

Things came to a head it got too much -I had to sell up and moved away. I’m not perfect and lost my patience sometimes but the responsibility - after 5 years - was getting to me. I just felt trapped and no one was listening to me.

My mum is lovely but she is hard work.

I came back and saw mum regularly but she was going down hill rapidly.
She’d not left her home for 3 years and found it hard to walk.

Mum doesn’t do washing, look after herself very well. I spoke to my brother about home help and again, ‘it’s not what mum wants’

I just feel my hands are tied because I don’t know where her funds are or how to access them. I would love to make mum’s life better but I don’t know how or don’t have the money to do it.

We're in the process of registering a LPA for my mum who is 79, having previously done one for my dad. My brother and I are joint attorneys so you should have been asked to sign any forms if you are an attorney. In our case we have both signed finance and health forms so that all decisions can be made jointly and severally.

If yours was done through a solicitor you could ask them to send a copy to you or contact the OPG as previously suggested. It sounds from your post as though your brother has sole guardianship of her finances which could cause issues, particularly if anything happened to him but until you know for sure it's difficult to advise on next steps.

Your situation sounds like a minefield and I feel very sorry for you. I hope that the SW can offer some advice to make life easier for your mum.

Hi again

Any advice would be much appreciated.

I’ve not got the LPA and it’s normal jointly and severally which is a relief but it seems it’s not worth much!

I managed to get mum a diagnosis of lack of capacity from a hospital consultant who removed a cancerous growth from her face.Hekindly did a safeguarding referral for us and Mum’s gp is doing a sg referral and to the mental health team so I was elated.

I’ve got some work to do with mum in persuading her to accept meals on wheels and for me to do her washing - sort of warm her up to accepting care as there is nothing in place for.

She had a fall last week and couldn’t get up - at 96 it’s a worry. No neighbours around, no pendant. Totally reliant on my brother and me and we live miles away.

Mum’s not eating and is neglecting herself. Just watches tv all day.

I’ve written to my brother asking for details of mum;s finances so we can pay for care for her but he’s not responded and I don’t think he will because he either doesn’t want to pay or thinks mum’s okay.

I’ve spoken to the OPG and they’ve suggested me going around all banks and building societies armed with poa to find mum’s money/speak to my brother/or they can do a safeguarding referral.

I have been told to not bother about the money as social care will deal with it and I just need to concentrate on helping mum to accept help.

Mum has not been assessed yet just spoken to gp on the phone.

She can’t walk far and needs a wheelchair.

As I’m getting no support from brother and resentment from my mum for interfering it does seem an uphill struggle.

A lovely social worker has helped me here before and I was hoping he/she would answer a question?

How involved do social care get where the attorney will not co-operate? Is it up to me to report my brother to the OPG for not acting in mum’s best interests or social care?

Where there is a disagreement between siblings over whether their mum should have help or not who gets involved?

At the moment my brother is doing everything to prevent mum having help except from me and him.

It took a lot of subterfuge to get mum diagnosed with incapacity.

I don’t want fight this battle alone.

I’ll tag the previous poster in so hopefully they can see your update.
@NautaOcts

Hi there
In answer to your specific question, either you or social care can report your brother.
If you were to do it, in my experience they then contact the local social care team and ask for details of any concerns they’ve received or involvement they’ve had.
How it would work in my team is that the safeguarding investigation would be led by OPG but a social care worker should be allocated too.
So where I have had similar cases both social services and the OPG are involved. Their main remit is to look at whether the person there are concerns about should have their POA revoked. I warn you though they are not very fast moving.

So yes, in my area at least, a social worker would be very involved too.

I do hope that helps and things get moving for you.

You can check the power of attorney online by submitting an OPG100 form.

I agree with the advice to try to locate your mums money. If you are joint POA you have just as much right as your brother to spend money on her care if it’s in her best interests. To cover yourself keep your brother informed about what you’re doing.

Is there any paperwork in her house that would give a clue as to what bank her money is with?

Could you get her a pendant alarm? In this area the local borough council provide careline for £4.40 per week: you can add in other devices (may cost) like a falls detector which doesn’t rely on someone pressing a button, it measures a drop in gravity.

Good luck with everything. Try to do what you would do if your brother was not in the equation and you were the only POA, if he is not responding to you about it.

Thank you for that advice.

Mum won’t wear a pendant or accept any change in her life style but I will get one and try to introduce it.,

There has been sw before and I was told that my brother was the aggressor and did want to spend his mum’s money care. It fizzled out because mum wouldn’t answer the phone to the sw.

I’ll keep searching for mum’s money and keep my brother informed.

thxnk you again

There are no details at mum;s home it’s all at my brother’s