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Original poster

Dsis - selfish or just enjoying her life?

15 replies

Familycrapti · 06/11/2021 10:31

DSis split up with her partner 3 years ago. She had massive debts and was in a bad way. She asked to move in with me into a small house I rent and use part time for work. I agreed straight away, and she has lived there rent and utility free ever since. 1 of my DCs has a condition which could make Covid serious for her. I have been uncomfortable for a while about how much socialising Dsis has been doing whilst I have been v careful. She knows this.

Anyway, DH invited Dsis months ago to stay at our home for my birthday on the Saturday and one of our DCs birthdays. DC have been so excited and I have been looking forward to it as we rarely spend quality time together. Last week Dsis announced she would come but later, as she had a big 40th birthday bash to go to on the Friday.

I’m not comfortable with her going to a big party and then coming straight to ours. She responded that she has to go to the party and was sorry not to see us.

I feel so hurt that she has prioritised a friend’s party over me and my DC, especially after all the help, love and support we’ve given her. I don’t want to fall out with her, I’m just looking for a view whether I’m being unreasonable expecting her to put me first or whether she is being selfish going to the party and letting us down?

OP posts:
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 06/11/2021 10:37

I can see your point, but I do think yabu.

We are at the point now where everyone is vaccinated pretty much and life has to go on .

She was polite about it, but I think it is pretty unreasonable to say "you must prioritise coming to see me and abide by my rules for days before you do".

She hasn't prioritised her friend, she is just uncomfortable with your rules. She hasn't let you down either as she is willing to come after the party.

Do your dc go to school? They are mixing with loads of kids and you have no idea how careful any of their parents are.

ArialAnna · 06/11/2021 10:43

YABU and a bit batty I'm afraid. I don't think it's even possible for her to get covid so quickly and then be infectious straight away - isn't there an incubation period before you are infectious? Someone more knowledgeable than me will probably know.

I appreciate you being anxious because of your DC, but you can't hide them away for ever. You don't say how old your DC is but surely eventually they will want to socialise freely to? (Or if they are young, are you holding out for a vaccine for them?)

Your sis is being very unreasonable though in not offering to pay you any rent or even anything towards the bills. It's been three years! Surely she has sorted her finances out by now?! (Assuming she doesn't have any kids to support?)

Shitfuckcommaetc · 06/11/2021 10:49

So because you let her live in a property you own, (honestly start charging her something, it's obviously bugging you) she has to do what you say?
You really don't get to dictate to people like that, you asked, she declined. Normal.

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Original poster
Familycrapti · 06/11/2021 10:54

So because you let her live in a property you own, (honestly start charging her something, it's obviously bugging you) she has to do what you say?

Not in the least, it’s just background as to how close we are (or Ibthiughtvwe were) and how much support I’ve given her.

Dsis accepted the invitation to visit months ago. Then this week changed the plan so that she’d be coming later so she could go to the party.

OP posts:
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 06/11/2021 10:59

@Shitfuckcommaetc

So because you let her live in a property you own, (honestly start charging her something, it's obviously bugging you) she has to do what you say? You really don't get to dictate to people like that, you asked, she declined. Normal.
No. But she does get to tell her DSis not to come to their party.

She also gets to tell her that she needs to start paying rent etc.

Or move out.

@Familycrapti I do get it. She has every right to prefer her own friendship group, a friend's 40th out is more exciting than family brithdays in. But she is taking a lot from you and maybe you need to reconsider just how much you are doing for someone who, from your posts, is not doing anything to sort herself out.

  • Does she work?
  • Is she ever going to pay her way? Move out?
  • Or are you and your DH going to subsidise her forever?
  • How much does she actually cost you? Money that could be spent on your kids?
Qwertykeys · 06/11/2021 11:31

I think she's just getting on with her life . Not to sure how many are attending the party but I'm sure most if not all of the guests have been living there lives and not isolating before they come .
She's happy to come but just latter than you would like , maybe she thinks it's a good compromise.
I would maybe think of changing her for rent of the property , I presume she's pays her share of utilities. It did read a little like you letting her live for free means you should take priority in her life .

Nero2021 · 06/11/2021 11:50

I do see your point and why you are concerned however for what it’s worth if she contracted covid off of someone at the party and came straight to yours it would be too early for her to be contagious anyway.

shinynewapple21 · 06/11/2021 11:52

I wouldn't think there's likelihood of passing on Covid from anyone she met at the party if it's immediately before as there's an incubation period of a day or so. If you are worried about her mixing generally why don't you ask her to do an LFT before she comes ? I would do that before visiting anyone vulnerable.

2reefsin30knots · 06/11/2021 11:56

Does your DSis live with you, or in an separate property that you own?

You said she moved in with you, but then that your DH invited her to yours?

WTF475878237NC · 06/11/2021 11:59

I wouldn't do this to someone I loved OP. I think she's selfish yes.

stayathomer · 06/11/2021 12:11

I thought we weren't at the 'we just let ourselves get it's it's more 'we take the risks we have to to get on with life. But op have you actually talked to her?

daisybrown37 · 06/11/2021 12:12

So she was due to come to you on the Saturday and she has made plans to go out on the Friday? She was happy to do both, but you were not comfortable with this and you expected her to cancel her plans for the Friday? Do you not think this is a bit unreasonable? It is not like she has double booked on the Saturday - although it is annoying she would have arrived later than planned.

How long should she isolate before coming to you? She could get covid popping to the supermarket or Starbucks.

stayathomer · 06/11/2021 12:13

By the way you get covid instantly, you dont get symptoms for a few days, aits not like food poisoning or the like where it's 24 hours plus

daisybrown37 · 06/11/2021 12:14

Or was she due to stay Friday night? I would be annoyed about that, if she had made alternative plans.

shinynewapple21 · 06/11/2021 15:20

@stayathomer

By the way you get covid instantly, you dont get symptoms for a few days, aits not like food poisoning or the like where it's 24 hours plus
But you aren't contagious the minute you have come in contact with the virus .
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