How can I stop feeling angry at my families lack of relationship and neglect

[Arren12]

Hi all,

Never had my dad in my life as a child. My mum raised us as a single parent and was pretty much always busy. We were low level neglected as children. We lived 5 minutes away from my dad and his family but never really saw them. I have never met my mums family as she was also neglected as a child.

I have my own children now. We live 5 minutes away from my family. I got back in touch with my dads side of the family in my early 20s but its not a solid strong relationship. My mum is ok but not interested in spending quality time with me or the kids. She only contacts me when she wants something.

My dh family were really great with him growing up and they continue to want to be involved in his and our children's life but they live far away.

We are considering moving to be be near them but its a difficult decision because my dd is autistic and its a huge upheaval.

We really need some support as we are completely on our own here.

The thing is I feel angry that my family especially my mum are so useless. I feel angry I was neglected. I feel sad for my dc that they don't have any relationships apart from with me and dh. I feel angry that my family see us struggle with the dc and have seen me have a breakdown yet don't help us and actually ask me to run around after them. I understand i chose to have dc and its not their responsibility but I can't help feeling this anger.

Has anyone had success in letting go of such feelings.

Honestly? Not really. I think it always hurts. What getting over it seems to be us just accepting reality and stopping hoping that things will change (not great phrasing).

Thank you @PleasantBirthday I do need to accept and try let go. I find myself laying in bed seething on bad days. It makes a difference to me that my family actually have the time and resources to help us out or to spend time with us but don't. My mums a nurse and shows everyone a caring nature except her own children and grandchildren.
My dad had a lovely mum who was a sahm with support of a big family. Who unfortunately moved before I was born. So its not as if all he knew was neglect. He had the benefit of a large loving family.

Its annoying that every one of them posts photos of my dc online (my photos i have sent them) stating how much they love the dc and how they spend so much time with them etc my mum even tells people in real life shes an active involved nan has said this infront of me many times before. Its ridiculous. My kids asked who she was the other day for goodness sake.

It does hurt when I see grandparents on the school run and friends tell me about spending time with family and the support they receive.

I was not neglected but my parents have no time for me as an adult. I thought when I had kids they would show more interest but they don't. I think my mum is a narcissist. If I were you I would move closer to dh family.

@Notdoingthis do you find it easy to let this go. Its not helpful for me to feel this anger but I can't seem to help it. Do you have any support or other relationships instead such as with your dh family.

I’m following this with interest OP. My parents and I got into a row last week over the fact they said they do so much for their grandchildren. The two youngest are 3.5 and 2 and had no idea who they were until last week.

They have looked after them both for 45 minutes once whilst I went for a covid jab. Sometimes offer them lifts but don’t have any car seats and don’t even understand what child locks are in the backs of cars.

It’s not that they don’t want to that gets me, it’s the pretending they do so much and having the nerve to say it to my face! I’ve not relied on them for barely anything for 15 years.

Anyway, sorry to derail. But yes I’ll be watching with interest.

Oh yes @Confiscatedpopit I get the pretending too. Its worse.

What was the outcome of the row? What did they say when you called them out on it? I don't suppose they had an answer did they?
I'm the same as you. I get they don't want to see us or have a meaningful relationship but at least own that instead of lying to everyone including themselves.

My dad made plans to take my dd out for her birthday yesterday. He made plans with her by ringing her 3 times last week. Made a big deal about what they would do etc. Reminded her the night before. He didn't turn up. No text you say why nothing. Dd was sat ready waiting for him. Shes only 4. Its heartbreaking. I knew he wouldn't turn up but he rang me and asked to speak to her then told her before I could intervene. I'm not allowing him yo ring the dc from now on.

Yup similar here.both my parents live nearby. I was neglected. One is very well off.

I had some therapy and the beat bit was to stop keep going to them expecting them to care. I have little contact with one of them and the other one I stopped ringing so regularly. I stopped trying to engineer visits etc. And accepted this is what it is. I am far more mentally healthy.

I think about them far less. But do get a pang when I see grandparents sometimss.

I genuinely dont thinkk they will change. There is nothing you can say or do that will be the "magic words" (which I was looking for) to make them suddenly wake up and behave differently.

Just stop engaging so much and focus on doing things wihout them. It is so much better.

@WholeClassKeptIn I think I do need some therapy for this to be honest. Good advice on going low contact. Its me who always rings and texts them so I'm going to just stop.

Yep each time you ring or text theres a little bit of you that is still a child hoping their mum/dad will reply/be kind/etc. Each time they don't or they aren't particularly interested it hurts again. I think its a weird form of self-harm keep doing it... :(

I had therapy through a charity but it wasnt enough. But she was a trauma therapist and gradually ehat my parents thought became smaller and smaller in my head and I have stopped calling one of them at all. Why would want absuive people in my life??

I've focused on things I can do with the kids, the little things such as baking with them etc. So much mental energy was tied up in the whole cycle of hope and disaapointmwnt and then hurt/anger it is so much better to step out of it.

My Mother was very self absorbed. Had been on stage till she had children and lacked any kind of maternal bone. So my childhood was really odd. She was very beautiful and interesting, couldn’t tolerate being bored. Was extremely witty and fun but not like a Mum at all. I moved away to study when young so haven’t lived near family for decades. It probably made it easier emotionally.

MIL took the place of my Mother once we got used to each other, she is a very devoted Mother. She is relocating to be near us next year, has been on hold due to lockdown. She is a very fit ex yoga and fitness teacher and only stopped teaching at almost 75. Meeting MIL showed me what a Mother should be like. Move away be really thankful you have interested in laws and grieve the parents you never had.

Good luck.

I’m so sorry you have been so let down by your family. As an outsider it seems clear as day that you should move closer to dh’s nice family and get some counselling to work through your own experiences. As someone who also has an autistic dc I understand stand your concerns about moving, but honestly a more supportive situation will be better for her in the long run.

I've fallen out with family recently over essentially the same thing. I was always closer to xDH family as they were interested in my kids and tried to help whereas my stepmother wasn't interested, my kids barely know her. I have no other family apart from my half siblings who are younger but she runs around after them but still expects me to feel part of the family when there's an obvious imbalance. I've only just recognised it after near on 40 years.

WholeClassKeptin has pointed out something really important. The wanting them to react in a nice, kind way but it never happening. I am one of six dc. Three of us fully accepted decades ago that Mother was the way she is. The other three didn’t. One sister in particular used to get very upset and said she just wanted Mother to notice her and be nice to her just once. When Mother died three years ago that sister had a MH crisis.

I was really ok with her dying, she was never like a Mother, when I had a miscarriage and almost died due to severe complications she remarked a few weeks later that I looked fat and a bit of a mess. I had needed a further emergency op a few weeks later and had worried I was going to leave a small child and a widower.

I think you need to draw a line with your family. Your upbringing was what it was, and they aren’t going to want to be any more involthan they are now.
You need to move forward and think about making a family for your own children’s future, and if that means moving away so be it.
Think of the future, not the past.

It sounds like we have the same family! It's really hard op. I'm so sorry for you. For me, the only thing that has helped is going no contact. I tried the whole low contact thing, but everytime I tried to interact with my mum it left me hurt, angry and in a low mood for days. When I first made the decision to go NC, it was hard for about a week, and then I felt a sense of relief and lightness, like a heavy weight had been literally lifted off of me. It's been 6ish months now, I don't miss her, I don't feel angry anymore. I feel so much more relaxed now, which confirmed for me that I made the right decision, and it gives me the headspace to concentrate on my own relationship with my DD. If you're able to, I would definitely move closer to your DHs family in this situation, and allow yourself to grieve for the family that you didn't have 💐

Hi @Arren12

I read your post and it really resonated with me. I wasn't neglected in a traditional sense but there are many similarities in your OP and my experience.

My mother makes out to anyone that will listen that she's Grandmother of the year and she does so much to help us that we'd not survive without her, but the reality is she'll visit for a couple of days every few months, sit on her ipad and expect to be entertained, and she always times the visits so the children are at school. She is not interested in me or my children has looked after them over night twice in 5 years, and she can't even be arsed to talk to them.

I have gone through various stages of feelings about it, but I still have some resentment that creeps out, which is why I try to limit contact. I do also feel hurt when I accidentally let her in and she behaves as she always has, I then end up going down a shame spiral because I stupidly let her in to hurt me again - on and on it goes.

The two things that have got me to a much more resilient place emotionally are

• Moving far away and being able to control the contact we have.
• Counselling (particularly Gestalt Therapy) , being able to talk through and understand my mother, her life and her motivations.

Your choices are to either carry on doing what you are doing, or making a change - it might be hard but it might just be really really worth it to improve your emotional wellbeing.

Thank you all and I'm really sorry to hear others have experienced the same. Its very therapeutic actually to hear others stories.

@WholeClassKeptIn makes a very interesting point regarding the contact. I can see that I'm clinging on to hope and somewhat trying to undo the neglect I suffered but that's just not possible and I recognize i need help to accept that part of my life. Its almost like grief, I feel sorry for my childhood self that I never felt loved or even cared for. We lived in a pretty run down house and did not have many basic things. I used to look at friends houses and be envious they had carpets and heating and their homes were clean. It wasn't a poverty issues my mum just had better things to do than bother buying us appropriate clothes or heating the house. She was out the majority of our childhood.

@LucentBlade your mother sounds very similar to mine. Although she was not on stage she always had and still has to be the centre of attention and portrays herself as this fun , eccentric, warm lady but only if everyone is focused on her and meeting her needs.

I was very very ill last week in hospital and she texted to ask when I would be free to give her a lift and could I do her makeup beforehand. She was most inconvenienced when I told her no actually I can't just skip out of hospital to see to her. All the family knew I discharged myself early because dh needed to work and we could not afford for him not to and the dc needed me. Yet no one came to help out even for an hour. I was actually in tears when one family member saw me and they just said oh life is hard.

Another person who can empathise with this. My DF left when I was a baby, leaving alcoholic DM to raise me alone. It's taken me a very long time to accept that yes, of course she was an alcoholic, but also that she is not a particularly nice person even without that. I was left to do most things on my own a lot of the time from the age of about 8, I spent a lot of time alone or sometimes at friend's houses (where I usually felt I was outstaying my welcome). I am very low contact with her now, which causes me guilt every so often, but mostly it's so much better for my mental health. Having children really brings your own childhood into sharp relief, I thought I'd moved on from my experiences, but after becoming a mother I was angrier than ever, I could not, and still cannot, fathom how a child could be expected to deal with that sort of life. I met my DF as an adult, but he left again and now lives overseas. I don't really talk to him either.

ex DPs DF was the best grandparent my DD could have had, but he died and it leaves a huge gap. His DW is now the closest person DD has, and she is wonderful. Her paternal grandmother also passed away.

I do feel stabs of anger still towards both of my parents - my DD doesn't have proper grandparent relationships, but actually I would rather that than have their self absorbed behaviour in her life. It occurred to me the other day that I didn't have a safe place as a child and teenager, and if nothing else, it spurs me to give my DD what I didn't have, and keeping them at (long) arm's length is a big part of that. Hugs to you, OP, my every sympathy. Low contact is the way to go, and the anger can definitely fade.

Just to answer, it is hard, but as others have said, if you can accept it, you can save energy on being upset. I decided to put in an equal amount if effort as my parents do for me. I no longer visit multiple times a year. I don't spend time and money on gifts etc

Oh Arren our stories have so many similarities. I ended up in intensive care after having a baby and they werent there for me. I used to remind myself when I was tempted to reah out that if they arent interested when im in intensivve care they wont be...

And yes it IS grief. Hugely. I was so angry and then upset for a couple of years after having my kids. I think it was firslty accepting what happened and was happening rather than hoping, then being angry and then sad that that is the case. It is real grief, both sadness for the "child" that doesnt have loving support and grief of the loss of the hope/ideal.

We aren't no contact and I never made a vig song and dance. I just stopped initiating contact most of the time. And intentionally stopped sharing any personal bits with my mum. Its taken a long time but the change of perspective is so so so much more healthy.

A bit of me hoped they'd notice and start to initiate.... but as they haven't they have shown true colours.

I don't want people in my kids life I have to beg to be there. And its freed us up to so stuff without my vrain being elsewhere/seething!

The only way to stop feeling angry is to go NC, move away and enjoy your relationship with DH's family. They won't change, so take control, remove them from your life, and move on without them.

I have done this and the sense of peace and calm is surprising and it works.

I'd really recommend therapy. I am in a similar position and @WholeClassKeptIn is right - they won't change but you can learn to let it go.
I also found the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents very good for this.

@cupidsabsolutepsyche I too never had a safe space as a child. I was groomed and raped at 13 because no one knew where I was and I was out till all hours with unsavory characters from a young age. Never told anyone that in real life.
As a consequence im super aware of creating a safe warm home for my dc where they can feel they can come to me with anything. People tell me the standard of care/home I provide for my children is very high (Healthcare professionals and friend's) so there is a positive as a consequence. I have literally become the complete opposite of my family.

@schmalex thank you I will take a look at that book.