Anyone had to deal with a child being groomed online?

[TattiePants]

Would really appreciate advice from either a parent who has had to deal with their child being groomed online or a professional who works in this field. We’ve discovered thousands (20k +) of messages between teenage DS and a ‘13 year old girl’ in another country. The messages started in July and are all in a private chat on Discord although they ‘met’ online playing Roblox, started chatting within the game and then progressed to the private chats. Fortunately this week she over-egged her story, DS got very upset and it all came out.

The messages are very sexual, mainly about her being sexually abused by multiple people over many years. She then uses this to try and engage DS into talking about sex. There is no way these messages were written by a child and fortunately DS had never responded in that way. Over the 4 months the sexual content has ramped up but she never explicitly ask for eg naked pictures, just suggests she could send some to DS, I assume hoping he’d then send some in return.

There is also a huge amount about suicide and self harm. At least once a week she messages him overnight that she’s going to kill herself, refuses to reply the next morning so he goes to school worried she has actually killed herself. Given the number of times she’s supposedly drunk / drugged herself and been admitted to hospital she would either be in care or dead!

DS has SEN and struggles with confidence so he has completely bought into her lies and has totally opened up to her believing she is a friend, offering her lots of support, encouraging her to go to the police etc.

This is what we’ve done so far / plan to do but is there anything else we should do and what can we expect from the police? Obviously we’ve talked LOTS with DS and he does now believe that his ‘friend’ is not who he thought she was and he will not try to contact her (she’s still repeatedly messaging him). He has no access to the internet until this is sorted out and we’ve had, and will have, lots of talks about internet safety. DH and I have also accepted we’ve totally dropped the ball on this one.

I’ve spoken to his mentor at school and also their safeguarding lead. We’ve reported a few messages to Discord in the hope they will investigate. we’ll be completely an online report to the police (probably tomorrow). Security will be very tight before he is allowed back online.

What else should we do and what can we expect from the police? Realistically, I’m assuming there is no hope of actually tracking this person down. There is so much to unpick from the messages I’ve read that we’ll be talking about safety, mental health, healthy relationships etc for a very long time.

This post is long enough so I’m sure there will be lots I’ve forgotten to include.

I forgot to add, I’ve referred to ‘her’ throughout the post. It is very obviously a man.

Sadly the creeps who do this are savvy enough to find ways of not being detected. I'd lean more on the safeguarding lead at school for emotional support/wellbeing. How does DS feel? Does he have good friends at school? Extra curricular activities? Etc

Bless you OP - sounds tough. I'm a teacher and have been involved in several cases similar to what you describe. Sadly, it's extremely unlikely the police will be able to do anything. Otherwise, it sounds like you're doing everything you can and supporting your child through what will be awful for them. How's he feeling about it all? Therapy or counselling may help.
Sorry this isn't very helpful but so many parents have been in your position (and even more are in it without even knowing). Now you're aware and will be able to stop anything like this happening again.

We've been through this with DD who luckily came to us when the requests and threats for photos started to come through.

The police were brilliant - they sent someone round who sat down and explained everything clearly about the dangers which not only opened DD's eyes but also made her take it seriously.

They were happy to take it further but we had come to the conclusion that the person messaging was from America due to the type of language used by them and as tracking them down would prove almost impossible, decided to leave it there.

The police followed it up at a later date and lessons have been learned by both us and DD - I thought I was tech savvy, have always read messages etc but it showed us how easily it can happen and how much can be missed.

Unfortunately the timing of this couldn’t be worse as he’s right in the middle of his mocks so already feeling the pressure. On the face of it, he is being very stoic and dealing with it very well. he’s obviously very upset, embarrassed (both because I’ve read some very personal messages and because he was deceived) and angry but he is talking about it. His mentor at school is great, the safeguarding lead is actually one of his subject teachers so knows him well and he has a small group of close friends. He also had counselling a few years ago so we’ve mentioned that again if he wants to talk to someone outside the family.

@ShirleyBadass sorry your family have also been through this. We also thought we were reasonably tech savvy and DS knew that we might check phone etc at any point but we just haven’t done it this year. Fortunately he’s accepted that having no internet access for now isn’t a punishment but that we just have to keep him safe and need time to sort this out.

I'm sad to say that the police and discord will do something close to nothing. My son set a private server on Roblix for just known friends. one of his mates invited a stranger in who then started sending sexual stuff and asking for their school. Police said they couldn't do anything even with screen shots. Luckily it scared the shit out of my son that someone on line had his real life info.

@IncessantNameChanger I’m sure this will be the case for us too. The only good thing about this is that it has given him such a fright and been a real wake up call for us.

Hi op, sounds like a really tough situation. This will very much depend on what available to you locally but children's services may be able to support, through assessment and intervention as your ds sounds to be at risk of exploitation.

Also have a look at the nspcc and PACE ( paceuk.info/) for information/support on CSE.

@AMalTiempoBuenaCara I’ve looked at the NSPCC website but not heard of PACE so I’ll take a look thanks.

You can share literally anything on discord, I help run a gaming one for my clan. It’s heavily moderated. You can also have voice chats just so you are aware though I doubt that would ever have happened.

The only way to find someone through use of technologies is their IP address. This isn’t possible through discord as the way messages are are sent they are routed through discord’s servers, you can find people’s IP address through peer to peer services only. I’m no cyber security expert though I did build websites many years ago so am ok with technology.

As much as online services have improved the lives of many it’s incredibly dangerous for children and vulnerable adults. Gaming is an area where lots of people especially children are groomed. I have come across children as young as 10 in voice chat when gaming. I always insist on speaking to their parents and telling them what their child is doing.

Roblox is renowned for having a huge amount of child sex offenders looking for dc to groom because it is a game specifically designed for dc and known to have a lot of dc on just as mine craft is mainly played by dc.

I’m really sorry this has happened to your DS, I think seeking professional support with the organisations others have posted is the best way forward.

Actually reading others responses I do remember that we got a call from victim support and I think a offer of a chat with a family support ( might have been via early help which is one step down from socail services) but because it was a friend inviting this stranger and not my son, and my son being terrified that a stranger on the net knew his school, we declined.

If he had invited in a stranger and given out his personal info it would have been another story.

My son goes to a SEN school. I do feel this is partly why it happened.

My oldest son also has some close online adult friends he met as a young teen. He told me that he had been offered a gift from one. It's so important that not only do they what's not safe, but that they need to tell you at the time too.

I completely agree that the internet is a terrific resource but it's also a very scary place. It's also a relief to know that they can't get hold of our IP address. I've gone back through the messages and I don't think he has given out his email, phone number or full name, he has however given a bloody google map image of the area we live!! I will be letting the police know this but I am reasonably sure they aren't in the UK.

Your poor DS must have been so scared. I'm happy to accept help from anyone that offers at the minute.

Gosh I'm so sorry OP. How upsetting for all of you. Can you take DS to do something really fun this weekend that will get his mind off it? Maybe an amusement park or indoor skydiving or something? I'm just trying to think of stuff really cool that could help him forget it all for a while so he can relax and focus on his tests.

There was a post a while ago that was similar but it was a little girl, I believe she also had SEN... Maybe some other posters remember that one and can lead you there. There was loads of good advice.

Counseling, in time, would probably be a good idea so he can sort through his emotions about it and so he doesn't carry any shame for what happened. It sounds like you are doing a great job so far.

You should report to CEOP as well as the police

It's horrendous.

I was involved in a case, yes. It sounds remarkably similar- except the victim arranged to meet the predator. Who, surprise surprise, was a 30-year-old man. He raped her, but there was CCTV camera footage of them meeting at various places and, without going into the details, some of his DNA was still available to collect the next day.

In that circumstance the police were awesome and got a conviction. I'm the person she told, so was classified as a witness.

OP- I am VERY sympathetic to you. I saw the messages, and it's unbelievable the persistence of the guy in my case. He really did keep pretending to be a 13-year-old child for about 3 months. The dedication was so ridiculous. I can fully understand why the child was taken in- and actually felt it was a friendship too.

Several things:

1. She got counselling- which was essential. I don't want to diminish her rape at all, but I think the self doubt and trust that she lost in people had a massive impact on her teenage years. I would definitely get counselling and also just be mindful of that broken trust in somebody who was important part of your child's life.

1. I know it's not the same thing at all- but personally, as the person who the child disclosed her experience to, I also felt an element of responsibility- responsibility that wasn't actually mine really, and was also for an outcome I had no control over. I wish I had accepted this earlier- and my advice to you is to just accept that it has happened and try and move on. It's not your fault, and you can't control anything expect give some support to your child.

1. Get counselling. You will be facing some element of trauma too (which is sort of why you're posting? You're disturbed by it). A crime has been committed against your child by a possible paedophile. It is going to have shaken your world.

It is so awful that this has happened. Allow yourself to be upset (and for goodness sake warn all your friends!)

This happened to a family member and I can't tell you how brilliant the police were. Please report it.

Yes. We made a report to CEOP who took over everything for us. The police and Social Services were involved and were great.

A referral was made for counselling and peer support which was also helpful.

Thank you for all of the brilliant advice and so sorry so many people have experience of this. It's also very sad that there seems to be a theme of targeting kids with SEN.

It's 3 days since it happened and the 'girl' is still sending DS messages which I'm ignoring. Can't believe how persistent they are being but I guest they've invested over 3 months grooming DS so they're not going to stop easily. Once we know what the police need we'll be deleting DS's current profile in Discord and Roblox and setting up new ones with VERY strict controls.

The school had recommended 'CYOP' (I obviously wrote it down wrong) so I'll look at that tonight too. It's also reassuring that kids have been offered counselling and support, we'll accept anything offered.

@Rogue1001 and @AnyFucker, do I report to CEOP and the police or will CEOP involve the police?

We reported to CEOP who I think contacted safeguarding at school who made the referrals to SS and the police

It’s a few years ago now, can’t quite remember. I know we didn’t do it. The police left it up to us how far we wanted to take it. No pressure was put on us, if you are worried about that for your ds.

SS opened and closed the case after ascertaining that appropriate support was in place.

Ceop are part of the police

Ah, that makes sense

Thanks, I didn't want to duplicate work by reporting it to the police twice.