I have NC for this post but am a long time user.
My MIL coercively controls my FIL. DH didn't realise the extent of it until after we had children and she became a text book crazy MIL, highly controlling and critical, emotionally abusing my husband if he didn't do everything she wanted. I found her behaviour quite shocking and didn't know how to handle it. Pre-children, DH would always try and get into her good books when she gave him the silent treatment, but he couldn't meet her every demand anymore, and the silences became longer and more severe. With counselling my husband recognised her behaviour as abusive and reduced the amount of time he spent with his parents as a result, although he didn't want to reduce contact with his father who he had always been close to.
As a result of this, her abuse seemed to ramp up a gear. She stopped DH being able to spend time with his father - acting as his gatekeeper. All calls were suddenly on speakerphone with her there, she even answers for FIL if we ask him a direct question. It's insane and upsetting how she has taken over his whole being.
Last year during lockdown she took it up a notch and they decided to relocate to the middle of nowhere, several hours away from us (rather than in the same town). DH was devastated. His FIL didn't want to go, he would tell us if she went out the room, or call if she popped out to tell DH how unhappy he was, always scared of her coming back and catching him. He always had tears in his eyes and it breaks my heart to think about him being so sad.
DH feels she has removed his dad from him both emotionally and now physically. She has told the whole family my DH has ruined their life which is why they were 'forced' to move away, and some of them have distanced themselves from us since. One relative that has seen through this has told us everything she has said and it's basically turning this story around as though DH has done what she has done to them. Previously the whole family agreed her behaviour towards FIL is abusive, many years of horrible things she has done to him that I can't go into detail here. But they seem to have forgotten this and it's like they have turned against DH as they too fear her cutting them off.
DH is receiving counselling to try and process this whole situation. However at the same time he has just found out his father is seriously ill. He is desperate to reach out to him and spend time with him, but if he calls - MIL answers, if he texts - she replies, and he isn't allowed to see him alone without her there - which I guess he will have to accept eventually. She has told the whole family that DH has ruined the last year's of FILs life, and it's heartbreaking to watch her behave so cruelly to him. I feel like she is projecting, surely she must know what she is doing on some level?
I wondered if anyone has had a similar experience to this, especially with the threat of illness and death hanging over them. How did you cope, how did you get through? I want to be able to support DH if the worst happens. He is scared he is going to lose his dad at a time when they have no relationship, and he is also worried about the inevitability of being somehow blamed for everything by his mum.
If you read this far then thank you for your time.