Coming to terms with the feeling that the best years of your life are behind you?

[cheeseismydownfall]

Hello mumsnet

I've been feeling very flat for quite a long time now and I'm posting here to ask if anyone can identify with how I'm feeling and offer any wisdom.

Background - I'm in my mid 40s with three DC ranging from 14 to 9. Good, steady marriage of 20 years with a kind, decent, supportive DH. Financially comfortable. Decent enough part-time job in a small company, not the kind of job I dreamed of having, but very flexible, family friendly and excellent bosses. Objectively I do know my life is good and easy compared to many.

I found the first decade of parenthood (once through DC1's nightmare baby stage) the most enjoyable and deeply fulfilling time of my life. I just loved parenting small children - of course there were stresses and worries along the way, but overall it was just so joyful, so many pleasures every day and that sense of wonder and promise and having even more of it to look forward to. We were fortunate that the three of them were very close as children, and we just felt like such a happy pack.

We also lived overseas for several years join this time, which was in itself a fabulous experience, full of excitement and adventure, and only reinforced our sense of togetherness as a family.

Fast forward a few years and everything seems so different. I'm finding parenting older children/teens so hard. Everything seems so real now and I feel constantly anxious. We're not dealing with anything particularly out of the ordinary: one DC is struggling with friendships. Another has developed anxiety since the pandemic. Life is just a constant grind of work, school, chores, driving, extra-curriculars. It's not awful, but the joy has gone. The kids mostly get on OK but they bicker now. They are (quite naturally) growing into three individuals and that profound sense of togetherness has gone forever I think. I'm conscious that with three children who are each two years apart we are looking down the barrel of years of exam stress - and then they'll be gone.

I'm craving some excitement to make me feel alive again. If it wasn't for the children we would go overseas again, but we need to stay settled now for their sake.

I don't know if this makes any sense or anyone can relate. It's not that I don't love them as much as I ever did - I love spending time with them and they are great company - but I find it all so much harder. The rhythm of my life has gone from one of happiness punctuated by the occasional sadness, to one where flatness and anxiety are the default setting, with occasional moments of joy.

I know many of you will think perimenopause. I would if I read this about someone else! And perhaps there is some truth in that. But honestly it feels more profound than that - it is an overwhelming sense that the very best years of family life - and my life - are behind me.

Can anyone relate? How can I change how I feel when objectively I believe it is the truth?

I understand. It’s like a million small bereavements.. but I felt it when I had young children too, for a life of freedom & fun in my twenties. I guess the trick is to find a new purpose and small things to look forward to along the way. But I hear you x

Hi,

Just purely on the children side:

I would say that we had a very happy young childhood. Then we were grumpy/stressful teens (nothing out of the ordinary) and then we all became close and harmonious again once we were older teens and in our twenties.

I would imagine my parents enjoyed the teen years the least (coupled with my mum going through menopause). Our twenties/early thirties were great and they are loving the grandchildren years now now too.

I only have one DD but thanks to several problems she can be quite exhausting to parent.

I found that her being older gives me more space now. I can do things again without thinking of her in a practical way. If necessary she can feed herself, she is ok/happy to be on her own at home, I can think of going for something like an exhibition or a shopping trip without taking her.

Maybe rethink what you liked to do before children. Take up a new or old hobby.

Teens can be mentally exhausting, they still need you but the predictable practical issues are less intense, it's more emotional and I find it more draining than the younger years.

The joy has not gone it’s just different . I have just come back from a short trip with my teenagers and they were great company. I also like spending individual time with each one of them as I see a different side of their personality from when they are together as a group . I think you might need a new interest , look at this time as a relaxed freedom to do more things for yourself 😊

caerus, that's just it. So many small losses, none of which are terrible or unexpected, but that add up into something much bigger. Thank you for your understanding.

temp, that's really hopeful, thank you!

Its just so hard watching the transition from children who are basically always happy to teens that are having to deal with the reality of life.

I realy understand how you feel. My kids are adults now, but I feel like I’m in a permanent state of bereavement for the life we had as a family. I don’t find life as enjoyable and I worry far more about them. Distance makes things difficult too. I think if I had grandchildren that would make a big difference, but at the moment I don’t.
Try to take up new interests and meet new people to help you over the transition into their adulthood. It’s hard.

I'm older than you, my children are mid 20s. I am really excited about the next stage in my life.

It's not all downhill from there, I promise.

Sending you a big massive hug. Your kids are more independent now but they still need you! Even if they don’t realise/appreciate it!!
Many many more exciting different family times to come! First boyfriend/girlfriends, house parties, getting their first jobs, learning to drive, choosing unis/apprenticeship. My parents helped me so much with all that between the ages of 16-21.
Of course then maybe weddings and grandkids for you to look forward to?!
Keep yourself busy with your own activities, so your kids don’t feel like you’re reliant on them iykwim. Recommend the book ‘th book you wish your parents had read’

I'm 52 now and life has immense difficulties but it also feels amazing. Ds is going through exam stress but in fact what I'm watching with amazement and pride is him becoming his own adult person. Nothing compares to that for me, it makes this part of my life a peak despite some awful shit otherwise. The first time he got paid for a real job and you could almost see a lightbulb go on about how adulthood can work...

I think you're describing the natural low mood of someone who's dealing with a difficult patch of family life without the stress relief they want most (travelling in your case). Ds was a bit of a grind between 11 and 13. But it is just a patch, it gets better.

Could you plan an adventure or two? A holiday in Wasdale swimming in the tarn and walking, or walking Offa's Dyke, or skydiving? Sounds like you need adrenaline tbh.

My children are in their 20s now. I absolutely loved the time when they were just swooped into the car and we had lovely days out and I could still fix their problems.
Having said that, I now absolutely love their company as adults . Today my middle son who has been home for a couple of days came on a lovely long walk with me and he is such great company.
Next week youngest son is coming home from Uni for a week and am sure we will do something nice together.
Children really are a joy whatever their age…even the teenager years were ok …🤔
The one thing that I definitely find is that the older they are the more I worry about them ie driving etc .
I guess it is the same for all parents. 💐

I hear you OP. I’m 53 and feel similar, I also really enjoyed parenting small kids and I’m struggling now my youngest is 13. The older two have left home. It’s a tricky phase of life because I still need a job that suits being a mum, but I feel like I’ve lost a lot of the joy I used to feel about being a mum. I feel terrible admitting that
I am also quite “flat” and at times frankly down.
Not sure how to fix it.

Oh I hear you OP. 💐 I am really enjoying my DC at the ages they are now (10, 12, 14) but I feel like time is slipping away. My 14 yo talks regularly about her plans for university & the future & is an independent soul, so I feel like I'll blink & she'll be gone!

I was a single parent from when my youngest was 2, and it was so exhausting & lonely. It's so much easier now, in many ways, and yet I miss the that stage & the dependency & straightforward love. I also worry I never properly enjoyed it (and now it's too late) as it was such a stressful time.

My kids do a lot of activities; especially sport. I'm very proud of them but now they are older it's much more serious & it rules our lives. I often end up having a little cry over the weekend from the exhaustion of it.

However, I do enjoy being with them as the people they are becoming, they are funny & basically good kids.

The reality is there is no time for me. I work, I look after them & I exercise (that's my thing) but no free time. I think I'm mostly ok with this though. I know those times will come again. I have no real friendship group though (plenty of acquaintances) & find that hard.

Oh absolutely I relate.

Small children years had some incredibly tough times but also outright joyous moments - dancing in the kitchen or being excited by caterpillars or playing in the rain kind of moments. Also pre-child me felt in reach and I think a part of me thought that person and life would return after an interlude…

School aged children + PT work is mostly one flat monotonous drive through the same old tasks. My children still delight me often but they can also be thoughtless, rude and just epically disinterested.

I miss the not-knowing ness of my 20s; not knowing what was going to happen at the weekend or who I might meet or what I might decide to pursue next.

And I miss looking in the mirror and seeing myself; there is a very dour-looking middle aged lady mostly there now.

I feel a bit more alive every now and then - finding podcasts that make me laugh and properly chime with my experience, getting involved in the more sociable bits of my job, very occasional forays into ‘hobbies’ and meeting new people, putting the radio up Very Loud when I’m in the car by myself.

I feel like I need more women friends, more movement (especially heart-pumping stuff, but not Gym/running which I loathe), more community and festivity (where to find this I don’t know but my social life is dull and dry as a desert) and more adrenaline (not the constant low level worry about everything and anything, but the kind of rush you get from doing something a bit scary and surviving say rock climbing or I don’t know, riding on a motorbike, paragliding…?) .

@Callybrid

Oh absolutely I relate.

Small children years had some incredibly tough times but also outright joyous moments - dancing in the kitchen or being excited by caterpillars or playing in the rain kind of moments. Also pre-child me felt in reach and I think a part of me thought that person and life would return after an interlude…

School aged children + PT work is mostly one flat monotonous drive through the same old tasks. My children still delight me often but they can also be thoughtless, rude and just epically disinterested.

I miss the not-knowing ness of my 20s; not knowing what was going to happen at the weekend or who I might meet or what I might decide to pursue next.

And I miss looking in the mirror and seeing myself; there is a very dour-looking middle aged lady mostly there now.

I feel a bit more alive every now and then - finding podcasts that make me laugh and properly chime with my experience, getting involved in the more sociable bits of my job, very occasional forays into ‘hobbies’ and meeting new people, putting the radio up Very Loud when I’m in the car by myself.

I feel like I need more women friends, more movement (especially heart-pumping stuff, but not Gym/running which I loathe), more community and festivity (where to find this I don’t know but my social life is dull and dry as a desert) and more adrenaline (not the constant low level worry about everything and anything, but the kind of rush you get from doing something a bit scary and surviving say rock climbing or I don’t know, riding on a motorbike, paragliding…?) .

Lovely post. I suspect we all reach this stage at different times. My 40s were a delight as I had my children late. I started to feel that the best years were behind me when I was late 50s and DC were off to uni. Couple that with health problems that mean I'll never go abseiling and elderly parents giving me a glimpse into my own old age and it's grim. I have a fabulous relationship with my adult DC, now in their 20s but yes, the best years have undoubtedly gone.

@Callybrid

Oh absolutely I relate.

Small children years had some incredibly tough times but also outright joyous moments - dancing in the kitchen or being excited by caterpillars or playing in the rain kind of moments. Also pre-child me felt in reach and I think a part of me thought that person and life would return after an interlude…

School aged children + PT work is mostly one flat monotonous drive through the same old tasks. My children still delight me often but they can also be thoughtless, rude and just epically disinterested.

I miss the not-knowing ness of my 20s; not knowing what was going to happen at the weekend or who I might meet or what I might decide to pursue next.

And I miss looking in the mirror and seeing myself; there is a very dour-looking middle aged lady mostly there now.

I feel a bit more alive every now and then - finding podcasts that make me laugh and properly chime with my experience, getting involved in the more sociable bits of my job, very occasional forays into ‘hobbies’ and meeting new people, putting the radio up Very Loud when I’m in the car by myself.

I feel like I need more women friends, more movement (especially heart-pumping stuff, but not Gym/running which I loathe), more community and festivity (where to find this I don’t know but my social life is dull and dry as a desert) and more adrenaline (not the constant low level worry about everything and anything, but the kind of rush you get from doing something a bit scary and surviving say rock climbing or I don’t know, riding on a motorbike, paragliding…?) .

God yes. I really relate to this!!

Having little children is hard work but it’s also incredibly meaningful. I have had important jobs but it’s nothing in comparison. You are literally irreplaceable to them. So it’s natural that you would feel a comedown from that as they get older. Combine that with the fact that you are in the classic mid-life crisis years and you are bound to feel bad. Personally I found accepting my feelings helped, as well as trying to find my post-child identity. Try to find out who you are now, because you’re not going to just go back to being who you were 10 years ago Pre-kids. IME the feeling does pass but it might take a year or two.

I’ve been thinking about this thread, and don’t know if this helps at all OP, because I think your younger life sounds happier/more exciting than mine, but I’ve realised just rephrasing things in my head massively changes how I feel about it… so instead of thinking “I miss… cuddly toddlers/ nights out/ family days at the beach/ bedtime stories etc”… I rephrase to “I loved… cuddly toddlers, etc etc”

Somehow saying “I loved…” makes me feel so much happier than saying “I miss…” - makes me realise I am grateful for experiences I’ve had. It also makes me automatically see the flip side somehow, so:

I loved the anticipation of a big night out >>> I hated the hangovers and morning after regret/guilt

I loved the feeling of a sleepy baby over my shoulder >>> I hated the permanent aches and pains/postpartum health issues

I loved arts and crafts with toddlers >>> I hated mealtimes with food flung everywhere and constant mess

I loved the possibility of everything >>> I hated the pressure to get things right

Etc etc.

Makes me think also that in time I’ll look back on this season and there’ll be something I can’t quite see now that I’ll be realising I loved…

I know this an old thread but just wanted to say that I can totally relate.

We are at a slightly different stage with a 5 and a 9 year old but I’m starting to feel a similar way.

My twenties were a rollercoaster of partying and action and my thirties were filled with the excitement of new babies, marriage, buying houses and the wonder of life with small children.

Now I’ve just turned 40 I also feel life is quite mundane (although we certainly have a nice life). With some health issues thrown in it’s hard not to feel that my best years are behind me too.

Im not sure I have much advice but just wanted to say that you’re not alone. I’m still trying to navigate this next stage of life and maybe finding myself again after almost a decade of dedicating myself to being a Mummy.

Of course I still am but I am acutely aware of the fact my children are needing me less and less and it feels like a loss. Also seeing other pregnant women, parents with young children it hits me how they phase of life is over.

I guess nothing lasts forever, the days are long but the years are short - what a true saying! ❤️