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Original poster

I hate BIL so much....

14 replies

TiredButDancing · 03/11/2021 16:56

There is nothing to do. SIL is, slowly, very very slowly, realising that he is a total waste of space. I suspect that she's finally at the point where if it wasn't for Christmas, she'd be breaking up with him and that at some point next year she absolutely will.

In the meantime though, while we've all lived with how selfish, manipulative, controlling and lazy he is for years and years, it's all escalating as because she is finally at the end of her tether she has stopped trying. Cue him accusing her of all sorts of things, incoherent messages to her and the rest of us (including her friends). He can't even bring himself to be polite to my Dc when they go into the house.

I'm posting in chat because there is no solution. I just need to rant a little. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. It breaks my heart to see SIL so unhappy. I worry about our nephews and how the atmosphere in their household is impacting them. I can't believe how his behaviour over the last 12 years has turned SIL into a person who questions her most simple reactions.

Perhaps what I hate the most is that first we missed the warning signals. Then, when we did see them, long ago, we couldn't do anything. Maybe we should have tried harder? But he was clever and I think none of us fully realised how much power over her he'd managed to implement. We thought it wasn't great, but I will never forgive myself for not sitting her down 8 years ago and saying, "this is totally not okay". Even though I know that she would have justified his behaviour and, if anything, it would have allowed him to isolate her from us (which is the one thing he tried to do but was not successful at).

I really really hate him. And I honestly am not sure that there is anyone I have ever hated before. I am dreading spending christmas with him, even though we are spending christmas with them because we knew if we didn't she'd be left with him alone and who knew what would happen.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 03/11/2021 17:20

I totally get what you are saying.

It sounds like it's her time, and you've just got to get through one more Christmas (and quite frankly, Christmas is so often the straw that breaks the camel's back!).

Hang on in there. You have nothing to blame yourselves for. You're there for her when she's ready to break free. Just make sure she knows that.

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 03/11/2021 17:23

That sounds awful OP.

Has she spoken to Women’s Aid to get support and strategies for leaving safely?

Original poster

TiredButDancing · 03/11/2021 17:34

She is reaching the end of her tether but she still doesn't quite believe how bad it is. Not helped by the fact that he is accusing her of being abusive and he's still got enough of a hold over her that whenever he does, she starts to think that maybe he's right. Luckily, because his behaviour is escalating, 10 seconds later he starts being so irrational and crazy that she starts to realise that no, it's not her, it's him.

As for leaving safely, I 100% believe he has the capability to be violent towards her. And to blame her for it after. I also 100% know that in a physical argument, she'd probably win and she wouldn't back down, not for a second. There was an incident a few years ago. He's never tried again. If anything, it's one of the many many reasons I see him as a controlling and manipulative twat - if he thought being violent would make her do what he wanted, he would absolutely do it. But he's just clever enough to know that it wouldn't work. He has, almost amusingly, apparently made comments to her in the past that he should or could or would smack her and then afterwards, does the whole, "I know, I should never have said that but you drove me to it, I couldn't help myself" thing. He loves a bit of victimhood.

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Original poster

TiredButDancing · 03/11/2021 17:36

@mbosnz

I totally get what you are saying.

It sounds like it's her time, and you've just got to get through one more Christmas (and quite frankly, Christmas is so often the straw that breaks the camel's back!).

Hang on in there. You have nothing to blame yourselves for. You're there for her when she's ready to break free. Just make sure she knows that.

She absolutely does, thank god. So does he, which is why he is increasingly rude and unpleasant to us (when he's not sending us weird messages in which he tries to convince us that she's crazy).

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cuttlefishgame · 03/11/2021 17:38

Oh, the old "If you didn't make me angry I wouldn't hit you" line.

My ex used to be like that. He'd say "Why? Why do you do it? Why do you make me so angry I lose my temper and hit you?". Bastard.

mbosnz · 03/11/2021 17:41

You sound very strong, as does your SIL. Hold the line.

Opal8 · 03/11/2021 17:58

I hear you
It took my sister 18 years, sadly
Her kids are quite damaged
We tried...my mum and I...she would just stop talking to us each time we tried to ask if she was OK or needed help
2 years ago - almost to the day actually - she turned up on my doorstep hysterical and told me she had been hoarding pills to take
I sincerely hope your sister doesn't get to that stage
It seems she is aware and making plans which is good
But I hear you
I feel such visceral hatred towards my exbil it scares me

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/11/2021 18:02

I'm so glad she's got support.

Deafdonkey · 03/11/2021 18:03

You might be talking about me, it's so hard, I know I'm not the unreasonable one, and more I talk the more I realise everyone else thinks like you do. But when I'm home alone it is so easy to feel at fault.

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 03/11/2021 23:12

That’s good to know you feel she is not in physical danger due to her strength. It would still be worth her having a conversation with someone professional about safe exit though, especially given there are children involved who may also be vulnerable.

Original poster

TiredButDancing · 04/11/2021 08:48

@PiffleWiffleWoozle

It's not that I disagree with you. But for reasons that are genuinely outing if anyone she or I knows reads this, she absolutely will not do this. She's starting to see that this is not sustainable which is good, but to be honest, she is still taking at least 50% of the blame (or in reality, a lot more). She is at the point at which she thinks his behaviour isn't okay but she still thinks if she was a better person she'd be able to manage it better and be kinder to him because he can't help the way he is (so it's up to her to manage it). Which just makes me furious. And I 100% blame PIL for her believing this, but that's a whole different thread.

Thanks all. I feel a little less enraged today. I think just getting it out is helpful.

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Original poster

TiredButDancing · 05/11/2021 10:56

Update: there is some movement. It's not 100% clear but I think he's threatening to move out, accusing her of things etc and she's started just saying, "okay, sure, whatever". She's being a bit cagey but I don't blame her for that - it's all very difficult and I fully appreciate the dilemma but there was some talk about him going to stay with a friend for a while.

I chatted briefly with a very close mutual friend who saw SIL on the weekend and she thinks that BIL's behaviour is escalating and he's starting to say things to the DC and that seems to be pushing SIL over the edge. Obviously am glad she's getting closer by the second but his behaviour to the DC just makes me hate him even more.

I doubt this is it, but it is definitely feeling closer and closer all the time. Maybe we WON'T have to deal with him over christmas after all!

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Original poster

TiredButDancing · 05/11/2021 10:58

@Deafdonkey

Deafdonkey, I thought I'd replied to this yesterday. I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation. All I can say is that if you have friends and family around like SIL does, I hope you feel you can talk to them and that they will be there to support you as and when you need it.

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Original poster

TiredButDancing · 11/11/2021 12:39

I decided to update again because if nothing else, this is remarkably cathartic for me. Big news is that he has gone to stay with a friend (he left Monday). SIL says that the atmosphere at home is completely different even after only a couple of nights and that the DC, especially their younger one, is like a different person and that when her P came over last night to put the DC to bed, he came in and was shouting at them as he walked through the door and it just made her realise how often he is like that and that the DC find it awful. Her big reason for never being able to split before was taking the DC away from their father but i think she's starting to think that maybe this is a good thing.

He saw DH and was really rude and unpleasant and DH called him out on it. Unfortunately that has precipitated the usual 10 essays via text in which the closest he comes to acknowledging his behaviour is to say that he's stressed, but mostly its a long rambling monologue where the underlying message seems to be that we are all mean to him and aren't helping him and why are we such horrible people.

Sigh. He's so delusional.

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