21 y/o dd is lonely

[Ruth2009]

Dd has always found it difficult to make friends and get on with others socially.
She isn't diagnosed with any learning difficulties but she has a number of things which she struggles with : very shy, immature for her age, slight speech difficulty, not aware of normal conversation eg talks for too long / asks weird questions, dyspraxia (not diagnosed but we know she has it), no gcses: resat English twice and eventually scraped through, very anxious.

We do find her difficult at home, and sometimes lose our temper with her as she can be quite full on sometimes, other times she says nothing and is quite moody.

She is doing an apprenticeship at the moment in a small family business, so no means to meet new friends.
When she was at college she had a boyfriend but it didn't last long.
She doesn't really have any hobbies.

She is a lovely girl though, very gentle and caring.
She is lonely, has no friends apart from one friend from school that we no longer live near, sees her a couple of times a year. I know she wants a boyfriend too but has no means to meet anyone.

How can she meet friends? She's not into going out drinking and has nobody to go with anyway 😔

It's so difficult for her as she is sort of in between special needs and 'normal '.
I just feel so sad for her..

Aspergers is as much an inability to be sure what will happen next. Just because it happened one way before doesn't mean you are convinced it will happen the same way again. Same for other peoples behaviour and way of thinking.

If you cant predict other peoples behaviour or needs you cant be confident in your ability to respond "correctly". It takes thought and consideration. Nothing to do with lack of empathy, although sometimes the pragmatic way of dealing with stuff can appear that way.

I have no idea of how to go about getting her assessed

I'm so sorry OP, but I'm not best placed to advise you there as I'm not in the UK and I'm guessing you are?
GP as a first port of call?

Female obsessions are often different:
Anime, the sims computer game, cosplay, disney, board games, steam punk, pokemon (go and/or tcg), fashion, make up, dolls housing.

Sometimes obsessions dont appear because of lack of exposure to the thing that prompts the obsession.

she expects people to embrace her with open arms immediately

So she is fairly friendly and makes an effort with people?

Do you think she expects too much too soon?

Autism in girls/women is very underdiagnosed. It also can present very differently in females.

Just like how you would expect an autistic person to come accross: no eye contact, doesn't speak 'robotically', she has empathy with others, doesn't have 'obsessions' like autistic people do, although she does have some ocd tenancies now I think about it.

Autism looks very different in different people OP.
Eye contact isn't always a problem. Lack of empathy is usually not a problem, though 'getting' a situation might be. None of the autistic people I know speak robotically.

The incidence of ocd is increased in the autistic population. It's sometimes confused with repetitive behaviours too though, which aren't the same thing.

doesn't speak 'robotically'

Speak robotically is somewhat of a misnomer. It often actually refers to echolalia which is literally repeated speech. So instead of forming your own speech patterns, you adopt patterns from media or people you are exposed to, often using them on repeat.

So it can be really subtle. Eg DD would adopt an American accent and turn of phrase from watching nikolodian. I've known grown ups to adopt a phrases from their favourite comedians using them frequently in conversation. You might not even notice until you listen to the source and it all sounds strangely familiar.

Or it can be far more disjointed. DS will string together complete phrases borrowed from tv shows he watches. He will use these phrases on repeat. Interestingly with he messages on his phone, he uses the same gifs strung together. The same gifs on repeat sometimes in a slightly bizarre order (although the same order everytime).

It can also sound robotic when phrases have been specifically taught.

Many autistic people are friendly and want friends too, they're just not socially adept and things can go wrong for them.

I think you are right to focus on activities which will bring her in regular contact with friendly people who share her interests. I don't think she would do well with Meet ups etc, as they tend to be quite socially competitive.

To be completely honest, if she is pretty and meeting people, she will find a boyfriend (you will want to check him out). Men don't require intelligence, wit or social adeptness if a woman is attractive, good natured and keen to date them.

I am wondering whether her IQ has ever been assessed? Given her struggles at school, lack of curiosity and interests, and social skills lagging behind her peers, it may be that there is a slight cognitive deficit.

21:54TheYearOfSmallThings
Thanks, yes we took her to an Ed psych when she was about 8 and she had a very low iq, right at the bottom of average I think it was about 80.

She's had 2 boyfriends and it made us realise how vulnerable she is

tonyattwood.com.au/girls-and-women-who-have-aspergers/

Ok, in that case I would say the other issues are probably attributable to the low IQ. And yes, that makes her quite vulnerable.

Would she consider trying one of those specialist agencies (Choice support.org lists some)? They are for friendships as well as dating. Or would she feel she doesn't belong in that group?

Actually it might be worth getting a current IQ assessment.

Do you know how to get an IQ assessment done? We are in the uk

OP, my dd has high functioning autism(used to be called aspergers) she is very intelligent, top sets at school, her speech is fine,can keep eye contact but where she struggles is in conversations, emotional regulation and social situations. If someone didn't come up to her first she would discount them as a friend.

Start with the GP for a referral.

Yes, I think an assessment or assessments would be wise. Her IQ doesn't rule out the possibility of autism either, autistic people have widely varying IQs, but you really need professional guidance. The more you know about her the easier it should be to help, hopefully.

What does she do when she's not at work OP?

You could ask your GP about a cognitive function assessment, but since your DD is working etc they may not feel this is needed. They might be able to point you in the right direction for a private assessment - this would of course be dependent on your DD wanting to proceed.

I'd also recommend getting some external help. A family member has similar issues and now is his late 30s. His vulnerabilities meant he was exploited (mostly because his parents tried to wash their hands of him).

There is a lot of support you can access via social services and your GP, which can help develop friendships and life skills. Our family member now has a flat with support.

As soon as you described her Op I thought of autism. My brother and father are high functioning and mu daughter is being assessed. Your daughter sounds a bit like mine. None of my family members are robotic in speech!

Just to compare. The talking inappropriately and not knowing when to stop or sounding quirky. Seeming to just not need or know how to make close personal friends.

Anxiety is very closely correlated. My own daughter is anxious and intense at home.

@Ruth2009

21:54TheYearOfSmallThings Thanks, yes we took her to an Ed psych when she was about 8 and she had a very low iq, right at the bottom of average I think it was about 80.

She's had 2 boyfriends and it made us realise how vulnerable she is

80 is certainly on the low end of average, however it’s not significantly low in that it’s still within the realms of average.

I would also question how reliable an IQ test is, when taken at 8 years old. It could be higher now she’s older.

You’ll get people with low average IQ’s but they’ll do fine in life because they have the social skills to make up for it.

This is what stands out to me OP. Like others have mentioned, autism was my first thought too. The IQ score could be a red herring

-in that you’re attributing her difficulties to that when actually, it could be something else.

I’ll bump this for you OP