I just need to write

[ImOntheEdge]

I've written this before (well along these lines) I spend every day telling everyone I'm ok. I tell everyone that finally me and my kids are happy, in a routine and we are finally at peace in a single parent household. I'm mostly ok. I get the odd day where I think I'm not. Then I get the very rare really bad days. Today is that day. Today i held a mans hand while he took his last breath (I work for the NHS) I held his hand because covid meant his family couldn't be there. I cried, I cried because I felt sad for him. I cried because I knew once my shift was over, I'd pick my kids up, go home and do the same routine I do day in day out. This heartbreaking thing just happened but yet the whole world just went on? I still picked the kids up and listened to them all trying to tell me about their day at the same time, I still made the same spag bol I've always made, I still had to split up arguments. Nothing is different. Nothing has changed. I'm sad for this family that lost someone, but I'm sad for myself today too. Am I selfish because his death has made me sad? I'm healthy, my kids are healthy. But I'm just still sad that every day is tedious and I'm not ok. Not today anyway.

There is probably spelling mistakes or grammar errors but I'm just sat here typing away whatever comes into my head, On a forum where i hope im anonymous, because I didn't know where else to go. 🤷🏼‍♀️

You came to the right place. Today you did an amazing thing for someone and of course you must be completely emotionally drained.
Thank you for doing something so important, and kudos for being able to carry on with the grind.
Talk here if it helps. I am in awe of your strength x

You were strong and stepped up to the plate for that man. And your family live all the little things you do, even if it feels like ground hog day. Please vent here

My heart sank for you reading this. You've every right to feel sad and let it out. You do an amazing job, you are amazing. Take comfort in that and have a good old cry if you need to. 💐

Do you have support and someone to really talk to in real life, someone you can just offload to?

Thank you for the replies and kind words, I don't really see what I did as anything amazing. I just did what that family needed!

I have an amazing support network but telling them I'm not ok, isn't an option. They will hover and smother me and it doesn't help. Writing sentences that don't make sense as they enter my head, on a forum full of strangers is ideal. Even if no one reads it to be honest. It's like I have all this going round in my head and putting it down to see, kinda helps?!

Thank you for caring for that man. And for caring for your DCs, even if it is the routine of daily grind life. Even if that family cannot tell you, it would have meant a lot. And it means a lot to many families that people like you are willing to do this to care for their relatives and make sure they are not alone in those moments when they need someone with them.

This will finish, at some point. The grind will lessen and more frivolous life can recommence. We don't know at what point that will be, or what it will be like before that happens - but there will be brighter days ahead at some stage. And hopefully you will be able to enjoy those too.

Thank you for what you do

Thank you so much for caring for that man. For being with him. For making both his life, and his death, matter.

My mother is currently in hospital and she is dying. Not from covid, but of a mix of things that science and age cannot rectify, and I cannot be with her .
In my mind I keep seeing her alone in her room with no one there to talk to her, to hold and love her. But after reading your words I am hoping she has someone as beautiful as you with her.

Thank you, I can't see this screen for crying right now, but again, thank you.

I can promise you, she won't be alone when it matters. I'm not going to paint a rosey picture of the state of the NHS right now, but when it's needed, someone will be there, telling her it'll be ok, whilst holding her hand.

I didn't write this for thanks or recognition. I wrote it because I felt sad. But I want everyone to know that I don't need a thank you. It was a privilege to be there for his last moments and as hard as it is, I would do it all day every day.

Everyone deserves someone ❤️

Thank you for doing this for this man, being caring to someone in there last moments is one of the most compassionate things.
Everyday life has a habit of repeating itself and I should imagine it feels jarring against the profoundly human experience of witnessing death.
Give yourself the opportunity to grieve for this person that you only knew in their final moments. Let yourself cry and feel the sadness or whatever comes up for you.

Honestly thank you for all the kind words.
I've woken up today, done my hair and make up, taken the bits to the charity shop that have taken up my whole garage for months. I'm going to do some housework, go to work and remember that not every day is a bad day and today is a good one. Xx

You sound overwhelmed and its no surprise. I'd like to echo what other posters have said but also add this: make a list of every single thing that you derive joy / pleasure from. Start small : so perhaps listening to your favourite piece of music or feeding the ducks. Get bigger to things like - a night at the theatre or a comedy club. Then build this into your life every day. Like brushing your teeth.
One of the things that gives me joy is reading posts in here (particularly Mumsnet classics which are often eye wateringly funny!).