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Really sad situation with DM

22 replies

Crumblinginside · 01/11/2021 22:13

I've posted a while ago under a different name. Basically my mother has never really warmed to me. She has criticised and put me down all my life. I've managed to do well. I keep myself to myself. Have degrees and steady job and dc and happy marriage.

But she will only see my faults. Tells me everyone else is doing really well (e.g someone who got a job in a nursery on minimum wage which is wonderful but I have a 23 year senior career with children and she never mentions it or changes the subject if I talk about it)

My graduation- she got sick so my father had to take her out. My hen party she went to a&e with constipation (she was in her late 50s) so dad was stressing me and ringing.
When I had my first dc she said she forgave me for all - I literally have never done anything anything wrong.

But something snapped a few years ago when she screamed at my dh over something he said. There's drama every single day. She makes up stories eg my brother is on cocaine. Weeks of crying. Then it's not true. Something else.

Last week it was that my brother and wife were visiting and how much they hate her. She's greedy. Racist horrible comments. I took out my laptop and ignored her.

She started crying. Left shouting and being rude. I can't deal with it anymore.

But the guilt is too much. We are not on speaking terms. My father plays along with everything. My brothers text that I'm selfish. One of them has never visited me once yet his kids are dumped here most weekends .

I can't see a way out. She's told everyone how bad I am. I don't know what she has said to them but it won't be pretty.

OP posts:
Aliveandkicking23 · 01/11/2021 22:20

Go no contact it can't be any worse.
Think of yourself and your DH and children.
She sounds a horrible woman.

TopCatsTopHat · 01/11/2021 22:20

You aren't allowed to reject your ill treatment!
Think I'd rather take the accusations off being selfish than show up for the same old punishment forever.
The family dynamic is clearly unhealthy no-one outside of the family would think you teaching your limit with this was unreasonable. But while you feel guilty that's hard for you to sit with and accept. You need perspective and unshakeable permission from within your own self that this step is the inevitable conclusion to the years of mistreatment you've had.
Read up on FOG (fear obligation guilt) cycle is you haven't already. And meanwhile don't get drawn back in until you have got help and support to find your own truth and live by it. Some counselling would probably be helpful.

Crumblinginside · 01/11/2021 22:25

Other things that have happened include a family member having an accident. When they actually got out of hospital I wasn't told. As a one off I would get that it was an oversight but it wasn't. It was about control.

They deliberately don't tell me things that matter. If my child does well at school I get told to stop doing work or he will get bored or bullied for doing well.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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TopCatsTopHat · 01/11/2021 22:27

You know this is crap. You just haven't emotionally detached from their vitriol. Which of course is easier said than done.
Your actions are valid. You just need to work out how to get your feelings to match that fact. God luck, sounds like it's about time you were free of this!

ssd · 01/11/2021 22:35

They are never going to be what you want, or need. And thats not your fault. It says everything about them and nothing about you.

IAmTheLovechildOfYvesAndIsabel · 01/11/2021 22:45

Hi, if you haven't already checked out the "stately homes" thread then I really encourage you to. Sadly, you'll find lots of experiences that you'll be able to identify with. But there is so much support there and you really deserve that. I'm truly sorry that you've gone through so much with your mum, OP.
IMHO I think going no contact sounds like the best way to protect yourself and your DH and children from further heartache. I know from personal experience that admitting to yourself that your parents are not going to wake up tomorrow and realise how their narcissistic behaviour has hurt you is very difficult but it is unlikely to happen.
You sound like you have made a real success of your life and that's frankly amazing given all that you've been through.
It's time to really celebrate those wins and cut out anyone who doesn't treat you well.

Gilead · 01/11/2021 22:53

My mother has told people in the past that I’m a compulsive liar, hoarder, dirty, will sleep with absolutely anyone for attention, can’t make or maintain relationships,I’m addicted to drugs, I’m an alcoholic, the list is endless and not a word of it is true. I’m quiet, worked in the same ( good) job for 25 years, have decent qualifications, children, house etc. I’ve never done drugs and I don’t drink.
I walked away some 15 -20 years ago, it was the best decision. I hear she still does it, I don’t care. Anybody who matters knows it’s nonsense. I owe her nothing.
I do know how this goes though. Up until about 20 I wanted her to love me, I settled for like me until about 30. Between 30 and 40 I hoped she’d respect me. Nothing, Nada. And then she started on my children, my foot went down so fast that there should be a hole in the time space continuum!

Dogdramas · 01/11/2021 22:53

I’m sorry to read this OP. You describe my own DM exactly. After years of FOG and always (and failing) to try to please her, I went on the stately homes thread, read up on grey rock techniques and how to go v low contact.

I know my mother bitches about me behind my back (because she bitches about everyone else to me) but now I don’t tell her anything which she can use against me. The only complaint she has is that I don’t phone her enough, see her enough, admire her enough but I can live with that.

Crumblinginside · 01/11/2021 22:53

She literally didn't buy sanitary towels for me as a teen.
She couldn't care less about me. Told me I was boring while she's rude and loud and spiteful about everyone Sad
I went to university and studied my backside off and I'm not the brightest. I was in middle sets for everything but I got my A Levels despite all.

Went to four different universities.
I don't want praise.
But if I was my mum I would be beaming with happiness not cutting me down at every opportunity.

Its made me a good mum. I make every effort to not let this legacy pass on.

OP posts:
Crumblinginside · 01/11/2021 22:59

Gilead my mum often came into my room and said 'oh the smell of alcohol' and I wasn't even drinking. Once she screamed as I was drinking all day I was at the flipping library trying to get my A Levels.

I remember sobbing and sobbing with hurt. My father took me for a McDonald's milkshake and told me to move away as far as I could.
He used to be so much more empathetic and caring. Now he joins in with her.

OP posts:
bestcattoyintheworld · 01/11/2021 23:31

You need to jettison her before you end up looking after her in her old age. Run for the hills and don't look back.

HollowTalk · 01/11/2021 23:34

She sounds really awful. Why are you looking after your brother's children?

AntiHop · 01/11/2021 23:35

You will feel so much better if you go no contact. Focus on your dh and your own children.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 01/11/2021 23:37

I would back right away from the lot of them. And be out next time the kids are dumped on you. Find a counsellor who will help you work through all this.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/11/2021 23:38

Honestly, you don't need this from anyone, let alone your own mother! Cut her off, go NC. Stop allowing your brother to dump his kids on you. In fact cut the whole lot of them out of your life.

You have your DH and your children. Hopefully you have your DH's family. And I'm sure you have good friends. In other words, you have people you love who love you back and who value you for who you are. You don't need any more than that.

Crumblinginside · 01/11/2021 23:38

She brings them here as she wants them so she collects them from his ex wife.

But she isn't fit to mind them. So she sits on the sofa bitching about everyone and drinking tea. Even if its not his weekend to have them she asks for them. Then says stuff like they are 'wired to the moon' (she's not able for their activity levels) and says they'd starve and be dead only for her Hmm

OP posts:
whitehorsesdonotlie · 01/11/2021 23:38

You poor love. You sound great; she sounds insane. Go NC, do your own thing, and make your own happy life.

easilydistracted01 · 01/11/2021 23:40

This sounds a lot like my DM actually so I am sorry you are going through this. It took me a long time to come to terms with it but the Stately Homes thread mentioned above was incredibly helpful.

I'd completely agree with everything that @Dogdramas suggests. Keep your distance and don't give her anything that she can feed off.

whattodo2019 · 01/11/2021 23:42

@Crumblinginside

She literally didn't buy sanitary towels for me as a teen. She couldn't care less about me. Told me I was boring while she's rude and loud and spiteful about everyone Sad I went to university and studied my backside off and I'm not the brightest. I was in middle sets for everything but I got my A Levels despite all.

Went to four different universities.
I don't want praise.
But if I was my mum I would be beaming with happiness not cutting me down at every opportunity.

Its made me a good mum. I make every effort to not let this legacy pass on.

You sound sooo lovely. Please stop feeling guilty. Just stop messaging and contacting the members of your family who are so difficult and focus on yourself and your family. With time you will feel so much better. Don't think of them negatively, try to simply not think about them at all.......
justasking111 · 01/11/2021 23:55

I've been where you are. Please go NC best thing I ever did. My siblings also did. Be a good mum and friend have a great life

Annonnimoouse42 · 02/11/2021 00:13

And then she started on my children, my foot went down so fast that there should be a hole in the time space continuum!

yep. same happened with me.

orangeautumnleaves · 02/11/2021 11:53

This is so sad, I feel so bad for you having a mum like this. Get away from her, go back to your fathers advice when you were younger... emotionally take yourself far away! You and your family deserve so much better than this.

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