Don’t want to be a prisoner to vanity anymore

[Morethanskindeep]

I’m so fed up with worrying about my how I look and being displeased with my appearance. As a nearly 50 year old women I had hoped I’d have grown out of all this superficial bullshit and vanity by now and be all zen about it but sadly I still find myself hating mirrors and finding fault in my appearance on a daily basis. I think lockdown has confounded things as there has been so much more time to dwell.

I often shop for clothes and products that I think are going to ‘fix me’ rather than buying a piece of clothing or face cream for the pleasure of enjoying its shape, colour, texture or fragrance.

I know in my heart life is too short and yet when I become introspective I fear people (particularly friends) will start to find me an abhorrent embarrassment as the years creep on and my face and waistline take a nosedive. I really want to start focusing outwards on more interesting stuff but it’s hard to let go and be nonchalant about ageing when we live in such a looks / youth obsessed society. I’ve stopped using social media and that has helped a lot but I feel I’ve still got a way to go to free myself. I’m looking for tips and support. I want to make peace with myself and my body in my rapidly approaching middle age. If you’ve thrown of the shackles of ‘vanity’ how did you do it?

Given that human beings have cared about their outward appearance, and adorned themselves to display status, and to attract others, for thousands of years, I’d say it probably isn’t in the least superficial … Vanity has undoubtedly been crucial to the continuation of civilisation! (If it hadn’t been for Zoom I might well have gradually given up most of my morning routine over lockdowns - and then my face might have been eaten by whatever lurks in carpets and light fittings …)

Reframe the urge to ‘fix’ yourself as a continuing adventure in discovering new aspects of yourself - why would you ever want to give that up while you’re still breathing?

I think @EdmontinaDancesWithOphelia has a point - it should be more about challenging your own about what your appearance means to you.

It's possible to care about what you look like in an interesting and creative way that focuses more on expressing who you are, rather than fixating on 'fixing' it so it adheres to society's expectations.

Rather than trying not to focus on it, try taking some risks with it - get the haircut you've always fancied, but been scared of. Get the tattoo. Spend too much on something that you know you'll really enjoy. Commission a piece of jewellery (if you've got the cashola).

It's not vanity to enjoy your appearance - As long as you're pleasing yourself and not trying to please others - it's freeing.

I get it though - I'm the same age and my body is changing... expanding waistlines, sagging jawlines etc. It's tempting to dwell on it all and before you know it you permanently feel like you're swimming against the tide. It's a one way train though, so it's up to you whether or not you have a fun ride.

EDIT: *challenging your own PERSPECTIVE

I am a lot less bothered about looks now than when I was younger. I retrained in a job I love in my early 50s this I think has helped as my focus is in this not myself. Also I realised that I dont care about what other people look like I judge them on who they are iyswim so I presume others are the same.
I mean really think about all the people you see and know every day do you really care what they look like? As long as they are clean etc. It truly does not matter.

Thank you so much everyone - really good insights here. Thinking about it, I want do want to have fun with my appearance and have the confidence to say sod it and wear what I want for pleasure rather than wearing things to conform. I’m a size 18 and I do find clothes by Gudrun Sjoden an absolute joy visually and very comfortable. I try to get myself a item or two in the sales each season. I’m aware that a lot of my issues come from a labour of confidence and waiver between wanting to make a statement and to blending into the background hoping not to be noticed. I had my third child very late (47) which was a bit of a shock ( lovely gorgeous toddler but of course I have my hands full ) and I have an elderly mum who I care for. I guess my appearance takes up a lot of mental energy but I find myself with little time to implement changes.

@Morethanskindeep between caring duties and moving into your 50s, it's really tricky to keep your spark, and not feel dragged down, so give yourself a break. Peri-menopause / menopause really does factor into how we feel about ourselves - it's so hard to keep a handle on your feelings when your hormones are nosediving.

It sounds like your very conscious about what others think of you and are preoccupied by how people perceive you, perhaps assuming the worst - is that a new thing?

Having a couple of women you admire can help to visualise your goals - you don't have to know them personally, and it doesn't have to be entirely visual... eg can you think of any women who strike you as confident, self-possessed, or perhaps have a style/demeanor you find attractive? A little inspiration can go a long way!

No matter how much effort you make there will always be someone (yourself mainly) to find fault. How much time and energy are you prepared to spend on your appearance knowing you will still probably not be happy with how you look. Life is way to short and an epitaph which referenced your appearance would probably not reflect a life well lived. Surrender to imperfect reality and say fuck it, you're a human being of value not a decoration.

My top tip would be to have fewer mirrors in your house, you can't sabotage your own confidence 100 times a day by thinking you look awful every time you catch a glimpse of yourself in the hall mirror. This can also lead you to walking the dog with hair sticking up all over the place 😁