I’ve (f35) had a toxic relationship with my brother (m33) most of my life. He’s a user and will only get in contact with his family when he needs money or a favour. He’s been hand fed most of his life and needs money and lifts from my mum and stepdad all the time. He’s only nice if he needs you. He’s in court soon for drug charges he’s just overall not a good person. He has no contact with our dad or young son either.
In the past he’s spat in my face, been physical with me e.g shoving me and pinning me up against the wall, stole from me. When I moved out the house I never really had contact with him the few times I have it’s been awful. We’ve had some big arguments where he’s got in my face and swore at me called me a slut in front of my young son. Most of the time it’s just put downs or just being down right insulting to me. My mum (f59) and stepdad (m53) have never pulled him up and his behaviour towards me and it has always been downplayed. They say I am being too sensitive and I should ‘rise above it’.
It’s my mums 60th this weekend. She’s having people over for tea in the afternoon. The thought of having to spend an afternoon with my brother is making me feel extremely anxious and physically sick. After my last confrontation I vowed to myself to cut him out my life for good. My mum was upset that I said I didn’t want to go. She and my stepdad have made me feel very guilty and told me she’s just going to cancel her plans. I said I’d come before tea and I’d see her at the weekend as we’re going away for her birthday but she’s still said she’s cancelling. When I try and explain why she doesn’t want to hear it. She hates me saying anything bad about my brother so now I’m the bad guy, the unreasonable awkward one and her birthday plans ruined because of me. I really don’t know what to do. If I go and my brother does say something to me I will stick up for myself and it probably will cause an argument. My brother also won’t go if I bring my partner because he’s a police officer. I said I’d go even though it’s going to make me feel uncomfortable and she said that she’d feel on edge now so she’s not bothering.
I don’t know what to do? Am I in the wrong? How do I handle this situation? Any advice would be much appreciated.
tl;dr - I want to avoid my toxic brother at my mums 60th but she has fallen out with me for suggesting that I won’t be coming