Help - 10 year old threatening suicide

[PanicCat]

I don’t know which thread to post in. I’m at my wits end and don’t know what to do. I’m a long time user but name changed. If someone can signpost me where to go to get help I’d appreciate it.

My 10 year old DC is a nightmare to live with and deal with. I don’t know where we’ve gone wrong.

Family life is stable and no traumas she has been through, it’s me, DH (her Dad) and DS at home. We both work full time, she has a loving extended family, lots of friends, wants for nothing.

She does exceptionally well at school, they always say what a delight she is. Academically she got exceeding expectations or whatever the top box is in every area in her last report and we are always being told how exceptional she is. She is also sporty, runs for a local club and is in a swimming team and trains twice a week. We limit sporting stuff to four times a week so she has at least one full chill day at weekends and two evenings after school with nothing on.

Everyone says what a delight she is. Other parents have said oh you are so lucky. Yet at home she is making our lives a misery.

She screams and shouts, nothing is good enough, getting her ready to go out is impossible. She screams and cries that she hates her life. This morning as her preferred pants weren’t washed she threw all her others out the bedroom window and locked herself in the bathroom screaming she hated us all. She frequently threatens to kill herself. She has tried to run away before (and took 4 year old DS with her, fortunately they didn’t even make it to the nearest main road but the intent was there).

She has huge issues around clothes and her hair and if she can’t find an outfit will refuse to go out. In order to find a pair of school shoes we ordered about £1000 worth online (having exhausted local shops), she chose a pair, wore them twice (others sent back) and then decided she hated the look of them and threw them in the bin (£50 shoes - we are comfortable financially but can’t waste money, they were retrieved and cleaned up but she is refusing to wear them now and has been wearing DM style boots to school instead!).

I asked the school if it was normal for her to behave like this at home and what we could do and was told that she is one of the best children and if only they had a school full of children like her their life would be easy and that we don’t know what difficult is. My GP said oh it’s normal for children to have temper tantrums and make threats but they don’t see what she is like.

I’m exhausted and broken over this. I don’t know what to do or who to speak to.

Thank you @MagicalFish that gives me a lot of hope. I can’t bear her saying she wishes she was dead or wants to kill herself. I just want her to be happy!

Big red flags for ADHD or ASD (or both). A great school performance doesn't negate any of those especially in girls. This is why many slip through the cracks because the stereotype are of hyperactive boys who do poorly in class.

I got near-perfect grades in all subjects in school and had afternoon sports & activities four days out of five. I didn't have anger issues but I had a huge amount of anxiety/phobia which stemmed from undiagnosed ADHD. I saw therapists in my second-last year of school and several during uni but none of those picked it up.

ADHD brains work best with a certain level of stimulation which differs depending on the individual. It could be coffee, music, driving, video games, talking etc. Exercise is a big one and 1 hour of sport is proven to reduce ADD symptoms for around 4 hours. Looking back, a lot of my school activities were roundabout attempts to self-regulate ADHD. I loved activities that gave me the feeling of hyperfocus, sports calmed me down as well and I did great in class because of the dopamine rush of getting the best grade.

The thing about shoes could also be ADHD not just ASD. There's a thing called choice paralysis in ADD where people struggle massively making decisions and need to see or try all the options. When online shopping I NEED to scroll through every single product even if there are hundreds. I also have weird quirks with food where I cannot eat certain apples or oranges from a bag which don't look "perfect" (nothing ED related, it's feels more like OCD and I've had this my entire life).

Note that ADHD affects 7% of the population and ASD affects 1-2%. There is a significant overlap of symptoms so definitely worth getting a thorough evaluation.

I hear you. We haven't had those words yet but I suspect it won't be long. He tells us he hates us, we hate him, he hates himself, we would have been happier without him. He hasn't heard any of that sort of stuff from us. It absolutely breaks my heart and I'm so worried about him.