Anyone else struggle to make their life how how they want it?

[Horriblehalloween]

Just that really!

For example I wish we were the type of family doing something fun for Halloween but instead it’s just a normal Sunday and DH is reluctantly taking the children out trick or treating after tea.

Where do people find the energy for all of this? For anything but the bare minimum?

Your children aren’t missing out on anything, OP! As long as they are having fun in the moment, it’s all good. Their happiness and enjoyment doesn’t have to be linked to what anyone else is doing or not doing. The best celebrations/occasions/trips/moments we’ve had with our kids have been the simplest ones to be honest, sometimes the spontaneous ones, rather than all-singing all-dancing. Eg the whole class party = overwhelming for all and not really that much actual fun for the birthday child; small surprise birthday tea at home with close pals and balloons = brilliant and memorable. It’s about how things make you feel, not the paraphernalia as dictated by someone else.

I cba with this shite, I never have been. Eldest is 13, youngest is 5.

Halloween movie, crafts and baking is all I can manage. My area doesn’t “do” t/t-ing thank fuck.

You are being way to hard on yourself OP.

I do go all out for Halloween because I love it but next week at Bonfire night it will be just a normal night because I hate fireworks so I won't make any effort and will probably feel a bit guilty when my kids tell me that their friends had bonfires and fireworks etc. but I won't let myself get down about it because I don't have the energy to go all out for every single thing. So I pick a few to focus on and plan well in advance and the rest I just half arse.

You definitely need to drop the guilt. It doesn't need to be all out. But if you feel left out or like you'd like to be doing those things then I agree that planning it for next year is a good motivation. Or if you don't want to do that or think you'll forget etc by the time it comes around what about just looking ahead to the next thing, say fireworks night or Christmas for example. Start planning some things to do for those events and if it's fun then you can always carry it on to the next one. If it's not fun, then don't do it and hang the guilt.

You are probably really good at something that people who are really into parties etc might not be. It's all relative and you can't be everything all at once.

That said I definitely relate to the how does anyone have the energy for anything except the minimum feeling! Agree that being low on money can suck this energy away. But for me it's also related to my crap organisational skills. I have ADHD but for anyone who organising, timekeeping etc doesn't come naturally it's all a bit oh, oh, wait, look what XYZ have done! I could have done that but it's too late now.

What I did one year was actually put deadlines in my calendar for various events to give myself a reminder. For me it's not only the effort it's also the fact that they come up so quick and it's not on my radar until it's pretty much over.

I might do that again actually. Set up recurring notifications once a year.

Go for low effort stuff if you don't enjoy it. We always go to a firework display every year. Halloween is plastic bought lantern pumpkins and sweets. Christmas a carol concert and Christmas lights switch-on with stalls. You don't have to be doing lots of stuff yourself.

You’ve done loads more than me this year OP. We put the kids to bed early (they were totally knackered to be fair) and skipped the whole thing. We ate a load of sweets today and went for a big walk to see all the Halloween decorations outside houses before dinner. Kids were happy, we were happy, who cares what everyone else is up to.

Hang on, your DC carved pumpkins, attended a party and are out trick or treating, and you’re thinking that’s not enough?

Hmmm I just don't 'buy' into these special events. Oh look its Halloween...eh so what? Same with Xmas, different religion we sonr celebrate it so my family doesn't either including my parents.

The only we do is get together at xmas but we don't do Xmas meal etc.

Rather spend my money and time on moments that are more meaningful

It doesn’t feel like enough, no. I feel like I should have been the one throwing a party.

I’m definitely a Christmas person. The way I feel now applies to my whole life though not just this one thing. I need to put more effort into everything but I’m just exhausted!

I feel much better after reading everyone’s replies though, so thank you.

@Horriblehalloween

It doesn’t feel like enough, no. I feel like I should have been the one throwing a party.

I’m definitely a Christmas person. The way I feel now applies to my whole life though not just this one thing. I need to put more effort into everything but I’m just exhausted!

I feel much better after reading everyone’s replies though, so thank you.

Not everything. Just things that you're actually bring you joy(yes I know how that sounds) or get you excited,or if you can get it through the kids.

I have never hosted a Halloween party (no space) but we've been to plenty. DD has been just as excited and happy if not more because different setting and no stressed mum running around like a blue arsed fly trying to get everything sorted.

@Horriblehalloween you are doing loads.

I think I really needed to hear this. We've done plenty for Halloween this year but the kids wanted us to decorate the front of the house and we didn't because it still looks like a building site from work that's recently been done on the house and it was just too much effort. I've said we'll do it next year but I'm not sure we will. They've just gone asleep now after an evening of trick or treating followed by baths with Halloween bath bombs. I've now got a pile of ironing to do that should've been done earlier. They're back at school tomorrow and their uniforms aren't ready, well actually nothing is ready and I'm too tired to bother now.

It's not real, its for social media. We didn't have any of this in the 80's and 90's cause no one was show boating. Without SM none of this would happen, its all for likes. I had a wonderful childhood and didn't do anything fancy but I was loved and listened to and felt secure at home. That's what matters.

Get off social media.

It really is that simple.

It’s funny how it’s almost always women doing this stuff. Recently I have stopped bothering - my DH is now laying on fun but in his own way: last-minute, using stuff cobbled together from around the house. He doesn’t buy special things or plan much in advance. It’s fine, kids don’t notice the difference and I am less stressed.

But you’re right about only managing the bare minimum. I have more kids than I really have energy for so I am constantly saying no/I’m too tired etc etc.

I’m guilty of thinking that next year will be better but there’s only so many next years isn’t there
Exactly this. I read we only get 18 summers with our children and I'm thinking about this more and more now as our summer holiday abroad got cancelled this year, and last year’s did too. So they have to count.

Ive always had a dedicated kitchen cupboard for seasonal things. Our Easter, Christmas, Halloween etc decorations are all put in there and added to. Each year i just open the cupboard. It is all there.

I also plan the fun things to do. You cannot just expect them to happen. My fb page follows lots of different places that have events. We attend lots of those events. Thats not me planning and hosting events. This weekend we have attended three halloween parties, one each day, because i follow the local pages on fb. Minimum effort from me but the kids have had a great weekend.

Why did you not go trick or treating with them?

@Horriblehalloween I think they’ve done plenty by the sound of it! To me all the decorating / parties is the boring part. The exciting part is the trick or treating!
They get to meet people who live nearby, get some sweets and walk about in the dark (something we wouldn’t usually do with young kids).
Don’t beat yourself up about it!

Yes they’ve carved a pumpkin, gone to a party and are now out trick or treating which feels like enough to me but I know we could have done more and I feel bad about that.

@Horriblehalloween that sounds like loads and a really fun day to me! What more could you have done?

I know what you mean about feeling you are doing the minimum on everything and you would ideally be doing more. (This is very common with undiagnosed ADHD BTW - of course it can have loads of other causes) if you feel like this about lots of things it might be useful to list them all down? That might help you to prioritise and decide which ones are actually worth spending any left over energy you do have on!

For example (my list)

I want to have family dinners
I want to do crafts with my toddler
I want to arrange more playdates
I want to paint the wall in DS2&3's bedroom
I want to make a little rocket for the other wall
I want to sell the outgrown clothes
I want to write a blog
I want to clean more effectively
I want to declutter the house
I want to go to the local parent/toddler group on Fridays
I want to remember family birthdays
I want to order family photos

(I am not even a quarter of the way through the list)

Clearly I can't possibly do all of those things at once. I only have finite energy and time and my organisation fails will work against me. But if I constantly spend energy feeling bad that I'm not doing all of these things then no improvement will ever get done! What can help is keeping a master list of all the thimgs that you would like to improve and then picking three to work on. If something new comes up you want to do, add it to the master list.

(Advice I'm not currently following... oops! I will get back to it.)

What your children did was enough.

I think some people are just naturally good at organising and I do agree about party in the blood. I’m like that.

My Mother had a professional theatrical background, taught us costume making and she was most definitely extremely sociable. We were dressing up at home for Halloween back in the 1970’s and also in the local carnival. I made costumes for amateur theatre productions.

We bought our house with a view to entertain, DS was the only teen whose parents didn’t mind him having parties. We used to have a shrove Tuesday pancake party, I made 100 pancakes one year. Last party was NYE 2019.

I don’t have social media.

I agree some people seem to love doing this kind of thing. I did when I was a younger adult and hosted large Christmas days with fancy decorations and very fancy food. I haven't got the energy today. Working, keeping the house reasonable and getting through life seems hard enough these days.