Do parents tell their sons about the early years?

[TaraR2020]

I've been wondering about this for a while.

Time and time again I hear about marriages struggling during the early years of child rearing. Obviously the struggle occurs in happy and healthy marriages too, but I read so many posts on these forums about husbands and partners who have unreasonable expectations of their wives and girlfriends.

You know what I mean...expecting sex and spontaneity etc while the woman is left with the majority- if not all - of the "drudge" work.

I'm not suggesting it's a parental responsibility to educate grown men about how tough these years can be and all the women I know with sons are raising lovely, kind boys.

But I wonder if when their younger - in their teens maybe - if parents never explain that no one is going to feel much like regular sex when they've been cooking, cleaning and chasing around after young children (and perhaps their husband) for days on end without relief.

Not knowing how navigate these issues is unfair to the man too, because they end up feeling neglected and rejected when it's the neglect of the woman* that seems to be the problem.

*(Obviously, I know there are wonderfully supportive husbands and partners who do more than their fair share, and partnerships where the traditional roles are reversed.
I'm also not trying to exclude lgbt+ relationships from this but I tend to only hear about these issues in male/female partnerships where the traditional gender roles are at play.)

Interested in others' thoughts on this?

Yes. Mine get told about this stuff.
Woe betide my DS if he doesn't grow up to take an equal part in housework and childcare (if he has them).

I agree with those that say role modelling is the most important thing. You can be superwoman at home but a side effect is you're teaching your DC it is mum's job to do it all.

I see where Stanleyville is coming from, I can't personally take a step back from the drudgery bc if I do no-one eats, nothing gets done, and the house looks like a tip after 24 hours.

I'll try and talk to the dc about not leaving it all to the womenfolk but in terms of role modelling, I really don't know what the answer is in our house.

@Leavisite no, I'm not. I don't think these people are unusual at all, I'm talking within the context of all the many threads on this site of people who have the opposite experience. I'm also pointing out that the number of people who don't have supportive, equal partnerships still seems to be so much higher than it should be

You seem to be focusing on sex and saying that we should prepare boys/men to have months without it. Sure that can happen but everyone’s different. My sex drive was back to normal within weeks of giving birth. For other women it may be different but that’s for them to navigate as a couple at the time. It doesn’t require input from the couples parents! What an odd post.

I was raised by a total martyr who was a SAHM because my Dad 'didn't want a wife that worked', did everything around the house and taught my brother and I that women should do everything because men 'work'.

Now I have never been one for doing what I'm told so this is not reflective of my life now with DH, where we are complete equals in life and thankfully MIL raised her boys to think this way (or else DH would have to have found a different wife).

I remember once staying at my Mums house and she served DH significantly more food than me (because Men need more food as they work - I mean I also work and at that time was heavily pregnant) - DH swapped our plates around, the look on my Mums face was priceless.

My brother took all of my Mums advice on board and his poor wife has a shit life frankly bit IMO she is an idiot because she puts up with it. Their son is being raised the same.

My son is 8 and is already fully aware (in an age appropriate way) of how some men see women as nothing but slaves and he finds this mind boggling ('but the women have the babies, thats hard work, the men should be looking after them' - thats my boy).

I agree with the general point, although modelling it is obviously better than just talking.

DFil walked out on DMIL when DH was very small and DMIL was always very open with DH that he found it challenging to go from being the main focus of her attention. Not so DH would think badly of his dad - he loved him but acknowledged his flaws - but DMIL made it clear to DH, gently, from day 1, that when you become a parent the baby is the main priority. To the extent DH has said he’s actually found it less hard than he thought, because he thought he’d be on the sidelines, and I’ve pointed out he’s doing a 50% share with me on the drudgery so of course he doesn’t feel left out! DD clamours for him just as much as me because she sees us as equals. We’re a team

I think it's a really good subject to discuss with your teenage children (son or daughter), and definitely a better time to discuss it than when they are already in adult relationships that they are already heavily emotionally invested in and also when they make take what you are saying as direct criticism of their behaviour or choice of partner.

@DDUW

Do parents really discuss things like their children having children?

Yes of course!

Although it’s never occurred to me to discuss with them how much sex they may get at different phases of their life

But I have brought them up to be emotionally intelligent, caring people who have a strong sense of what is fair and how to share their part of any burden.

I can’t imagine having a conversation like this with my sons (or daughters if I had them).

I don’t see why it would be needed? Once babies come along I would hope that the house would know their partner or spouse well enough to have an honest conversation.

I would hope I am bringing them up to enthusiastically contribute to family life when the time comes.

I don't agree with all of your post. I think doing has more of an impact than talking. I think modeling a good and healthy relationship for either your son or daughter is very important. My dh grew up in a very traditional setup with a sahm and very rigid dynamics BUT he could not be more of the opposite to what was modeled to him. I also think it comes down to the person, you settle for a useless partner so that's what you get. No one just wakes up one day being completely useless and uncaring, people just choose to ignore in a partner that until it becomes a problem for them. I have a dd, dh and I are both equally responsible for providing a good example of what boundaries, healthy relationships and responsibilities are. I do think your post is somewhat sexist. There is no way I'm discussing with her how much sex to have, but I'm hoping that her seeing how dh treats me gives her a good example of what a boundary is.

Massive cultural variation in this area.

@Meruem I was more just using that as an easy example

Really enjoying reading these replies!

@Leavisite

What a strange, sexist post. Have you considered talking to your daughters, and telling them to only have children with men who do an equal share of the ‘cooking, cleaning and running around after children’?

How is it sexist? She's asking specifically about men. That's allowed. It's not ageist to ask something about young people, or anti-Semitic to ask about non-Jewish people.

I didn't address the issue of sex in the early days but with adult children even though I have quite an open relationship where we can discuss most things it isn't something I would go into details about. I would think it would come under teaching about general consent in teenage years. And again teaching emotional awareness in friendships, noticing what the other person's needs are. Teaching empathy and communication.

No teen wants to discuss sex with their parents. Chatting about safe sex, porn etc is awkward enough.

The best thing that Dads can do is model a fair contribution. I see too many posts where mum says her partner/husband can't cook, use a washing machine etc and that's raising the odds of the next generation repeating that imo.

Also it's worth Dads talking to other Dads. If they know a new dad then talking to them about reality (how many dirty nappies?) is going to set a realistic tone.

Women can also try and be realistic about their partner. A man who does no housework before a baby is unlikely to start doing his fair share. Over time he may learn but who can be arsed patiently waiting and training when you have a newborn? Lots of posts on here about dad not helping with child one but the couple have a second or third and things (not surprisingly) being any different.