FIL is dying, how do I support DH

[yellowflowersintherain]

My husband's father became ill very unexpectedly about a week ago. Things deteriorated quickly, he was moved to intensive care and they've now been told he probably isn't going to make it. He's relatively young, only mid 60s.

DH has gone back to be with his mum. He has no siblings. The in laws live a four hour drive from us. I'm at home with our two DC who are too young to properly understand what is going on although the eldest knows her grandad is very poorly in hospital (eldest is in year 1, youngest at nursery).

Has anyone been in this situation? I don't know how to support DH. I've told him he can stay with his mum as long as he needs to and I'll take care of everything here. I wasn't sure if I should go up to be with him but I don't want to alarm my eldest (although my mum could look after the kids for a couple of nights if needs be). Just not sure what to say/do, feel completely helpless.

Just to add I do work but I reckon they'd let me take a couple of days of annual leave at short notice in a situation like this.

Does DH need practical help? If not I’d stay put with the kids and provide what emotional support you can from there, and if he’s preoccupied send a food shop to keep him and his mum going. Once FIL passes you may then need to lean on your mum to help with the funeral or similar.

Does DH need practical help?

Not really to be honest. I've offered to help him keep people updated so he doesn't have to be in charge of letting all their friends know what's happened, but obviously I can do that from here.

Good point on the funeral, I am not really thinking straight about how long this is all going to last. There will be a lot to sort out won't there.

Really sorry to read this. We have sadly been through this twice in the last year with DH's parents. One sudden death and then one terminal illness lasting a number of months. I mostly did the supportive role from home to keep things going there, keeping things as normal as possible, looking after the children, making sure we had enough food in etc. I carried on work more or less as normal, would have been able to formally ask for emergency carer's leave at work (we have no family local to help, so definitely consider asking your mum if you need to as that would have been really helpful for me) but in fact my boss was lovely and allowed me to work very flexibly so that I could be home as soon as I could after the DCs got home from school (they are older than yours).
After his first parent's death (the sudden one) DH stayed for 3 weeks with his surviving parent as they were in complete shock and needed someone with them. And to travel home and then back again for the funeral made no sense with the length of the journey (the DCs and I did not go as it had to be held under Covid restrictions so only a handful of people allowed there, & no wake). He was then back up and down over the rest of that parent's life (sometimes we went too and sometimes he went on his own - it's a long journey, 5-6 hours). If he went on his own I carried on as normally as possible at home for the DCs and had my manager's support to ask for flexibility if I needed it.
DH has been the executor for both of his parents' wills and that is what has taken masses of his time especially since his second parent died. All the phone calls and the forms to fill in. And just sorting out the practicalities, what to do with possessions, clothes etc. After the sudden death his surviving parent would have struggled to do any of this themselves so DH led on it/helped his parent to sort when they felt able.
Don't underestimate the emotional toll on you from keeping things together for the DCs and your home whilst dealing with all the emotions over very serious illness & death, I was emotionally worn out and really exhausted while still trying to hold the support together for DH and family

@timtam23 thank you so much for your thoughtful post and apologies for taking a while to reply.

I am so sorry you had to go through this twice in a year, how awful.

You have really helped me to think things through and work out a semi plan. I'm going to explain things to my boss tomorrow, she is generally very kind so hopefully will agree to some flexible working. I've also decided I'm going to save my leave for the funeral and my mum can come down then to look after the kids (I know some people do have kids at funerals but I think we will decide not to take them since they are so young).

Hope you're doing ok now, it really is a horrible experience. Life can be very cruel sometimes.

Good luck @yellowflowersintherain. I have complete sympathy for you and your DH, it's such a hard time. I said the very same as you to my DH about spending as much time with his parent as he needed & wanted. I didn't want any of us to look back afterwards and have regrets. And although we continued into another bereavement, we do both look back now and are glad that we all did what we did. DH has a sibling who helped, and his parents were very elderly so the situations were more "expected" for us. But it was still a tough time, and I felt hugely responsible for the smooth running of the rest of our lives without burdening DH with any more worries. Look after yourself and I hope your discussions go well at work today.

Short answer, ask him.

All I needed when my Mum was dying was for my DP to listen while I ranted, whinged about how crap it all was. I didn't want any practical help, I wanted to get on with stuff myself, keep busy as it distracted me from sitting around waiting.

My partner on the other hand didn't want to be wandering round Sainsburys etc while her Mum was dying, so I sorted out food shops (obvs online in your case) and dealt with whatever I could for her.

We all process this differently, the best thing you can do for your partner is communicate, ask them what they need.

Just be there for him when he needs you.

We had this a few years ago with MIL. Unfortunately she was 5,000 miles away so we had to drop everything and fly out with a 7 month old.

I did practical things. I cooked, I did laundry etc so everyone else could focus on MIL. I made sure they didn’t really need to think about anything it was all just done.

Im so sorry you’re going through this. It’s awful. MIL was 4 weeks exactly from diagnosis to her death, she was only 68.