All of a sudden I feel like a bloody failure

[graduallygettingbetter]

Background: I'm a LP, 2 children, just came out of an abusive relationship. Totally see that I have had my boundaries set so low with this relationship and previous relationships. Learning from it, taking time out for myself and my children. About to start the freedom programme. There are positives, I'm in a decent job, working towards a professional qualification and have my own home. Not much money but we get by.

Had a conversation with a friend recently and they are in a fairly new relationship. They suffered some pretty shit relationships too. They remarked that if we had both not put up with the crap we have that we'd probably be married to descent men now.

I've thought about it and it's kind of made me feel like a failure. I was feeling pretty good, you know, got myself out of an horrendous situation and happy not to be walking on eggshells but this comment has really made me feel like I've failed. Funnily enough it was wanting marriage and the happy family that kept me in some shit relationships for far too long.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say but just wanted to let my thoughts and feelings out.

You are not a failure, your partner was for not wanting to change his behaviour.
You can't change the past, but your future is going to be a lot happier and brighter. Look to your future stay happy and take each day as it comes. X

Thank you for your kind words. I really don't know what the aim of the thread was last night. I think I just had a wobbly because of a conversation with a friend. Like a realisation that the trajectory of my life would have been so different/better if I'd of chosen different partners.

I realise in the cold light of day, I could have still had the same life path with different partners. And yes, it is not my fault if someone else is abusive.

I’ve had a lifetime of shitty relationships - with few exceptions.

Sure, if I’d had stronger boundaries I might not have had them - but I’m the other side now, divorced and with two wonderful (on occasion!) children.

I don’t place my worth on my relationship status.

Interestingly, I’ve been through the WA programs and we still keep in touch. The group is split 50:50 - those who are “doing it all again” and those of us who think “phew! Lucky escape never again”.

Fwiw, if you’ve got any honest friends in relationships they’d probably tell you it’s not all rainbows and glitter-shitting unicorns.

You are not a failure. You got out of an abusive relationship. You are working towards a good, solid future and are looking after your children.

There are so many what if we can ask ourselves. I have wondered where in the world I would be if my dyslexia has been diagnosed earlier and I has been give support

The reality is i would have likely gone to university and if that was the case I would have not moved to the UK and met dh and then my children wouldn't exist.

I think stuff happens to lead us to the path we are meant to be on and you it sounds like its time for you to have a wide smooth and pretty path after the windy dark one.

Hope this makes sense

Well done on getting out of the abusive relationship. Lisa is right about not being able to change the past. I've felt similarly, blaming myself for staying in an abusive relationship- but ultimately I can't change it and anyone can end up in an abusive relationship, please try not to judge yourself for having gone through that. In therapy I was told that maybe my feelings of shame etc were actually covering up for deep sadness, which was almost too overwhelming to address.

I've worked on accepting the sadness, while trying to acknowledge that I can't change the past and have to live in present. I hope you can go back to feeling happy that you've left and are in control of your own future.

Your friend would probably feel awful if she realised her words had had that affect on you, it's fine for her to ruminate about what might have been but I suppose sort of risky in that the issues are so personal for both of you and you'll have different ways of coping with what you've been through. Best wishes

Your friend would probably feel awful if she realised her words had had that affect on you, it's fine for her to ruminate about what might have been but I suppose sort of risky in that the issues are so personal for both of you and you'll have different ways of coping with what you've been through. Best wishes

This is exactly what I think I was trying to get at. My friends experience is different to mine and her coping mechanisms are different. I was just happy to be free of my blast partner and not even thinking about another relationship. She obviously places more importance on her relationship status. And that's okay.

*last partner