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Original poster

Declining dinner party invitation without ending friendship?

78 replies

A580Hojas · 30/10/2021 21:03

Oh no, we (dh and I) have been invited to dinner and we don't want to go, although I would like to stay in touch/not offend the woman of the couple.

Unfortunately we haven't been given a date, just a " let us know when you are free in the next 6 weeks" type thing.

WWYD?

OP posts:
FigureofEight · 30/10/2021 23:15

@A580Hojas

Bickering within the other two couples. Stand up row between dh and one of the women on something they strongly disagree on. Not sure why someone thinks the bickering is between the men.

Can I say "thank you for the invite but it's just not something we want to do" or would that spell the end of my relationship with the woman? I guess it would so I suppose we're going to have to do it!

You say that, I'd say that relationship is pretty much shot to pieces. Maybe it should be- I'm not sure you like them much ..
justasking111 · 30/10/2021 23:23

@Leavisite

Perhaps the hosts enjoy watching you all fighting?
Yes we had friends parents like this the wife was lovely but the husband would bait others he was a nasty bastard. When his wife left him for another woman we weren't surprised.

Be honest about the dynamics you don't need the drama

longtompot · 30/10/2021 23:27

Was the bickering between your dh and the woman who is inviting you, or one of the other women? If it's one of the other women you could say given how things were last time I'm not sure it would be the best idea given last time they were in a room together? Maybe just dinner the four of us? But if it was with the host, then a 'ever so sorry but we are fully booked until the new year' might do.

PegasusReturns · 30/10/2021 23:33

“Sorry Amy, but DH and Beth really don’t get on and after the drama last time I think it’s best if we don’t.

Would love to see you and Charlie at ours for supper though”

That should work.

Luckingfovely · 30/10/2021 23:48

What @PegasusReturns said. Simple, honest, effective.

Kite22 · 30/10/2021 23:58

I think we've had dinner in or out with these two other couples seven or either times now. There's been a lot of bickering and some stand up rows. My dh and one of the wives can't stand each other really. I find one of the other husbands very tricky.

I can't understand why you are even asking the question after this reveal.

Just say
"Look, it clearly isn't working as a couples thing, why don't we 3 just go for a girls' night sometime soon?"
I mean, it isn't going to come as a surprise.
Just because 3 of you have become friendly doesn't mean the 6 of you are going to gel.

greedygut · 31/10/2021 00:05

Thank you but i / we have decided to cut down on socialising as it's not really our thing

EdgeOfTheSky · 31/10/2021 08:22

To the woman, when you 3 women next meet for a coffee “LOL I’m not letting DH out in public after last time, go ahead with the dinner party without us, it’s impossible to find a date that suits everyone anyway”

Or just say “Look, to be honest, after last time it’s obvious that there is friction between DH and Xx so you’d have a more relaxed night without throwing us into the mix “

Whatever the provocation your DH is part of the problem if he had an actual stand up row with another guest at someone’s dinner! So use him as the excuse.

traka · 31/10/2021 08:33

Be honest

Say your friendship works better without DH involved and just see her

The six of you together sounds like a bad idea

SmileyClare · 31/10/2021 08:41

Just go without your husband? Make a date and he can find an excuse nearer the time.

The main issue is the stand up row between dh and another woman Were you all really pissed? The main problem seems to be your husband!

Regardless of how strongly he feels about something political, If he can't be adult enough to respect the atmosphere and other guests and leave heated debates for another time, he's the problem.

wildseas · 31/10/2021 08:42

«I love that you’ve still invited DH after his behaviour last time but I’m not bringing him to something like this again for about another 20 years! I’d love to come on my own though and I can do x y and z dates»

OhMyfanwy · 31/10/2021 08:51

@wildseas

«I love that you’ve still invited DH after his behaviour last time but I’m not bringing him to something like this again for about another 20 years! I’d love to come on my own though and I can do x y and z dates»
Bloody hell 🙄
PaulaTrilloe · 31/10/2021 09:08

It might be free entertainment for some. How cringe! We were once at a regional food event in a local restaurant. We were noticed by 2 couples we vaguely know who were sitting at a larger table. One of women suggested afterwards that it would be nice for us to join them to attend at the next event as 6 on the same table.
DH is pretty reserved I can go with the flow.
It was a nightmare the woman D who invited us was clearly trying to extricate them from the other couple and hand them over to us for the future. Other woman X didn't say a word and just ate silently. Her partner Y was very argumentative and arrogant trying to goad DH on topics that would demonstrate Y's superiority. DH mentioned that Y ask my opinion instead as I am very knowledgeable on that particular subject doing it as my job.
Had a few wines at this point so I jokingly explained to Y I could give him my professional opinion but I'd have to invoice him for my after dinner speaking fee. X made an audible gasp and Y went ballistic raising his voice in a restaurant in front of other diners. D told me off for being provocative but didn't say the same of Y which I felt was unequal treatment. S, D's DH seemed to have a schadenfreude moment and hadn't spoken much either
It was a Karpmann drama triangle situation. They all wanted to go for a drink at the pub after to continue the evening. We managed to extricate ourselves by legging it onto a tram whilst the 2 couples dithered working out what pub they wanted to go to. I particularly liked how my DH waved at them from the moving tram. Bullet dodged very strange dynamic between those 4!

TedMullins · 31/10/2021 09:16

Just be honest! “Last time we all met up there was a lot of arguing and we’re not sure we want to go through that again - why don’t you and I have a coffee/drink/dinner on our own sometime instead”

SausageSizzle · 31/10/2021 09:49

If you don't mind lying, you could say that you and your DH are having some relationship issues right now so you'd prefer to keep meet-ups to the three women.

Since 'relationship issues' covers a multitude of sins, technically you may not even be lying. Has your DH been stealing the duvet lately or leaving dishes in the sink?

longwayoff · 31/10/2021 09:56

Busy until after Christmas. Don't mention your relationship, that will just invite questions. Don't mention the others relationships ditto. Least said etc.

SmileyClare · 31/10/2021 10:03

If they're neighbours or school friends you don't want to make things awkward by avoiding a social get together.

Why not just go to the dinner but agree a damage limitation plan with dh beforehand?

-limit your alcohol ( in my experience, dinner parties descend into chaos/ heated arguments when everyone's pissed and their drink fuelled ego takes over)

-dh can offer an olive branch to Stand up Row Wife and agree early in not to discuss Brexit/the new housing plans for your town or whatever*

  • accept that some general "bickering" or debate is fine for a dinner party. There's really no need to fight to the death over political views. It's quite tedious for everyone to listen to.

-leave early

*Disclaimer; If the political views of some of your group are unacceptable, intolerant and offensive to you then you need to decide whether you want to socialise with this group at all.

legosunqueen · 31/10/2021 10:08

Which woman did your DH row with - was it the hosting wife?

MadeForThis · 31/10/2021 10:10

Your DH is undergoing allergy diagnostic testing and can't eat out?????

Kite22 · 31/10/2021 10:28

I don't understand why anyone is suggesting lying, or 'pretending' you aren't available for one reason or another. ConfusedAll 6 of them were there at the last disaster.
It is perfectly clear to everyone except, it seems the host doing the inviting that the 6 of you together don't make for a pleasant, relaxing evening. Just point that out, and say you'd love to still meet up just the 3 or you though if the other two still want to.

DampSquidGames · 31/10/2021 10:34

Could you suggest a get together with the non rowing couple or a ladies night instead?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 31/10/2021 10:44

God if they are a nightmare just don't respond.

Cocogreen · 31/10/2021 10:45

Seems crazy that after a quite a few disasters with personality clashes this woman is trying to push for another night out!
I'd just say you find it more relaxing just having a girls night and it's easier re babysitting.

SmileyClare · 31/10/2021 10:53

I don't see why people are suggesting lying or "pretending"

I agree, it's just insulting the host's intelligence to come up with a far fetched lie that excuses you for the next six weeks.

It's possible some of the couples will decline anyway, particularly the woman who dh had a "stand up row" with over some political issue? How embarrassing for both parties, I hope they both apologised to their hosts!

There's no reason to repeat that debacle. It takes two to argue, just don't get drawn into a debate. I'm sure your dh is able to control himself for a couple of hours.

thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear · 31/10/2021 11:05

Just be honest! “Last time we all met up there was a lot of arguing and we’re not sure we want to go through that again - why don’t you and I have a coffee/drink/dinner on our own sometime instead”

This is perfect.