My daughter is terribly anxious i dont know what to do!

[Makinganewthinghappen]

I have a 12 year old daughter who has always been a little anxious (even as a toddler she had the worst separation anxiety!).

Two of her older siblings are autistic and one especially has had some problems with being anxious but im really starting to get concerned that my 12 year old doesnt seem to be improving as she gets older in fact i would say its getting worse.

All of our children are home educated but up until the last year my 12 year old has been ok attending groups where you meet up with other people and she was going out regularly. She has never massively enjoyed these meet ups and doesnt really enjoy socialising but she wasn’t upset going.She used to go 3 times a week to karate and seemed to enjoy it.

The last year or so its gradually got that she doesnt want to go to any groups or meetups. She has refused to go to karate for months now. All of the anxieties are about doing things “wrong”.

Shes afraid of pressing the button on the dishwasher in case it goes wrong she is terrified of going to new places.

I hadnt realised quite how bad it was until today when she had an opticians (she is pretty short sighted) appointment and she cried and curled up in a ball on the chair.

I have no idea what to do. I dont know if there is any chance she could also be autistic i know that does often present as anxiety like this in girls.

Is there any chance this is an age thing? She has been having her periods about a year ow so im guessing she is still a little hormonal but this seems excessive.

Would seeing a gp be appropriate at this point?

Im pretty sure she will cry and curl up in a ball at the gp as well so its s little worrying.

From a selfish point of view im feeling like il doing something massively wrong as a parent at this point.

@Makinganewthinghappen

I have a 12 year old daughter who has always been a little anxious (even as a toddler she had the worst separation anxiety!).

Two of her older siblings are autistic and one especially has had some problems with being anxious but im really starting to get concerned that my 12 year old doesnt seem to be improving as she gets older in fact i would say its getting worse.

All of our children are home educated but up until the last year my 12 year old has been ok attending groups where you meet up with other people and she was going out regularly. She has never massively enjoyed these meet ups and doesnt really enjoy socialising but she wasn’t upset going.She used to go 3 times a week to karate and seemed to enjoy it.

The last year or so its gradually got that she doesnt want to go to any groups or meetups. She has refused to go to karate for months now. All of the anxieties are about doing things “wrong”.

Shes afraid of pressing the button on the dishwasher in case it goes wrong she is terrified of going to new places.

I hadnt realised quite how bad it was until today when she had an opticians (she is pretty short sighted) appointment and she cried and curled up in a ball on the chair.

I have no idea what to do. I dont know if there is any chance she could also be autistic i know that does often present as anxiety like this in girls.

Is there any chance this is an age thing? She has been having her periods about a year ow so im guessing she is still a little hormonal but this seems excessive.

Would seeing a gp be appropriate at this point?

Im pretty sure she will cry and curl up in a ball at the gp as well so its s little worrying.

From a selfish point of view im feeling like il doing something massively wrong as a parent at this point.

That sounds like a really tough situation. I'd say that it's worth a GP visit. I hope everything works out ok

I dont know if there is any chance she could also be autistic i know that does often present as anxiety like this in girls.

Obviously I can't diagnose her but my autism was fobbed off as anxiety, OCD and an attachment disorder for years. I went to the GP, I was referred for therapy and I even had an assessment for ASD through my local adult autism team and each time, I was told it was something else because I'm "high functioning" (those terms are no longer used). It wasn't until I really researched it and advocated for myself that I was diagnosed in my 30s.

Sorry for the big paragraph... basically, yes, autism can present as anxiety. A bit part of my anxiety is that I'm terrified of doing something wrong and being laughed at.

*Big part, sorry

Have you read up on autistic presentation in girls? It may help you feel more confident in asking for referral so you don't get fobbed off like the PP.

Autism can present very much as anxiety, and especially with the rule/getting things wrong and fear of new places I would consider getting her assessed. How you do this depends on where you are. I think for many people GP is a good start, although ours wasn't interested and told us to self-refer.

However, parallel to that you can address the anxiety whether she is autistic or not. Break things down into steps, find small wins, and give her an "out". Name it as anxiety, and educate her about how it's her brain and chemicals in her body activating to protect her, but they've gone into overdrive. Teach her to separate the physical sensations of the adrenaline surge from the thoughts. This can be really hard for someone who's autistic, but it can still be useful. Teach her to interrogate her worries and recognise when she is catastrophising, think of a few "what if"s etc, when she is relaxed and more receptive. Don't try to avoid talking about them. They are probably already looming huge in her mind, and you reaching out is far more likely to help than to hinder.

As you know, a diagnosis doesn't really solve much in itself. You still have an anxious child to deal with either way, so you may as well buy some books about anxiety and crack on. I'm sorry not to be able to offer more, maybe there is more help available somewhere. Personally we are just muddling through as best we can.

Amused bush its funny you should say that the only reason she could give me she was so upset today was that she thought the optician was judging her because she couldnt see the eye chart !

Sounds like my 12 Yr old daughter :( I hadn't even considered this

Sounds like it is affecting her often and having a big impact. I'd certainly be trying to seek some expertise whether it be autism diagnosis and support or counselling, that's no way to live. 😔

Yes it could be autism. Sounds like me tbh and I was diagnosed as an adult. I was outraged when I was told at 11 that I needed glasses because it totally felt like I was being told I wasn't good enough at seeing 🤦🏻

Fear of making mistakes still affects me now and can be debilitating. It is probably worth a chat with the GP. As a PP said, whether it's autism or not, you have an anxious child on your hands either way and she could do with some support for that.

www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/diagnosticservices

These are particularly good for female presentation if you want to pursue a private route for speed or if gp not helpful.

It does sound like some of the ways that autism presents in females. One of the things that made me think it could be was her coping mechanism of curling up into a ball and crying. That doesn't sound to me like a typical 12 year old reaction to am event, and not a totally typical anxiety reaction for a chil. However the curling up is suggestive of a self soothing sensory based reaction - curling up into a ball means someone is exerting deep pressure on themselves, and then the crying is an emotional response yes but also can be a self soothing mechanism as your DD making her own noise then blocks our noise around her that she doesn't like.

These two things may be purely anxiety driven and her coping mechanisms for that , but the explanations I've given could also be explanations as to why they're behaviours during an Autism meltdown situation.

Have a little look at the book called ‘helping your child with fears and worries’ really good book with excellent ways to help her. Good luck!