I feel too old to build a career from scratch

[Dbakl]

I am 42. I was a SAHM for about ten years. The last few years I also studied and retrained into a health care role. At the end of it I got the job I wanted, 4 days a week. Yay for me.

I have been in the job for a year. I have just started a Masters course that should help me specialise. I asked for support from my trust but didn’t get any. They said it wasn’t required for my current role, which is fair enough. I was happy to go ahead independently.

But after another sleepless night stressing about it I am regretting it. I feel like it’s too late to build a career, those around me won’t be looking at me as a bright young thing who is going places. I should be happy to have got back into paid employment at all. I don’t think I have the head space for the masters, kids are pre teens, and needing just as much as ever, DH is brilliant but has just taken a major step up career wise himself so is going to be less available than I’ve got used to him being while I started my new job.

Oh yeah, we got a puppy a year ago too, he has been great but all of our newbie dog owner mistakes are starting to show.

And I can feel the menopause looming, it’s all too much. Why am I pushing myself? It doesn’t feel like it’s going to be worth it, no one is going to be interested in my progression.

What do YOU want? Doesn't matter whether the world sees you as a bright young thing or not, but it does matter whether it's bringing you satisfaction or much needed funds or independence. Most people don't actually think that much about other people's careers, and when they do, many of those are impressed by those making a change in their late 30s and beyond, it's not easy to do.

If you are enjoying it, I'd argue that 42 is still relatively young in career terms, you've got over 20 years until retirement, and if you pull back now, your DCs will still be needing things in coming years, your DH will still be charging ahead with his career - the best time is probably now.

Or if you're actually very happy with 4 days a week and having more time to see your family, that's great too.

You've got 20+ years of work ahead of you, that's a very long time to sit in a job you don't enjoy because it's supposedly "too late". You're only about half way through your working life, it's not too late.

The only real issue with not being a bright young thing without commitments is you can at that point relocate easily for career progression. I did this in my twenties and moved 250 miles.

If you are enjoying studying then of course carry on. At some point those dc do not need dropping off at clubs and picking up from friends houses.

"Why am I pushing myself?"

Well, there's the question.

I have a post grad in my work subject and I am not convinced it led to increased earnings. It wasn't something I wanted to do for any other reason. I could have continued to full masters but chose not to.

At 45 with family stuff, peri etc there is no way I'd take on anything that didn't show a profit pretty much immediately.

I have no time, money or energy to invest unless there's a real financial benefit.

I do know a lot of people who push themselves to do more because they think they ought to, or they think they will regret it if they don't. I don't plan my life around stuff that I might regret later if I don't do it....I find it a bit odd.

Anyway, if it's 20 years of increased earnings, that probably is enough motivation, if you would really see a benefit.

I do enjoy my job. I think I jumped into the next thing too soon because I feel the pressure of ‘catching up’, on time lost to pre kid fecklessness and then time out with the kids.

I don’t know if I’m enjoying the masters. The subject is interesting but I am struggling to give it the time it needs, just in terms of making it a priority in my life, which is leading to stress about getting the work done.

OP "I think I jumped into the next thing too soon because I feel the pressure of ‘catching up"

Sorry if I am asking too many questions

Is there an element of societal judgement here? A friend recently asked me "what next for you career wise". She is a person who likes to be busy 24/7.

She was amazed when I said I was happy to just keep earning and no more career progress for me. If I lose my job, I have to look for another, sure. But I am not looking for a more senior post. Then she asked if I would do more study, nope. And formal study is expensive.

Is a masters the best way to get career progression in your field? I ask as I retrained at 40 in healthcare and am managing to progress well but have found that other specialist training has been very beneficial. I considered a masters but in comparison to the training I’ve done I don’t think it would have made the same difference

You've got 25 years of work ahead of you.
I wasn't a sahm but trained into a new career and was part time and trailing from 37 to 55. In addition to 0.5 I studied for a ( non essential) doctorate in my field and, in retrospect, it's been great for my career or at least my CV. Employers definitely saw me differently even if I didn't. Now ft in promoted post - still have ten years if I choose to work that long.
If you enjoy the masters then keep at it. Carve out chunks (Saturday mornings for reading, ling weekend -unpaid study leave even- for an essay). Take it one week at a time. Build a network of similar minded women
Outsource the puppy training, household stuff, whatever.

At the age of 50 my cousin did a science degree and is now a radiographer.

I changed career at 40. Took several professional exams, had 3 year old then baby at 42. Had good career progression - several promotions, started own company. My mother started work again at 40. My aunt took over her late husband's business at 55! Many careers want people with life experience not 'bright young things.'

Just go for it. You're not even half way through your working life yet. You've got another 25 + years to go maybe. ( The Queen is 95 and starting to take it easier! 50 + years older than you. It's work that has kept her young, and healthy - mentally and physically, I'm sure. Like her mother.) Some of the most active, hardworking people I know are in their 70s. You're a baby by comparison.

In 5+ years dc will be teens, finding their feet in life and increasingly want to do their own thing. You need to be a good role model for them, teaching them independence, someone they can look to for advice, not telling them to give up on aspirations so young.

@jeannie46
That’s such a motivating post!!
Thank you

Well, there's never going to be a better time to do it! Yes you could leave it until the puppy & kids are a bit older, but there's always something!

I'm 52, with THE most awful brain fog. It's beyond ridiculous. I'm an accountant, but it's not what I'm currently employed as and tbh, don't think I'm
Up to it right now. Will I ever lose the brain fog? Fuck knows.

I didn't do my masters in the U.K., so I'm
not sure what the payments are like here. Have mmmmm you paid up front? If not when is the next payment due?

Do you want to do a Masters, or do you want career progression? They're not necessarily the same thing!

Are you doing it for YOU or for what others think of you?

Can you afford to 'buy in' some help cleaner/someone who'll collect the kids from school, make dinner, do a bit if laundry?

Do you even want to?

Are there ways in which DH could be more supportive, step up more?

Sorry you’ve hit a rough patch, OP. Starting out in a new career in advanced middle age, I’ve had similar doubts. But I think of Louise Bourgeois and keep pushing on, however ineptly.

It would be good to have your thread on the new ‘Mature Study and Retraining’ board - it’s tremendously relevant for so many people. Would you care to ask MNHQ (via the Report button) to move it there?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mature_students

OP, I'm the same age as you and can completely empathise.

No advice, but I'm laughing at the idea of working for another 25 years - not a hope!

Yep, very much hoping not to be working for another 25 years! The job I have now is pretty physical, I can’t imagine doing it into my 60s. But then again if I want to keep working but do something related I will probably need a further qualification! So back round to the beginning…

I’m so very tired, awake from 3am this morning. And had a tutorial yesterday where I realised that the small amount of writing I had squeezed out is all wrong. So demoralised, and panicking in the wee hours.

I don’t know. It all should be achievable, but it doesn’t feel it at the moment.

You could be working for another 30 years. That’s plenty of time to progress. And it’s not all about progression anyway. It’s about fulfilment, doing something valuable that stimulates you and makes you feel happy. If you have a very physical job I would be looking at a path to transition into something less physical in the next 10-15 years.

"So demoralised, and panicking in the wee hours. "

So...my questions still stand. What are your options?

Are you doing the MA part time?

I’m not sure what my options are. I have asked about deferring, but like someone said, waiting another year may not make any difference. I could quit I guess. I paid a deposit towards the fees before I started, and have received the first part of a masters loan which would cover next payment for fees which comes out in a couple of weeks. I don’t know where I would stand with all of that.

@EdmontinaTiresofNameFlipping

Are you doing the MA part time?

Yes. Like I said, it should all be perfectly achievable.

Okay … Not something I would usually ask, at all, but, assuming you’ve talked this over with your husband - does he think you can keep going? I only ask because he knows you better than we do - and it’s really hard to tell whether you’re having a bad week or need to stop. (I wouldn’t be interested in his opinion if you’d indicated he was unsupportive or useless.)

Also, is his new career move currently disrupting you in any way?

If I were to ask you ‘What one thing would make studying easier?’ - what would you say?

I’m sorry this is all questions! I’m reluctant to offer advice when I’m not certain of the size of your wobble …

(I took an MA later in life than you, and had my share of worries, academic and existential, but I was head over heels in love with the subject, so that made a difference during all the months I thought I would fail.)

One thought - are you on top of medical stuff; hormones, iron, thyroid etc? It would be a shame to give up and then discover that some mild chemical tweaking would have made a difference.

Actually, my last point may be the most important …

Sounds like you might be able to afford to drop to three days or less, financially. I found 0.5 over three days a good compromise with kids and DH unavailable for much during the week.
I know people scoff at working til 67 or whatever were up to now, and I probably did when I was early forties with young children. But... Unless you've been v focused or v lucky it perfectly possible to find you need to.
I could retire now tbh. DH earns well and I have a public sector pension. But kids are older teens and off to university. The economy is on its arse and I can imagine wanting to help them in ways my parents couldn't help me. And the freedom of being able to take a stretch role now after twenty years of being the contact parent is quite liberating. A little bit of me would love daily yoga and Pilates but being an older parent it just doesn't sit right with me yet.
Maybe talk to your tutor - it's easy to underestimate your talents. And to overestimate other people's. And don't worry too much about age discrimination especially in public sector.
And yy to checking out hormones. Good luck in whatever you choose

@Nix32

OP, I'm the same age as you and can completely empathise.

No advice, but I'm laughing at the idea of working for another 25 years - not a hope!

To laugh at working to retirement age either shows a lot of privilege or a lot of denial.

For most people, it's unaffordable to stop work with decades ahead to fund - and with people living longer For someone who works 22-32, then takes 10 years out of the workforce with kids then works part time 42-55, it's under 20 equivalent years of working for probably more years in retirement. Private pensions will reflect this in terms of payout, most people's savings will dry up far before then, and the state pension is already small and likely to shrink in coming years, as is care provision.

It may be you're one of the lucky people who will be financially fine. If so, you shouldn't laugh. If you're one of the many people who won't be fine but still have ideas based on your own parents' retirement, it's worth looking at retirement planning.

Hi OP, sounds like you've got a lot on your plate - it's no wonder you're questioning what you've taken on. What stuck out to me was that you mentioned menopause was looming, is there any chance you could be perimenopausal? One of my symptoms was anxiety and exhaustion - I got my bloods done and since taking hrt I feel so much better. It could be that which is contributing to your crisis of confidence. I blamed other things at the time, job, children ect. Worth going to your gp to get it checked out as it does make a difference.

I'd also suggest perhaps a routine with assigning everyone in the family jobs to take some tasks off your plate.

A masters won't last forever - it'll be tough but if you can power through it will benefit you for years after. You can do this! (And somewhere deep down you know you can which is why you signed up )