WWYD? - Estranged Fathers funeral

[McFarts]

I have this morning been informed that my birth father has passed away. I never met him, he left my mother when i was just a few months old. I don't know much about their relationship, but i believe there was domestic abuse. My birth father never tried to contact me at all, although i have had some very limited contact with his brother, my uncle (who text me this morning, with this news).

I now feel a really mixed bag of emotions, i don't feel regret of not meeting him. I know this may well sound very selfish! but my Mum went on to marry her childhood sweet heart and i have lived a live full of love, i have wanted for nothing really, no gaps have needed to be filled in my life, no feelings of something missing ect, hence when i was given the choice to meet my birth father, i decided against it. Now however, i think id like to attend his funeral just to pay my respects, although i have some apprehensions. He lived a 5 hour drive away, i have 3 DC and my DH's business is beyond busy atm! plus i would not tell any of my extended family that i was going, because i think it would upset them, so i also couldn't ask them to help out with childcare. I'm also scared id possibly not be made welcome because i didn't bother with my birth father, would his family feel i shouldn't be there? I honestly don't know what to bloody do.

So oh wise mumnetters, WWYD?

You chose not to meet him before its death, isnt it quite disrespectful to his remaining family to want to be involved now. Have you been invited?

Does all if his birth family know about you? Do you have siblings on his side?

I apparently have a cousin out there somewhere her father might be dying no-one knows where she is her mom left and he never fought to keep her in his life she was in love with someone else and he just let her go my nan never forgave him but now he might be dying she would be coming up to fifty ive never even met her but if she shows up at his funeral she would be welcome

Honestly, I find it odd that you didn’t want to know him while he was alive but want to attend his funeral to pay your respects. If I was part of his family I don’t think I’d be welcoming you with open arms at the funeral.

Could you ask your uncle if it is being streamed or recorded (many funerals are due to covid) and watch that instead? Or ask him for a copy of the order of service? Or send flowers as a mark of respect?

I think i should possibly add that their was other children, my birth father was married (and divorced) 3 times and had 4 other children. We are all aware of each other but he didn't raise any of these children beyond the first few months of our lives. Although i suspect he had some significant mental health problems. His family i believe will have all been aware i existed because he was married to my mother and i apparently met my extended family. I will add that other than one uncle none of them actually tried to have and contact with me either.

I guess the reason i feel i should attend his funeral, is closure rather than respect.

I think it’s one of those situations where no one can tell you what to do, and you only get one shot at getting this right…I alway think you’re better to regret having done something than regret not doing it when there’s no way back

I think you should go if you want to. I don't see why it is disrespectful. He walked out on your life after all, not the other way around.
As long as you aren't intending to 'make a scene'.

I dint understand why you want to “pay your respects”
To who? You never met him or his family and I can’t see how it would benefit anyone for you to go

Surprised posters are being harsh with you OP. Jesus. I understand why you didn’t pursue a relationship with a violent man who abandoned you and showed no interest.

I think if you want to go then go. I don’t know what you’ll do re childcare but I think it’s natural to feel the need for closure.

Maybe say to your family you feel the need for closure you want to shut the door once and for all hopefully they will understand

I think you should go - you may regret not going. What about his other children; are any of them going?

Do you know which undertaker is assisting the funeral?

You could contact them, discuss whether or not it would be possible for you to slip in the back, watch the service, leave discreetly.

Most people at a funeral are eyes front. They probably wouldn't even notice you were there. I couldn't tell you who was at my father's funeral for instance.

Thanks for all your replies, I think many of your are right, it certainly is better to regret doing something, than later regret doing nothing. Im not sure as yet if any of his other children are going. I have text my uncle back and told him that im considering going to the funeral and he was pleased to hear this. He is travelling to his home town tomorrow and will let me know as soon as arrangements have been made.