How can I politely avoid my friend?

[DukeofEarlGrey]

I recently left an utterly toxic workplace where I was being bullied for 5+ years and it destroyed my mental health. I took a long break between roles and also had counselling with a great psychotherapist (recommended by a mumsnetter!) before starting a new job a few weeks ago. Basically, I’ve worked really hard to move on from a soul-destroying experience and am really proud of myself for the progress. I love my new job and colleagues and all is going better than I could have hoped. I now see that I should have left the last role much sooner but I couldn’t see it at the time and that’s another conversation.

Anyway, I have a friend from the old place that keeps getting in touch and wants to schedule a catch up call. I like her but I genuinely feel like any contact with old colleagues or conversations about that environment really set me back at the moment. How can I avoid a call with her? I need a polite way to at least stave it off for a couple of months and it’s hard to claim that I literally have no time ever.

I hope I don’t sound ridiculous about the impact the experience had on me. It’s been huge and I’m so happy to be finally moving forwards so just need some tricks up my sleeve here.

I think you should be honest with her - if she is a real friend she’ll give you space and wait. If she gets all funny about it then you’ve not lost a friend, only a former work acquaintance. Win-win.

Ps well done for moving on. I’ve been in your position too and it’s absolutely soul crushing.

Thank you @Scautish it took me far too long to take the leap and now I look back I’m shocked at what I put up with and so relieved to be out.

I should have said in my OP that the reason I can’t be honest is because I can’t risk what I say getting back to those involved. Our industry is small and the bullies have already done what they can to sully my name. I don’t want to risk more of their shit now that I don’t even work there anymore.

If you don't think you can speak to her in confidence then she doesn't seem much of a friend?

You might be right. I pretty much lost all faith in my own judgement in that place.

Do you really want to be in touch with her? I would politely decline her invitation and say why. She must know? Just say sorry, I can’t deal with the reminder.

If you don't want to speak to her then don't. If you stick to text messages then you can consider what you write and do it in your own time. Do you think she would be looking for gossip , or for either of you to say something inflammatory? Some people enjoy criticising their workplace and look for others to join in (misery loves company!) If any of this sounds possible then it could just bring you down. Also if chatting rather than texting you could feel drawn into conversation that you're not comfortable with.

In the other hand if she's potentially a true friend then you could just say something vague about your new job going well and state that you don't want to talk about work but are happy to chat generally.

Do you feel as if you may want to see her at some point in the future? If not, I'd just stop answering her calls and texts. I know 'ghosting' isn't considered polite, but if you really fear something you say may get to ears you don't want to hear it, then I think that's your best bet.

If you feel that you do want to continue the friendship after you've have enough counseling to put things to rest in your mind, then just reply that your new job/life/family is keeping you very, very busy at the moment but you'll be in touch when things calm down.

It’s the latter I think - that she is a good person but doesn’t know how bad things got for me (she is another country) and when I told her why she was leaving she didn’t really express much sympathy or support.

I think I’ve answered my own question here...

I have been in this position and I wish I had known then how triggering and consequently damaging it was to my recovery and moving on. I think that you are 100% doing the right thing. Don’t bring up the reason (she might be fishing) just keep fading - longer and longer gaps between throwing non comital bones

“Sorry really up to my neck with new job and family stuff for the next few months”

“Sorry forgot to respond to your last text”

Etc.

Well done for moving on.

Thank you all for these replies. I’m going to go with a combination of delaying and fading for the next few months at least. I really don’t feel comfortable being open about the reason and I’ve realised that’s partly because she previously acted as though I was exaggerating as well as my concerns about anything I say getting back. Gaslighting was a huge element of the bullying and it’s taken me ages to trust my instincts again so I don’t want contact with anyone who contributed to that feeling. Which does also raise the question as to whether I consider her a real friend.

So I am going to delay with business / fade at least until Christmas time and revisit it then. A real friend would still be there a couple of months down the line imo.

@DFOD thanks for the encouragement - I’m sorry you experienced this too but really appreciate the insight.

*delay with busy-ness

Something like. Absolutely i would love to but things a mad crazy at the moment..You know how it is. Can we try to get together after Christmas/thanksgiving (where ever you feel workl as right now I simply can't see how I will fit more in.

Then obviously forget to contact her after said day

I'd delay as others have said.

Well done on getting out, I did the same a few months ago and have had to cut all ties as I didn't realise how triggering I would find it. I've felt quite stupid about it so it's good to see that I'm not being dramatic and others feel the same (though sad that others have to feel like that iyswim)