Hitting and shouting at me - 3 year old

[Staceyhannibal]

My 3.5 year old is out of control. When he is angry he hits me and shouts at me. I don’t believe in the naughty step, but when I have done it in the past he immediately comes off anyway, over and over again. I’ve tried talking to him, explaining, shouting, ignoring - I’m at the end of my tether.
His dad is very firm with him and he doesn’t behave like this with him.
I know that I’ve given in loads in the last year due to having a very stressful time, but how do I rein it back in? There is so much conflicting information out there now

What do you do when he hits you?

Would you put them in their room out of the way.
I understand you don't agree with the naughty step, but if he's not stopping when you speak to him, you need to do something.

If he hits again after one warning, one of his toys is taken away and put in a box, there and then so he has a direct consequence to his actions, a 3 years old will understand that.

What does his dad do?

If what his dad does works, then try doing the same thing.

@00100001

What do you do when he hits you?

I hold my hands up so he can’t hit me and tell him no, that’s not nice. If he carries on then I will walk away from him and tell him I do not want to stay with him whilst he is hitting me.

@Thinkbiglittleone

Would you put them in their room out of the way. I understand you don't agree with the naughty step, but if he's not stopping when you speak to him, you need to do something.

If he hits again after one warning, one of his toys is taken away and put in a box, there and then so he has a direct consequence to his actions, a 3 years old will understand that.

I have thought about that but then I worried it would make him associate his room as a bad place ?

I’ve taken toys away before but he doesn’t seem that fussed

@icedcoffees

What does his dad do?

If what his dad does works, then try doing the same thing.

He doesn’t hit his dad or shout at him. But when he misbehaves his dad gives him a warning and then puts him on the step and he will stay on the step. With me, he refuses to stay on it. Last week I put him back 20 times and by that point my back was killing from carrying him back (if I didn’t carry he he would flop to the floor, so it would be dragging him)

Have you tried redirecting his hitting?

So when he's angry you could try something like saying

"I know you're angry, but I can't let to you hit me. But you can hit this bean bag/cushion/pillow" and encourage him to get his frustration out?

Then when he's calm, tell him hitting people hurts them etc

Why is he getting so angry in the first place? Are there warning signs? For example, does he start by being defiant? Asking for something then lashing out when told no?

He needs the same boundaries from you that his dad gives him…you need to be firm or this will get worse

This sounds so difficult. I find what works with my almost three year old is stopping her hitting, I normally will hold her arms firmly and say ‘stop, I will not let you hit/throw/etc’

When calm I say something along the ‘it’s okay to be angry, it’s not okay to hit’ line. I also point out things she can hit if she needs to get the anger out I.e cuddly toys/ cushions

I also found reading lots of books about emotions helps as does loads of outdoor time and physical activity. Rough housing play before bed can be good too.

Good luck OP - it’s a challenging age but you’ll get through it