36 and I have no friends

[Randomname85]

Anyone else often find themselves realising they have no friends and wondering why it got to this point?

I’m 36 with two kids, and a great husband (thankfully). At secondary school I was bullied the whole time by almost the entire year group of girls - everyone sort of made peace in the last year but by then I had major trust issues (unsurprisingly). It killed any interest I had in further education so I didn’t go to college or uni therefore no mates there. I’ve gone from job to job making acquaintance with colleagues until my last main job where I felt I had a really solid group of friends. They were bridesmaids at my wedding, we went on holidays together, spent weekend together, always out in the evenings etc. Really felt like they were my ‘people’. Then I had kids and they almost immediately vanished, especially my ‘best’ mate who has shown me how fickle people can be (he is my daughters godfather and has met her twice - she is five in January!)

I always thought I’d make friends when my daughter started school as that’s what everyone says. We’re a term in and I appreciate that’s not much time but I can see loads of blossoming friendships around me and I’ve not got there yet. Still time of course. I’m massively introverted (until you get to know me where you can’t shut me up!) so find it really hard getting past pleasantries and small talk with new people.

Not really a question or anything, I guess just wanted to vent and see if anyone else feels the same 💜

I'm 30 and like you was horrifically bullied in high school.
I did go to college, where the bullying continued.
When I started work I thought I'd made some good friends but as soon as my mental and physical health declined and I had ti quit, I was blocked on all social media.
Now my only real friends are women I've met from here, but never actually met IRL.

I'm not exactly the same, I have a few friends but none that live close and only one with children. I don't have any mum friends at all and it's quite lonely - I worry that DS will suffer because of it.

Have you tried asking your child's friends at school to playdates? Tell the Mum they can stay for tea and cake while the kids play? That's a nice way to connect to people one on one

And I would say - I think it's mega common in this day and age to struggle to make new friends, I hear it so often and I bet other Mums at the school would love to connect with you! It's a bit like online dating though - you have to kiss a lot of frogs so if you have a playdate or something and don't feel potential friendship that's not a problem, keep going.

Im pretty much the same although I wasn't really bullied more just ignored and I did go to uni but didn't make much difference (except I did meet DH there).

My eldest is in p4 and I still haven't made mum friends. I appreciate I seem a bit stand offish though because Im quite shy.

Sometimes it bugs me but I'm mostly used to it.

I'm at the stage where my children have either grown up or are at college/uni, and I never really thought about how much harder it is to make friends once the kids got older. I had so many mum friends but once I got back to working full time they all seemingly started to disappear. They all still have some children that are much younger than mine, so they're still all at the school gates enjoying making new friendships.
I thought I'd made two really good friends at work, but since I handed my notice in so I can work closer to home they've really distanced themselves from me. I'm feeling very secluded in life and always wondered how other women were able to gain these seemingly wonderful supportive friendships. I feel most of my friendships were only surface level, and I do believe it was partly due to my lack of trusting anyone as when I've trust someone who I thought was a friend they've gone on to really hurt me. How as women do we build bonds especially in this day and age of social media and COVID?

It's really hard making friends as an adult. School is the best place to make them- you're with the same people everyday and you just stick together. Most people make friends at school or college etc. And network through those existing friends.

As an adult, people are pleasant but have their own friends already so just say bye and go about their day.

Hobbies/volunteering are probably the best ways to meet new people but I have young kids so haven't had a chance to try this out yet

There's lots of us who feel the same. Would be nice if we could all connect somehow!

I'm friendless.
Circumstances have left me sort of out of step with any particular peer group, and my best friend moved away to live a nomadic life in a van.
My own age group are child free, but I now have a teen to bring up.
I don't fit in anywhere really.

I like the arranging play dates ideas. You may click with one of the parents.

My previous friend group I made besides the mums were all ten years younger than us, so when our kids were young we really had to make the effort to find babysitters and plan nights out and in as they had no kids. Now they all have small children and never come out because they want to be home with their kids, it stings a lot as they always pressured me to find a way to get out but now they won't do the same for us. I love going to gigs and doing meals out but it's not the same without a group of friends to share those experiences with.

Personally I would stay away from making friends via your daughter. Can you join a hobby group or walking group? So you have something else to think about rather than worrying about what to say. My local walking group end the walk at the local wetherspoons and then sit in a large group afterwards and chat. All ages and fitness levels.

My photograghy group have monlthy meetings and talks. But they also set a task like take a black and white photo of a sunset. So you still have that introverted aspect task to do solo. Plus something to talk to new people about.

I also like crafts there are lots if groups that you can join. You can work on your own project but within a group and still enjoy the chatter and exchange ideas.

Whatever you do make it something you enjoy for you and if you meet a friend its a bonus.

Darningfever I got lucky with my mum friends, I’m still really good friends with them 20 years later even though our DC haven’t been friends with each other for many years.
I always seem to make friends when I join gyms to go swimming. I never lose weight but I gain a new friend.