Representing myself in family court

[Weewilliewinkie123]

Shitting myself literally.

I have a first hearing in a little over a week. C7 and C1A sent in but not heard a word from CAFCASS so ringing them today to see if they actually speak to me before then.

Got no money for anything bar a bit of advice from my solicitor so doing it with help from the Internet and advice from here mainly!!

Ex has a Solicitor.

What happens at the first hearing? What do I need to do and say? Is it doable to do this alone or am I going to crash and burn?

It’s going to be online, which I prefer, but I am really scared. I always thought I’d use a Solicitor but I just can no longer afford it.

Words of advice and encouragement welcomed from you all.

Should I try to find the money to be represented? I just want what’s best for the children

Op that's too vague for anyone to give you any answers.

Firstly why are you going to court? Is it financial, access or Is there a welfare issue. Who do the children currently reside with? What is the current access/financial arrangement.

Going to court when both you and your ex want the se thing is fine no need for a solicitor. Your ex going for full custody or its an abuse case I personally wouldn't self represent

Children live with me F/T and have done for several years.
Been DV issues and that’s why I left, there is a safeguarding concern.
Ex is going for 50/50 which my solicitor says he will never get, and I would be very surprised myself if he did!

4 children ranging 5-13, all except one of them sees him, but they don’t want to stay overnight or live with him half the time!

Right down the history in bullet points for yourself. Cafcass will do a safeguarding assessment.
You should get legal aid if there are issues of domestic violence.

I earn too much for legal aid. Literally you have to earn nothing to get awarded it which is ridiculous.

I was going to write my points down and what I would like the outcome to be? Just so I have it to hand?

Was the DV reported to the Police? Is there a non-Mol in place?

Have you spoken to Women's Aid or Rights of Women?

Yes it was reported, no there isn’t.

Unfortunately despite leaving I was caught in quite an abusive cycle and reconciled several times. I am now mid way through a divorce but it’s taken a lot of strength to get the courage to do that.

I can never, ever get through to Rights of Women

Find the money for a solicitor if you can.

If not find the money for one session with a legal advocate for advice on how to manage.

Have you contacted Citizens Advice/Women's Aid/Rights of Women? Dedicate a day from 7am and ring, ring, ring, ring. If you can't get through, redial. Their advice is often invaluable.

I'd try to get through to women's aid for some support going through this, they are brilliant.
For the hearing I'd write a brief history of the situation and what you are asking for, what decisions do you want the court to make. Focus it on what is best for your children. I doubt much will happen at the first hearing, cafcass will probably be instructed to produce a report which will involve speaking to your children to see what they want.

Focus on the best interests of the children.

If there was no domestic violence against the children, documented domestic violence, then do not verge into that area as Judges don't want to hear about that in child proceedings. Yes, that's terribly wrong, but that is the system you're dealing with. The Judge will want to see you encouraging contact, which you are at the moment. Emphasise the contact you have, that this is a stable, working agreement and the one which the children prefer to keep, and that it is in the best interests of the children that this pattern of contact continue at present. If you have safeguarding concerns, you will need to substantiate this in terms of real harm he has actually done to the children, and/or verifiable substance abuse problem etc. Vague concerns based on what he did to you will be ignored. Again, it's wrong but it is what it is.

To manage your expectations, I know of multiple DV cases where the father has significant overnight and holiday access, including one attempted murder with prison time (convicted only of assault, naturally). You may need to agree to some overnight time in order to minimise the damage of an award of even more time.

Focus entirely on the children, not yourself. I can't say this strongly enough - the Judge won't want to hear about your DV and it may even be used against you by the solcitor to imply you will not facilitate contact and that you are not the "friendly parent". Ditto CAFCASS, be wise, careful and measured in what you say, and always direct it back to best interests of the children.

Women’s Aid are shocking with their legal advice.

Make it positive. What is working now. How long for. What do the children want (once over about 10, the court really starts to listen to them). What can you provide as a safe, permanent, secure home/life.

Then why a change will be difficult. Upset, hasn’t worked before, a chance to abuse you a bit more, impossible to coparent with an abuser etc.

Yes, I had heard the courts weren’t keen on the parents experience of DV.
I was going to go down the line that this works for the children, if not for him, and that they are happy and settled with this.

However, the children did witness my DV and there have been a couple of incidents with him towards them that I have brought up, this means although they love him and want to see him they are scared of upsetting him and very worried what will happen when inevitably he gets angry. He can also be spiteful and stonewalls me, but has used it periodically against the children too.

I know he will get overnights, so I am going to suggest it remains as is, with a view to it going to one overnight every other weekend when the children are ready? I don’t think they will go unless I force them which I am loath to do.

He has also been “sporadic” with seeing them, they don’t really get much sense of routine from him, eg last time he was due to see them he just didn’t turn up, they were ready and waiting and he never came, or messaged, I assume he just forgot tbh, which is more truthful to how he is, he cannot maintain his super dad facade for very long.