How do I correct people using the wrong name?

[Szyz2020]

I changed my name by deed poll 3 years ago a couple of years after marrying my second DH. I had kept DH1’s name as it was the same as my DC, when they were old enough for it not to matter I changed to DH2’s name.

Twice in one week I have been referred to by my previous surname, once by someone who I know through DH1 and once by someone who doesn’t know DH1 at all but knows me through DH2.

I find it really annoying and irrationally upsetting. My email reflects my new name and someone has emailed me using my old name - but they are a nice person and they’ve sent me an invitation so it feels bad tempered and bad mannered to reply with a correction.

What would be a nice way to correct people when they do this without sounding like I’ve got a stick up my arse?!

Can't you just say "by the way my name is now Newsurname".

I get it the other way round, have never changed mine but people address me as Mrs DHsurname and it is hard to point it out without wanting to sound like I'm having a go.

People still refer to me as my childhood surname. I have been married for 23 years.

I hyphenated my surname with DH's & over the years people have consistently dropped half of it. I don't know why.

Give up now.

I have never changed my name. Been married for 20 years but have never used my DHs name.

I have the rage every Christmas as barely anyone gets my name right on cards.

I'm also known by my middle name, so the rest of the year the rage comes from officials using my 1st name, despite many attempts to eradicate it. And getting my surname wrong as its unusual & often confused with a similar surname.

It's a hill you will die on.

You have all made me laugh thank you!

It’s so weird. I have corrected people before but somehow asking someone to use your actual name comes across as this uptight and awkward or angry thing to say and it’s really perfectly reasonable that people get your name right isn’t it?! Particularly when it’s written correctly right there in your email address.

I wonder now how many people’s names I’ve blithely and cluelessly got wrong over the years …

Give up now is pretty well what I've done. 20+ years of every single Christmas card being addressed to Mr and Mrs DHSurname. I have never used his surname, my email, FB etc all have my surname. But still it happens.

Also the longer you let it go on for the harder it is to say anything.

I changed my name by deedpoll when I was much younger and people called me by my old name; I remember I just said 'its xyz now, thank you".
It's your name. You have every right to a) change it and b) be called by the name you choose and anyone who would be offended by you correcting them is very disrespectful imo!

People are idiots.

I still get Mrs. Moose when they know I've been long separated and divorced after a difficult abusive marriage.

Old people are worse.

Some people are missing the point here. It is one thing to be referred to by your current husband's name when you still use your maiden name. It is another thing entirely when you have changed your name to reflect the end of a difficult period in your life and/or to mean something positive anew for your future. Being referred to in your old name can bring back memories and be quite upsetting.

I agree you should keep correcting people. I would do it by thanking her for the invite and saying just to let you know I have changed my name. It isn't arsey it is factual! You could also make a point of putting your name on the back of envelopes you send with cards (those self adhesive name and address stickers) and a one line email signature sent from my iPhone Mrs A WFT.

It's not missing the point, it's agreeing that it is tricky to deal with, whatever the root of the wrong-name calling is.

Oh and I don't have a maiden name. I have a surname.

It's absolutely fine to slip in a correction.

Dear XX,

Thank you, I'd love to come to the party on Friday. Can't wait to see you and XY.

P.s I go by Szyz2020 Newsurname now.

If it happens verbally, just keep your tone light. "Oh, it's Newsurname now."

@WTF475878237NC

Some people are missing the point here. It is one thing to be referred to by your current husband's name when you still use your maiden name. It is another thing entirely when you have changed your name to reflect the end of a difficult period in your life and/or to mean something positive anew for your future. Being referred to in your old name can bring back memories and be quite upsetting.

I agree you should keep correcting people. I would do it by thanking her for the invite and saying just to let you know I have changed my name. It isn't arsey it is factual! You could also make a point of putting your name on the back of envelopes you send with cards (those self adhesive name and address stickers) and a one line email signature sent from my iPhone Mrs A WFT.

No. I reserve the right to object when people refuse to afford me the common courtesy of my own name. This is basic level manners. I don't need a traumatic past to justify a very reasonable expectation.

I don't accept being addressed by another person's family name which isn't mine. I'll let it go when people are angsty about addressing me by the title 'Dr', but 'Mrs' I will correct. Every time. It's been 15 years of marriage and some are yet to get the message. What I don't do is respond in kind by addressing them with an incorrect name and title; passive aggression is not my style and I've no desire to descend to that level of baiting.

But it has told me a thing or two about the baiters. I think this behaviour gives away certain insecurities on the part of the people indulging in it. Needless to say it's not my own friends, immediate family members or professional acquaintances who are doing this.

It doesn't happen to men. Nor is it assumed males will have a 'maiden' (ugh) name announcing their sexual status. I will therefore correct it, politely, but repeatedly if necessary.

I'm surprised this comes up as often as it does. I can't think when I've used anyone's last name to address them in god knows how long. Is everyone going around also doffing their cap?

If you can be bothered I'd correct them each time pointedly but I'd let it go.

@VladmirsPoutine

I'm surprised this comes up as often as it does. I can't think when I've used anyone's last name to address them in god knows how long. Is everyone going around also doffing their cap?

If you can be bothered I'd correct them each time pointedly but I'd let it go.

I agree Vlad : why would a 'nice person' that you know and who is sending an invitation - by email, mind - be using your surname at all? Weird.

However, yes, it's annoying to be addressed by the wrong name, and somewhat careless/thoughtless/rude on the part of person getting it wrong.

"Oh, it's Jones now" (smile) in person, or in writing/email "P.S. I go by Jones now" as a PP suggested.

Tell them and frankly, I wouldn’t be super polite about it, as they clearly know but just can’t be arsed to check/change. Drove me nuts as a kid that the teachers just couldn’t be bothered to differentiate between 2 of us with double barrelled names. I’d have a teacher shouting at me with the wrong name then I’d get told off for not reacting! Bad me!

@NearLifeExperience I mean like if my friend was called Angela Stevens, if I were to write her an Xmas card or an invite I'd write: "Merry Christmas Ange!" or "Dear Ange" etc. I can't remember last time I used anyone's last name apart from my GP the other week.

It's the envelopes for Christmas cards. Mr and Mrs DHSurname almost every time. No real way of replying either as you don't wait for a card to come and then send one back. I have tried stickers with our actual names on the backs of envelopes to no avail.

@WTF475878237NC

Some people are missing the point here. It is one thing to be referred to by your current husband's name when you still use your maiden name. It is another thing entirely when you have changed your name to reflect the end of a difficult period in your life and/or to mean something positive anew for your future. Being referred to in your old name can bring back memories and be quite upsetting.

I agree you should keep correcting people. I would do it by thanking her for the invite and saying just to let you know I have changed my name. It isn't arsey it is factual! You could also make a point of putting your name on the back of envelopes you send with cards (those self adhesive name and address stickers) and a one line email signature sent from my iPhone Mrs A WFT.

It is one thing to be referred to by your current husband's name when you still use your maiden name.

No it's not. Both are completely disrespectful. My bil deliberately sends post to dh and me using only dh's surname (he has admitted that he does know my surname). Apparently the fact I kept my own name offends him in some way. I just ignore him now. It's being going on for nearly 30 years now.

It's also annoying that we never get a card addressed to Mr and Mrs MySurname. If it was 50/50 it would be a bit more tolerable.

OchonAgusOchonOh

That's very disrespectful yes but presumably this doesn't trigger memories of being assaulted by your previous husband though does it.

@WTF475878237NC - That's very disrespectful yes but presumably this doesn't trigger memories of being assaulted by your previous husband though does it.

No it doesn't. But I would expect for most women, even if they are divorced, use of a name they shared with a previous husband is not going to trigger memories of being assaulted by their previous husband.

[quote OchonAgusOchonOh]**@WTF475878237NC* - That's very disrespectful yes but presumably this doesn't trigger memories of being assaulted by your previous husband though does it.*

No it doesn't. But I would expect for most women, even if they are divorced, use of a name they shared with a previous husband is not going to trigger memories of being assaulted by their previous husband.[/quote]
My father was highly abusive. I know about trauma and triggerings: his behaviour left me with cPTSD. And my family name is mine as much as it was his. I was born under this name, will die under it, and hopefully bring more positivity to it than he ever did. For better or worse, my name is about my history, my family connections, and my life.

I didn't 'borrow' a family name from my father any more than my brother did. And I expect that people either use my name when they address me, or don't bother to address me at all. I don't particularly care which.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks - I didn't 'borrow' a family name from my father any more than my brother did. And I expect that people either use my name when they address me, or don't bother to address me at all. I don't particularly care which.

That was exactly the point I made previously. The post that you have quoted was my response to a previous poster who seemed to think that using the wrong name was less of a problem if you were being referred to by your current husband's name when your didn't change your name on marriage and more of a problem if you were being referred to the name you used when married to a previous husband rather than your current name.

Using the wrong name once you are aware of the correct name is disrespectful, regardless of the circumstances.

In fairness, you've had three different surnames. Women should just stop going along with this patriarchal nonense of changing their names depending on who they're currently married to.