2 under 2 - how to cope with jealousy

[2under2soon]

Hello,

I'm currently 22 weeks pregnant with my second child, who is due at the end of February.

My son will be 1 1/2 when his sister will be born.

Obviously he will have limited understanding of what a sibling is at that age.

I'm worried he will just see her as an intruder, be extremely jealous and try to be nasty to her.

Of course I will never leave him alone with the baby, but I'm worried that the atmosphere in the house will just be miserable and that he will be in a foul mood all the time.

I also don't want to hurt his feelings by bringing a new baby home.

So my question is how do I make him feel secure and comfortable with having a new baby in the house?

How can I help him not feel jealous?

Would be grateful for any advice, especially from parents that already dealt with this scenario xx

Marginally less gap between my two and honestly it was fine.

The older one was so little that she took one look at her sister then continued to play and asked me for an 'ogurt'. Baby was happy in my arms and DD1 was happy running about and playing.

DD1 was always a content wee soul, so there was never an atmosphere, plus toddlers are easily distracted. Visitors made a massive fuss of her, as frankly toddlers are more fun than newborns for the majority of visitors.

To help prepare DD1, I gave her a baby doll to play with and played with it with her and we looked at very simple new baby books every night. Plus the new baby brought her a toy!

All that prep and she really didn't seem phased at all- whether that was the prep or her own temperament I'm not sure!

I had the same age gap and my son didn’t show any signs of jealousy, I think he was just too young to really understand or feel jealous. For the first few days he was a bit unsure, a bit scared of the baby crying but we just reassured him, tried to include him, get him to help me with the baby. He was pretty indifferent for the first few weeks then started to enjoy feeding the baby, bringing me nappies or a toy for the baby. I just did my best to make sure he didn’t feel ignored. Sometimes the baby would have to cry for a few seconds so I didn’t drop everything with my eldest and run to the baby but it was fine really. Mine are nearly 3 and 4.5 now and they are very close, they adore each other and have an amazing relationship. It’s lovely seeing them grow up together, there are a lot of positives to having them close in age, don’t worry.

Oh and if you are on Facebook I highly recommend a group called ‘2 under 2 uk only’ as it has lots of mums on there who have or had 2 under 2 and have lots of practical advice on how to manage

I second buying a baby doll so your son can join in with you. Also there is no harm in reading him books about a new baby coming. He might not fully understand but he might recognise bits of it when baby arrives. Finally try to carve out some time for doing things just with him. Maybe start a tradition now of doing something just the two of you that you can carry on when the baby arrives. So even if it’s reading a particular book at a set time. Then if you can work out a way to continue that when the baby arrives (feeding baby at same time for eg) that might give him a bit of continuity.

I’m pregnant with what will be a 20 month gap and honestly everyone I’ve spoken to says that a small gap (less than 2 years) helps to minimise the jealousy. Maybe they’re trying to make me feel better but the universal response from everyone is that 2.5 - 3.5 year gaps are the worst for it! So you may be pleasantly surprised.

Treat it like you’ve brought home a rabbit. Don’t expect more than a fleeting interest.

Agree totally. 17m between mine and the elder one was never jealous.

My best top tip is to teach the idea of sharing right from the get go. So toddler can’t take baby’s toy/rattle without asking first (we learned the word “swap” and DC1 would often swap said baby toy for a random tea towel or something) but it meant we never had toy snatching from a defenceless baby and they learned to share really quickly.

My son was 23 months when I had my youngest son. The novelty wore off pretty quick but there really was no jealousy at any point…. Only annoyance that sometimes I was busy with baby, upon which I was told to ‘put it down’ in the cot 🤣

20 months between mine and the older one honestly seemed completely oblivious to the baby, we didn't try anything like reading him books about the baby or getting him to help with bringing nappies etc as he really didn't understand. He was still a baby himself really I suppose. The only issue we had was that late in my pregnancy he went through a stage of sleeping really badly and he would scream for me at all hours of the night, I was completely exhausted and my husband had to spend quite a few nights sleeping in with him until he got through whatever the problem was (we never worked it out but assumed he was picking up something to do with me being pregnant).
My two have always been pretty close, luckily (both boys) no toddler vs. baby jealousy that I can remember.

My second DD is 5 weeks and I have a 20 month old. There has never been any jealousy whatsoever. My elder daughter adores her little sister and gives her kisses and cuddles and calls her "sister" it's adorable. I haven't done anything special to make it that way. I treat my elder daughter the same as I always did- lots of kisses and cuddles and attention and chats etc. A few things I do- we do activities for the big one eg pumpkin picking today with the little one in tow- it makes it fun for the big one, I have alone time with the big one eg doing bath and bedtime without her baby sister (baby sister looked after by DH or family member), I'm still bf the big one as well as the little one (not sure if this helps but I would imagine makes her feel included and secure when she sees baby sister feeding too). Other than that just normal parent stuff like kisses and cuddles and plenty of love and attention as always. Don't worry or stress too much.

I had two under two until recently. My oldest has adored his little sister since she was born. He is very gentle loving towards her. We bought him a doll which was a success. I would say we tried to prioritise him where we could and to include him. And make sure there's special time. Only time I have seen him sad was when grandparents fussed over the new baby too much. I would ask visitors to fuss over the oldest briefly before moving onto to the baby. For us, it's been very hard work but it's also been full of joy. Our son is very proud of his family. It's touching.

To echo what @timtam23 said- we had about a month of very poor sleep from our elder one. She would wake up screaming at night several times or be really clingy at bed time. I've also heard a friend with a toddler and a newborn say exactly the same so it must be common. Use it as an opportunity to make the elder one feel confident and secure by going to them immediately and giving them what they want or need (in our case she would want us to stay with her to fall asleep and comfort her with lots of cuddles). Don't worry about creating habits or going backwards- it's a phase because of the huge adjustment and will pass!

I had 4 under 4 when dc4 arrived and didn’t have too much jealousy from any of them. I involved them from the start, pregnancy & baby arriving. I tried to get them to help which they liked, help me change them (pass the clean nappy), pull funny faces at them in the bouncer that sort of thing.

I also made time for them even if it was a story when baby napped. The time when they were 12 months to 2years was tough as every game or toy was set upon by a toddler and swiftly destroyed. Dc2’s face was a picture when she met her sister for the first time in Nicu ( the photo is brilliant) however she has been an amazing sister from the moment she came home and they are inseparable now.

I had two a year apart.
Jealously is envitable! But my advice would be to get him involved. Ask him to get baby a toy while your changing her bum or a nappy. Let him play on the play mat/gym at the same time as her. Etc.

I'm fifteen months older than my next youngest sibling. I genuinely loathe him. Just saying.

Firstly, don't sweat it. It might not happen, and you're at risk of wishing it into existence if you are watching his every move for signs of jealousy. If you have a partner I would focus on making sure they are also a "go to" parent, who can run bedtime, console when upset without handing over to you, take him out for a little solo trip at the weekend. Then, just lots of cuddles from you both. Have snacks on hand while you're feeding the baby, or prepare a meal for toddler first, then feed the baby while he eats. Teaching to take turns is important, of course, but there will be tonnes of other opportunities, and feeding a newborn can take bloody ages.

Our gap was closer to 2 years but I don't recall there being many issues. Our eldest did start waking in the night more, which was torture with a newborn, but once she was reassured that Daddy would still come she seemed to settle back down.

I have the same age difference between my dds. There wasn't any jealousy, I think dd1 was too young really.

We talked about the baby a lot in the run up and repeatedly read a wordless picture book about having a new baby. Dd1 would point at the older dc in the book say it was her and the baby saying it was the new baby.

Tbh dd2 spent an awful lot of her early life in a sling while I continued dd1's normal activities.

My dds are still really close, and I don't regret having them close together at all.

I think don’t overthink it till it happens, because there’s a high chance it won’t.

I was jealous when my sister was born - it didn’t last long.