4 year old with separated parents

[Jamie7226]

I’m looking for a bit of advice to see if there is anyone in a similar situation.

I have a 4 year old little boy. I have been separated from his mum 2.5 years.

We have both moved on and now she lives with her new partner who she’s been with about a year who she moved in very quick after 4 months along with his 10 year old boy who stays on a weekend.

I have my son 4 days in a row. So I have him 4 nights in ten but as I work shifts that’s on my days off.

Me and my son have a great relationship together but recently there are times when he says he doesn’t want to come but then as soon as he’s in the car then he’s fine for 4 days.

He tells me he misses me when he’s not with me, and that he misses his mum when he’s not with her. Me ex then told me one night last week apparently was upset and wet the bed at her house because he misses her? I find it strange he’s saying that when he’s actually with her. First time he’s ever wet the bed.

He’s very happy in himself, happy at school with a glowing report, but it’s stressing me about his reluctance to come to mine sometimes to mine when it’s my days?

I don’t believe his mum is very encouraging sometimes as much as I am and I clearly don’t know what goes off behind closed doors. My view is that he’s only 4 and doesn’t always have a concept of time, and only understand basics of relationships.

He never gets upset; kicks off with me and always goes to bed etc. he is still good with his mum but naturally plays up sometimes like children do for their mum.

I think my question is, does anyone else experience this? Is the clinginess towards mum normal? Like I said, once in the car then he’s fine and doesn’t really mention her again for 4 days, but my ex sometimes is literal and thinks there something that he’s not happy with.

I am single, I live on my own so naturally there isn’t as much going off and it must be nice that He has someone to play with on a weekend.

Any advice,

Thankyou.

I know your contact pattern is relating to your work but I think 6 days without seeing you may be making it harder. Could you see him for a short visit midway between contact?

I used to have him 3 days and then one in between but my ex wasn’t happy with this and saying he was confused. So we moved it to a 4 day block. I thought he was confused because he’s 4!

I do however think 4 days in ten is good. It’s very much near enough half and half. Also I’m aware some dads have children less than this and maybe once every other weekend.

To answer your question about being clingy, yes I think that’s perfectly normal. I also think wetting the bed at the age of four isn’t uncommon; especially since he probably started school last month and is tired by now.

As you say, it’s probably nice for him to have someone else to play with at the weekend but you are his dad and have the opportunity to do fun things with him. Do you have any other family or friends with children or a similar age?

I do very ring with him and take him everywhere. He’s also got friends on the street. Which he doesn’t have at his mums

My Ds used to cry at nursey every day i left him. It was about leaving me not where he was. It didnt change till he started school.
It is probably about not wanting to leave his mum rather than not wanting to be with you.

This is a reassuring, but he doesn’t get upset about leaving his dad to go back to his mum? Not much, so is it a child / boy thing? I sound useless don’t I! Wish I could get in his mind!

Does his mum get upset about him going as that could cause a bit of a reaction in him?

My DS can be upset at nursery drop off but then he also often tells me his key workers are his best friends and blows them kisses goodbye.

I hate to say it but his mum is a little over the top. There is deep routed issues anyway where her dad walked out of her life when she was his age. I don’t understand the full extend but I thought it would encourage her with me more. But the mind is a strange thing.

No issues at school. It’s not like he has separation anxiety or something. Just this upset about missing mummy and daddy and getting reluctant to come to mine sometimes, for a short time then he has time of his life.

Mine are 10 and 6 and I split up with their dad 6 years ago . The oldest especially sometimes doesn’t want to go to her dads but she is always fine when she goes. I don’t think it’s necessarily something to worry about .

It's quite normal and common for children to have these conflicting feelings at the moment of handover, similar to how they often have a moment at the start of school or nursery but then are fine and happy for the rest of the day.

I remember feeling like that all the way up until I was much older like 11 or so. I'd be really happy to see my dad and then it would get to the last minute and I suddenly wouldn't want to go. I couldn't explain it and I didn't really want to stay at home and miss out. It was always absolutely fine once I was in the car and I never wanted to come home or had a bad time at my dad's house.

I think it's fine just acknowledge that leaving mum can be hard and let that feeling be. He's obviously fine despite it. So just let him know it's ok to feel that way and it's normal to get conflicting feelings at times.