Struggling with not being needed anymore now DC grown up!

[FromMumToMeAgain]

I have 4 DC aged between 24 and 11. Youngest is now at secondary school so thankfully the school gate crap, school plays etc, which I started to hate are over finally after 20 years of it but I’m really struggling with it. I had an extended time of bringing up young DC due to age gaps and I’ve always totally prioritised them to the detriment of myself, gave up my career and social life to the point I can’t even remember who I am actually am. I’m just Mum!

House is pretty quiet as they’re all on screens in their rooms or out. I’ve been a SAHM for 12 years and am actually going to be really busy as I’m doing a part time degree and will be starting a part time job to cover the days I’m not at University in a few weeks but I can’t seem to take my ‘Mum’ hat off and just be Me again and start to devote time to myself.

Youngest is not interested in pumpkin carving and decorating for Halloween and looked at me like when I tried to get him to go on a bike ride with me today!

I used to count down the years until I’d be ‘free’ again when DC were younger as it had been hellish at times. Now I’m finding it really depressing thinking about them all moving out (none of them have yet!) and feel lost . Like I don’t know what my role is now.

I got choked up earlier hearing someone walk by with their toddler having to keep stopping to talk about bugs and leaves . That used to drive me insane!

Anyone else felt like this or am I just nuts?

How much housework do the DCs do? The correct answer is "all of it", as it was when my brothers and I were out of primary school.

In our case, we missed the empty nest by DD having a little surprise during her 2nd year at uni. We have him overnight once week and while it's absolutely joyous, we're glad to collapse back into beadwork, bike rides, and Elite Dangerous. DW is happier than I've ever seen her. She was good at being Mum, she's fantastic at being Nanna. Your mileage may vary.

I think your now needed just as much, but more of a mental load rather than physical.

I think it is an absolutely massive transition, it's fair enough to feel really weird for a while. My oldest has just gone off to uni and my youngest is doing A Levels, so I've spent the last few weeks in a much quieter house (don't live with my partner) thinking about how my life as an active day-to-day parent is nearly over. Obviously older kids still need parents and there's still stuff to be done, but realistically soon weeks may go by without me even knowing where or how they are.

I don't really have an answer for you - I guess the obvious advice is to throw yourself into your course and your job, see friends, take up new hobbies etc but I'm sure you've thought of all that! And yep sometimes I think about the grandchildren that will be coming one day if I'm lucky (though hopefully not in the next couple of years ).

But mostly I suspect it's a case of sitting quietly with the changes, acknowledging them, allowing yourself to feel a bit weird and sad while also thinking about the upsides. Soon I won't have to ever think about what they're going to have for dinner, which one likes Nutella and which one prefers peanut butter, whether they've left their bikes in the rain in the side alley, why they put their hoodies in the wash after one wear... there will be some positives!