Communication breakdowns

[Rosegold1981]

Hi mums, my partner and I are great in pretty much all aspects apart from communication. We communicate very differently. This is causing huge issues in the relationship. This is an example that is so simple but illustrates the issue. I asked my partner to get me 6 AA and some AAA batteries from the garage. He brought me back the batteries and says he said ‘that’s all I could find’ and put them on the table. I never counted them. I’ve then gone out and rang him to ask if he needed me to get anything. When I come home and go to put the batteries in the lamps, I said ‘oh there are only 5’ and he asked if I bought any and I said no because he did not ask me to. He says but I said that’s all I have and I said ok but what does that mean because I did not count them. I said, I would have said- ‘I only could find 5 batteries’ not ‘that’s all I could find’.. anyway, I say to him so this is a communication issue, so for future let’s both make a change- you tell me how many you can find and I will make an effort to count them. That way, if one of us forgets, we have it covered. Hopefully we don’t both forget. Apparently this is not ok because he feels he was very clear in saying ‘that’s all I could find’ and I should have counted them. So suggesting we both change our approach is not acceptable to him. This is just an example of the types of communication breakdown that lead to huge fights. Be honest- am I wrong to suggest we both change our approach because I would have clearly said ‘I could only find 5’ rather than ‘that’s all I could find’. It’s not a right or wrong thing for me but apparently I’m in the wrong here. If I am then I will go to him and say I’m sorry.

Forget about right and wrong. You do it one way, he does it another. One of you isn't willing to compromise, blames the other, and then there are huge fights.

That's incompatibility, not 'communication issues'. The problem is in the finger pointy blaming. Trying to find out who is 'guilty' or calling someone guilty of a problem in a relationship is the hallmark of an unhealthy relationship.

You're looking for someone to either back you up in your rightness or tell you straight about your wrongness, but the fact is, your relationship is in bits if you need one person to be right and one person to be wrong. A healthy relationship isn't a zero sum game.

You know he’s like this from previous ‘communication breakdowns’ so I would have been asking ‘when you say that’s all they have do I need to buy some more/did you get what we need?’

My OH is exactly the same so I’ve learned the rephrase or double check things. It is not the hill I am going to die on.

Hey, thanks. Yeah I agree. I think I feel the pressure to be the one learning to rephrase all the time and it gets frustrating which leads to stubborness on my part. It’s just hard but something I have to learn.

Thanks for your response. There are a lot of assumptions in your response but no actual advice on a way forward which would have been more helpful.

You have identified you communicate in different ways. You both just need make slight adjustments and hopefully arrive on the same page. I.e. you need to seek clarity, he needs to be more clear.

'Your relationship is in bits' and 'incompatibility' were intended to give you all the advice you need.

If you're having 'huge fights' triggered by things as minimal as not buying the right batteries, you need to leave. Life could be much easier.

Why do you want to stay with someone who tells you you're wrong when you don't see it as a 'right or wrong' issue? That's a vastly different way of looking at responsibility within a relationship. Do you really want to be responsible for fixing your relationship problems by learning how to do things differently? It's healthier to be happy with who you are and find somebody who is also happier with who you are.