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Original poster

Would it be wrong to take DS2 on a special trip and not DS1?

22 replies

PackedintheUK · 24/10/2021 22:05

Theyre 18 & 20!

There's a destination DS2 has been saying like to go to since he was about 13yo. It has some science based things you can't see elsewhere, that are right up his (and my) street.

I'd have liked to go as a family holiday when they were both in their teens but it's an expensive destination and even doing it "cheaply" would have been £10k for the 4 of us for 5 days, which seemed ridiculous when two weren't even bothered about going.

Anyway, DH has since died and DS1 has a GF and we hardly see him. DS2 has barely left the house, except for work, since DH died and is right off his food. He says he's OK, but he's not.

I was thinking we could do this trip, just the two of us. A bit more affordable for 2 and I have come to realise you have to do things while you can! Plus I think a fortnight's holiday with your mum at 18 would be a bit much, but this trip lends itself to a few days.

Ds2 is working but I don't think he'd want to spend his own money on this (approx 1/3 of his annual income as an apprentice) I expect he'd be happy to come if I pay. I thought maybe he can pay for some meals.

I don't really want to pay such a high price for DS1 and GF to come, when they wouldn't be interested? but feel bad leaving them out. Ds1 also working FT.

Should I offer them some money (much smaller sum) for a trip of their own or just take DS2?

FWIW DS1 did have a very expensive school trip that DS2 didn't want to do, so I can kind of justify it like that?

OP posts:

Original poster

PackedintheUK · 24/10/2021 22:07

School trip was expensive to us at the time, but nothing like this kind of money.

OP posts:

FawnFrenchieMum · 24/10/2021 22:11

I’d go for it. Life’s too short. DS1 is in a different stage of his life.

HeronLanyon · 24/10/2021 22:15

Yes go. So sorry about your DH and ds2 having tough time it sounds.
If ds1 is mature enough just have a chat with him to kind of reassure and check he’s ok too !

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SleepQuest33 · 24/10/2021 22:18

I would go for it! What type of person is DS1? Would he be upset or hold a grudge?
Sorry for the loss of your DH.

Kite22 · 24/10/2021 22:19

I'm sorry for the loss of your dh

I 100% would take ds2.
I'm fairly sure your ds one will "get" that you paid for him to do something he wanted to do, when that opportunity presented itself, and now you are treating ds2 to something he wants to do. When you do what you can for your dc, it doesn't always mean an exact equal amount gets spent on each one at the same time. You help them, or treat them to things at the time it is right.

Trisolaris · 24/10/2021 22:21

If you are able to offer DS1 some money towards a holiday with his gf I’d think he’d bite your hand off rather than complain that his brother has a more expensive trip with you.

Piggy42 · 24/10/2021 22:21

Sorry for your loss. I would go for it. I would possibly speak to DS1, could you give them some money towards a trip with their gf. Along with their expensive school trip, it shows you’re trying to treat them equally. Sounds like DC2 needs some support and something to get excited about. Would dc 1 understand that?

Original poster

PackedintheUK · 24/10/2021 22:22

@SleepQuest33

I would go for it! What type of person is DS1? Would he be upset or hold a grudge? Sorry for the loss of your DH.

No DS1 will be very laid back about it and probably glad not to be expected to come

OP posts:

NotAnotherPushyMum · 24/10/2021 22:22

Yes I would, but then I’ve always done 1:1 trips with both children so it’s not unusual or perceived as unfair in this household. I hope in your circumstances your older dc can see your point of view.

Monsterpumpkins · 24/10/2021 22:22

An opportunity to do something nice with /for dc1 will likely arise...
Go for it and have fun.
Sorry about your dh...
Don't underestimate how much dc their ages need you still. Even boys!

titchy · 24/10/2021 22:24

I'd give ds1 the choice of being treated to a few days away with just you or a wedge of cash to take his gf away.

Michaelangelo467 · 24/10/2021 22:24

It sounds rather like favouritism tbh, taking the son who hasn’t left home and shares an interest with you. I’d suggest treading very carefully with the eldest and thinking of something to offer to do with him too to make it fair. A school trip doesn’t equate to a special expensive trip with your mum after your dad has died. Think if something special to do with him too.

name532 · 24/10/2021 22:25

Absolutely go for it, I see plenty of mums taking daughters, and not their other sons to New York, spa holidays and the like. It would be nice if you could do something with your other son at some point? Something the two of you would like?

Original poster

PackedintheUK · 24/10/2021 22:27

Actually over time I've probably spent more quality time with DS1, he's easier company and enjoys a good restaurant, whereas DS2 has never really enjoyed his food - it's not unusual for things to affect his appetite because it's never been very good and he's always been a picky eater.

OP posts:

Welldarn · 24/10/2021 22:28

I would let DS1 and girlfriend house sit whilst you take DS2 away and give them some money for a trip of their own.

pumpkinpie01 · 24/10/2021 22:47

So sorry about your DH. I think it's a perfectly reasonable trip to do without having to compensate Ds1 in any way at all . He had an expensive school trip , he is at a different stage in life and by the sound of it it's not something he would enjoy anyway. I'm going to London in a fortnight with my dd I don't feel I have to then financially compensate my sons in anyway and nor would they expect it . Different children , different circumstances.

Kite22 · 24/10/2021 22:52

It sounds rather like favouritism tbh, taking the son who hasn’t left home and shares an interest with you.

I'd disagree with this, and so would my adult dc
They are aware that, over the years, sometimes one gets a present that costs more, because it is something they need (or particularly want) at the time. Sometimes one gets something, just because of 'circumstances' at the time. Sometimes one gets more time because they have more time . Sometimes one gets taken places, because they enjoy the thing you are going to. There are loads of variants in life that mean the dc don't all get the same thing at the same time. They are mature enough at this age to have learned that to be the way it is, and that, over life, things balance out.

MargaretThursday · 24/10/2021 23:51

I have mixed feelings on this.

On the face of it, it sounds a much better idea just to take ds2, you'd both enjoy it (not sure your ds1 would) and it gives you some 1-2-1 time at a point he would really benefit.

But otoh I'm the one in the family for whom dm would say "oh she's laid back about it, probably wouldn't want to come".
I did want to go-or at least be asked. It made me feel irrelevant. It also felt I never got to do equivalent things because "I didn't mind" so there was nothing needed to make it even.

Now I appreciate that was because it happened several time (dbro was "difficult" so the easy way out was to do things he liked) and this may be a one off, but hurt feelings can still happen.

What I'd suggest is saying to ds1 that you're thinking about doing it with ds2, is it the sort of thing he'd be interested in joining? Chances are, from what you've said, he may well say he isn't. If he is then it is perfectly fair enough to say that you can't afford for his gf to come too, I don't see why, if it's a special holiday she would expect to come even.
As he's earning, ask if he can pay towards it-even if you say you'll pay it back later when you have the money.
Alternatively, you could say or would he prefer to have £x to take his gf on holiday. You may find he likes that idea better, especially if he can't take her.

It might be that actually having the time as a three is really helpful though. After all, his dad has died too, and maybe the reason why you don't see much of him is because he's grieving too. As you said, as well, a holiday you and an 18yo may be a bit much, but having his brother means they can do a few things together too.

CocksAndKnobbers · 24/10/2021 23:55

Well your DS1 GF definitely wouldn't need to come on your dime - so I would have a chat with DS1 and see if he even wants to go with you two

Original poster

PackedintheUK · 25/10/2021 07:42

It's really expensive to go on holiday as a single though, the cost of DS1 and GF sharing a room. Isn't much different to DSs sharing and me in a single. (If we go alone DS2 will have to share with me).

OP posts:

Anotherhill · 25/10/2021 07:49

If you have wanted to go anyway, then surely your ds2 is also providing you with the company to do the trip. You could offer ds1 another 1 to 1 trip another time with you.

LynetteScavo · 25/10/2021 07:59

Just go with DS2.

They're adults, not 8 and 10 year olds.

My DM took my adult sibling on a very expensive trip my sibling could never have gone in otherwise. I understand why my DM went with that sibling and not me.

And no way should you even contemplate paying for the GF!

Explain to DS1 you want to go on the trip and your funds only extend to paying for two people.

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