Dominating in laws

[OrlaKc]

My in laws insist on playing very difficult Q&A style quizzes whenever the family gets together. I now dread meeting up because of it. I've tried changing their focus and my hubby suggested we do something else but it always ends up with me looking bad or feeling pressured or playing anyway (badly!). We will be there for Christmas this year (not optional) and they are going to insist after dinner that we play at the table. What can I do? Offering to do the dishes isn't an option either unfortunately as my in laws will insist we play.
Thanks

It very much IS optional to go. I know it seems like it’s not, but life’s short. Don’t do things you don’t want to do. I stopped doing that. while ago and I’m much happier. I’ve pissed people off, but i don’t control their feelings, so it’s not my problem.

If you do go and don’t want to join in the games, don’t. They won’t drop down dead at the table if you decline.

This is your one shot at life, OP. Don’t do lose sleep over s situation that doesn’t matter to you. Just say no.

I am aware that sounded quite dramatic
But honestly, just say no. Works wonders. And you might not be invited back, so win win.

Play it for laughs and deliberately get every question very wrong?

They can't insist you play.
I would clearly state that playing this particular game spoils your time with them and you will not be joining in. DH needs to tell them that he supports your decision and to leave you alone. Then start doing something else, reading, scrolling, going to bed etc.
I love PennyWus idea of playing it for laughs though.

My inlaws do this too!!!!
Its an after dinner thing and you keep the card from the deck if you get it right?

I actually was sick of doing them so one Christmas gifted them a pack of 90s questions (ie ones i could actually answer) and suggested we play the new deck as everyone learns the answers on the old deck after a while. The younger folk were on board and now we have 2-3 decks in play and when it's your turn you pick what deck/category you want.

Or buy a totally different after dinner game and politely insist you play.

Separately I have learned to do what i want at inlaws without "creating a scene"
So i take myself off for walks "to take a call from a friend who is having a hard time". I book nail and massages and pop into town for a few hours. I fancy something specific as a snacl and go to tescos for 90 mins. I go up to the room and crush candies "for a lie down" as i am a terrible sleeper and didnt sleep well...

I also send my husband up to them alone every second trip or so, i havent been there myself in 18 months (thanks covid)

It gets a lot bit of cats bum face from MIL but i am past giving a shit. Appearances are all and she'd look bonkers if she kicked off as they go to no effort and plan nothing when we visit so she'd be insisting i sit downstairs in their dark dusty living room in staid silence.

In this instance i would go for something they can't argue with too much.
"I feel terribly unwell and need a lie down so sorry please excuse me" (headache, indigestion, exhastion as slept terribly the night before)
"I need to phone great aunt fanny she is spending Christmas alone. She'll want a big long chat i'll pop out of the way. go on and start without me!"
That sort of vibe.

Of course playing is optional, you're not a prisoner. "I'll be observing whilst I enjoy a glass of wine, thanks."

You're an adult. No one can make you play a game you don't want to play.

Time for you to look up ‘creating and asserting boundaries’ and a bit of general assertiveness training? There’s enough time before Xmas. If you really want to be extra nice, forewarn them that you’ve decided the after dinner games are not for you and you won’t be sitting in. Repeat like a broken record- ‘it’s not for me.’ ‘No really, it’s not my cup of tea.’ ‘I’m not into these types of games.’ ‘I’ve never been a fan of…’. Forever.

Bring a book, go for a walk, etc. Be calm, smiley and later enthusiastic about your solo activity. No need to be passive-aggressive or grumpy. Just firm and smiley. And after a while, a bit confused that they don’t seem to be understanding you? Let them look like the rude ones.

Take monopoly with you. Itll take hours to play.

I would suggest a new game and crack out Cards Against Humanity

Give a silly answer for everything

If there are games you like to play buy one and wrap it and make a big deal of how you can't wait to share it with them.
If you just don't like board games at all I'd be talking before dinner about your poor cousin/aunt/friend and how sad for them you are this year.
Then set your alarm to your ringtone and answer a call from them just after dinner.
"So sorry, start the game without me I have to take this call"
Disappear till it's over.

You are an adult, say ‘no’.
Then go NC, it’s very liberating.

'Oh goodness no thanks that's the last thing I feel like doing after a big meal. I'm off for a walk / to watch rubbish on telly / to read my book / to have a snooze.'

Yes I agree OP. You say they insist, but you are letting them insist by being too polite to keep saying no.

Lol at the suggestion you go NC, dramatic much? 🤪😂

What options do you see as being open to you?
You said you have to go (you don't) and then you say you have to play (you do not).what do you think people are going to say to you?

Do you want a way out or do you want sympathy.

I never say never but I'm not sure I'll ever set foot in in laws house ever again, it's not somewhere I feel happy, respected, the house itself and the environment really adverlsy affect me.

Just say no. If they keep badgering you or ask why dont make excuses. Say I dont want to.

Get DH on board with changing the tone of the game - make it less about score keeping and more about giving ridiculous hints and clues. We've basically turned trivial pursuit into a kind of verbal charades or pictionary in our house. A turn basically only ends when the person asking the question can't come up with a way to make the person playing get the answer.

Thanks so much for all the helpful comments. I can't say enough how much they have put my mind at ease already. I know it seems stupid to say I feel I haven't felt able to bow out, but it's hard when a whole family are looking at you quizzically like you are making an issue out of nothing by saying no.

This year I'm going to make use of all the great suggestions to ensure I don't feel the same as I've felt before. I like all the suggestions and feel a bit silly for not having thought of them myself. I had thought of the make an excuse one before but again, I'm met with a torrent of "not make a call now", "is she really going to leave the table" comments. The 'I'll sip my wine and enjoy this as a spectator thanks' is particularly good!! Thanks so much

@OrlaKc

Thanks so much for all the helpful comments. I can't say enough how much they have put my mind at ease already. I know it seems stupid to say I feel I haven't felt able to bow out, but it's hard when a whole family are looking at you quizzically like you are making an issue out of nothing by saying no.

This year I'm going to make use of all the great suggestions to ensure I don't feel the same as I've felt before. I like all the suggestions and feel a bit silly for not having thought of them myself. I had thought of the make an excuse one before but again, I'm met with a torrent of "not make a call now", "is she really going to leave the table" comments. The 'I'll sip my wine and enjoy this as a spectator thanks' is particularly good!! Thanks so much

Honestly, it’s not your problem what other people think of you. Let them look at you quizzically - who cares? They are the odd ones. Just do what you want to do.

Any comments of “is she going to leave the table”, look them in the eye and say, “Yes, I am”.

Just go this year armed with a few excuses, and say them breezily as though it's not a big deal. If they make a fuss, turn it back on them 'sure don't worry, you'll still have fun without me', or if they put the pressure on, just keep calm and say something like 'what's the big deal if one person doesn't play, this is supposed to be fun right?'

You are not being unreasonable by not wanting to participate, and they are weird to try and force it on you, just try to remember that.

Or alternatively, get ridiculously drunk, make a total show of yourself and get sent to bed .

I totally get it OP, family dynamics can be so strange, there is a weird pressure that doesn't happen in other situations.

Have you tried suggesting Trivial Pursuit? bear with me...

It's Q&A- style quizzes, some of which are quite tricky (particularly if you know nothing about sport or pop music) so in theory should be right up their street.

On the other hand, the most knowledgeable player in the world can sometimes never manage to land on a Pie Question; and occasionally you get a really easy one, or say Charlie Chaplin and it turns out to be right . Additionally, a lot of time is taken up with throwing the die and moving round (particularly if you manage to throw 3s and 4s all the time).

If that doesn't work, you could volunteer to do all the asking?

Or just say "ah come on, you all know how bad I am at this!"

If you're going to leave the table and they say that, just lightheartedly say "sure you know me, I'm not a big board game fan so makes sense to make this call now and leave you to enjoy your game" in a fully cheerful way. Makes it explicit that it's something you don't enjoy without stamping your foot.

Could you give them a board game for Christmas, @OrlaKc - and say it’s to play on the day? That way you would get to choose a game that you would enjoy more.

If you watch and enjoy Richard Osman’s House of Games, there is a board game version of that - ds2 bought it for dh and I last Christmas, and we enjoyed playing it.

If that isn’t to your taste, I’m sure we could think of something else.

Please just get absolutely battered!!!

You don’t have to play, you should be allowed to say no but you can say “actually I don’t enjoy board games and I’d rather go an sit on the sofa while my dinner gets down/go for a walk”. Personally I wouldn’t make a phone call as I think it’s too obvious that you would rather talk to someone other than them.
You could take another board game or playing cards?

I understand though, my family are board game players and my husband doesn’t like question and answer ones, but his family play cards for money which I hate (and can’t afford to do) and really pressure you into playing - joking that your tight with your wallet if you discreetly try to avoid!