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Original poster

DS has a clear favourite parent... does this change?

16 replies

pairsinparis · 23/10/2021 11:37

We have two DS, 4 and 18 months

When our 4 year old was born he would only settle on me, his mum. He used to cry when DH got home from work, and cry when being held by him. DH always did bath books bed with him and I had to stay out of the way otherwise he'd cry for me and I'd never get a break. Everyone told us this would soon change, he'll be a 'daddy's boy' in no time etc.

He is now four, and nothing has changed- my husband is a wonderful man and a brilliant daddy, but my four year old honestly acts like he doesn't like him, it's starting to get my husband down a bit now. He would never chose to sit next to him, be helped by him, get dressed by him, okay with him, it always has to be mummy. Obviously we don't listen to this, and dh makes sure that he is as involved as I am, but it's always a battle with ds.

It's hard to explain ds's attitude towards Dh, we pick him up on the things that he say and explain how much dh loves him etc, but it's constant. A few more egs- he will get upset if dh sits next to him on sofa, lays next to him in bed, sits next to him at dinner table, tries to play with him, asks him questions about his day, helps him do his shoes up. And he cries and says 'I really wanted mummy to do that/sit there/ play with me/ tuck me in/ hold my hand'. When we challenge the behaviour he just says it's because 'I love mummy so so much'

Will this change? Does it sound familiar to anyone? It's so important that he grows up having a good relationship with his dad. No issues with our 18mo, he seems to be equally happy with both parents

OP posts:

Holly60 · 23/10/2021 11:52

It sounds to me like he is just very very attached to you. It’s not that he doesn’t love his daddy - he would just rather have you. Do you spend lots of one-on-one time with him? Loads of reassurance, giving him mummy time etc? Just a thought- might be barking up the wrong tree

coffeeisthebest · 23/10/2021 12:11

We had similar when my son was young and we tended to just carry on, my husband is pretty easy going and seemed ok with just accepting that my son preferred me for a long time. We didn't make a big deal out of it. It has changed as he has got older. Kids are incredibly accurate at hitting our emotional weak spots so I think I would allow space for your husband to voice his feelings about this to you but try and both maintain a balanced front to your son. Don't reinforce it.

MeredithGreyishblue · 23/10/2021 12:22

It was the other way with us. I never got a look in for the first, maybe 6 years with my two boys. But daddy was the SAHP.
Now they're 9 & 10 and glued to me instead.

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aSofaNearYou · 23/10/2021 12:26

Personally I don't think there's that long left until you need to start gently explaining to him that though he might have wanted mummy to do those things, his attitude is actually quite cold and upsetting and he shouldn't say those things to daddy all the time. It will have to change as he enters the age of caring and thinking about the feelings of others!

EnglishGirlApproximately · 23/10/2021 13:34

DS was very much like this when he was younger, and even now at nine would be permanently by my side if I let him. As he's got older he has got a great relationship with DP and if I'm away there are no issues at all. When we're all together DS will always want to be with me, sit next to me etc. so we have to actively make him to things alone or with DP. I'm not too worried I know he loves DP, I think its just the result of most of his free time being with me.

wevemadeitagain · 23/10/2021 13:35

Yup, been there except dad is the favoured parent! She’s now 5 and there’s w bit more reasoning with her. If she wants her dad I’ll say with a big smile ‘oh I was looking forward to doing that with you, why don’t we do it together and show dad later?’ I don’t want her to feel like she has to choose so it’s big smiles and no fuss when she doesn’t. Not much help for now but maybe small step changes.

lilyfire · 23/10/2021 13:58

One possibility is that it’s not really about his attachment to his dad but about his attachment to you. If you’ve been his primary care giver then you will be his first place of safety person. Maybe he’s feeling a bit worried as his brother is becoming more of a person and less of a baby and taking up your attention in a different way. If he’s feeling a bit anxious about this then he may need the reassurance of you carrying out certain care activities for him. If it’s suggested dad does them then this might just increase his anxiety. This may be totally wrong but could be a possibility. If it is the case then he will need lots of reassurance from both of you and he absolutely will feel able to let his dad do more with him in time. Perhaps think carefully about what his dad can do that bolsters their relationship but doesn’t make him feel anxious about losing your attention. I know that’s easier to say than do when you’re in the middle of parenting little ones of just trying to get through it and maintain the semblance of a life for yourself as well!

Silverdorkinghen · 23/10/2021 14:05

Hard to gain all the nuances from a brief post so apologies if I’ve gain the wrong impression but I wondered if it’s a case of creating what you fear.

Phrases like “obviously we don’t listen to this” and “challenging him on his behaviour” - it’s like you want him to be the adult and please your husband & met your husband’s need to be loved as though he’s somehow now in the child role. Our kids choose who they want for bedtime, cuddling up the sofa etc unless there are reasons to say no (including Mum’s in the bath ) and why can’t they?

Silverdorkinghen · 23/10/2021 14:10

We’ve got three kids and we were more 50:50 in the care of with the older 2 when they were little babies. When we agreed with each other to try for a third, my DH said that he found the little baby stage really hard and I said I loved it so we agreed I would do more baby things and he would do the other things. As a consequence when our 3rd child was 6 months old, they want me more than him. My DH noticed the difference and didn’t want that so instead of making this our child’s responsibility, he accepted it and put effort into his own behaviour to change the dynamic by suggesting fun activities our youngest loved so she’d happily interact more with him without thinking about it and now it’s more 50:50 she’ll ask for him or me.

Floristry382 · 23/10/2021 14:46

It does change but I think that strong mother/son bond will always be there. Our DS is now 13 and he comes mainly to me for emotional support but he has a great relationship with DH.

As your son gets older encourage time for just him and your DH. Maybe they can find a shared hobby to encourage the bond.

Original poster

pairsinparis · 23/10/2021 15:03

@Silverdorkinghen oh no not at all... he's four and only just turned four too, so he's only a wee dot. I expected backlash on my post like 'well tell him he can't act like that...' sort of comments. All I meant was if he's getting worked up that daddy is sat next to him / helping him leave his shoes whilst mummy is on the loo/ packing backpack etc he should try not to scream and shout- that sort of thing

Or if he won't let dh near him to join in playing something we are playing I don't particularly go on about it, but might say something like 'oh but daddy really loves Lego and loves playing Lego with you!' - that sort of thing

Most of the time I end up being his right hand man and DH watches from the sidelines to make life easy, and also he's my tiny best mate

OP posts:

Original poster

pairsinparis · 23/10/2021 15:04

@lilyfire yes, perhaps, it feels like he's had my as his firm fave right from the off, but definitely something to think about

OP posts:

cheeseismydownfall · 23/10/2021 15:12

I don't think your son's behaviour is too unusual. DS1 was very closely bonded to me, and his back up was my mum, who helped with childcare when I went back to work part time. DH is a wonderful father but not instinctively nurturing in the way that some small children crave more than others.

DS is 13 now and they have an excellent bond and DS loves spending time with his father. It's a different relationship to the one I have with him, but I think that is healthy and normal.

It's tough for you DH though. Hopefully it will only be a little while longer before your son begins to branch out from you. I think DS was around 6 maybe, although it was a very gradual change. And he still wants me when he is ill!

WithABiffBangPow · 23/10/2021 16:40

My 4year old is exactly the same and always has been. He loves my husband but can be pretty cold with him if I'm around.
I just assume he'll grow out of it.
It does upset my husband, he trys hard not to take it to heart but it's pretty tough for him sometimes.

Nc123 · 23/10/2021 17:04

@pairsinparis

We have two DS, 4 and 18 months

Will this change? Does it sound familiar to anyone? It's so important that he grows up having a good relationship with his dad. No issues with our 18mo, he seems to be equally happy with both parents

My youngest was like this. We used to say, “daddy might feel left out” and “let’s give dad a turn.” What changed it finally was that DH had eight months being a stay at home dad when he was about four. Now they are really close.

IpadLover · 23/10/2021 17:07

My DD is the same with me, if both me and ExH are in a room together she completely ignores ExH in favour of me, she won't meet his eyes in the crowd of her plays/sports days, but desperately searches for me. She's 7 now and it hasn't changed, even school have noticed.

Every year on her first parents evening I get asked the situation with her dad, when I say he has regular contact and the amount he has they always seem surprised because she never talks about him at all, all her pictures are "mummy and me". Her Year 1 teacher said she wouldn;t have known DD has any contact at all with her dad if I hadn't told her and would have assumed he's absent thats how obvious her favouritism is.

No suggestions, but it is upsetting for ExH too.

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