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Lying husband

24 replies

Mugwife · 23/10/2021 00:39

So a few years back, my husband developed a “friendship” with someone that he works with. I should add he is in a senior position, she is not. I accidentally saw a notification pop up on his phone one evening. He had been texting her a lot and some of the things were quite personal eg complaining about how much his life with young kids sucked. They had become “best friends” they said. Lots of kisses on messages.

Fast forward and I discovered more lies (again by a phone notification) the girl had been attending a group social thing he does even though he told me she doesn’t go. An argument happened, we moved on.

Then fast forward to today, watching a video on his phone with the kids and a notification pops up from her arranging a group event taking place this week. Huge argument where I explained it’s the lying more than anything that has hurt me.

Now, he’s pulled out of the event like a martyr and his friends have all guessed that it’s because of his “controlling wife”.

I like to add, I don’t check his phone, I just happened to be watching A film with our children as mine was not in signal.

How the hell can we move on? I’m on the sofa awake and I cannot stop thinking about how hurt I am.

OP posts:
dangermouseisace · 23/10/2021 01:11

Are they just friends? Sounds v suspect, sorry x

CatNameChange101 · 23/10/2021 01:22

I’m the most easy going partner. It offends him sometimes I’m not unhappy with female friendships. This would concern me though.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2021 01:25

He had been texting her a lot and some of the things were quite personal eg complaining about how much his life with young kids sucked.

If that's how he feels, I'd say she can have the miserable fucking bastard.

Your husband is a liar, he's cheating, and he's making a fool of you. I know what I'd be doing.

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Unreasonabubble · 23/10/2021 01:38

You can't,

Crunchymum · 23/10/2021 07:46

Why are you on the sofa and not him?

Not only is he lying to you, he is manipulating you too. It's time to have a serious think about your future with this man.

Trust is gone and he doesn't seem interested in rebuilding it. Your choices seem to be put up with his 'friendship' or end the relationship.

AgentProvocateur · 23/10/2021 07:50

Why do you want to move on with him? He’s been lying to you for years about her. You’d be better off without this lying man in your life.

Mugwife · 23/10/2021 10:09

If I’m honest I don’t think anything has happened but the lying is very annoying. He obviously had a bond with this woman and enjoys her company. He said he lied as he didn’t want to get in trouble.

After I discovered his first lie this week, he even told me another one. He said he “thinks her husband is going too”… turns out that isn’t true. The husband doesn’t have a ticket and isn’t going. He never had plans to go. Another fib to reassure me.

OP posts:
Cuntness · 23/10/2021 10:22

Have you seen anyone call you the "controlling wife" or is this another lie designed to manipulate you?

Mugwife · 23/10/2021 11:30

I saw a message from his friend saying “so is it because you’ve had another argument with the wife that you can’t come to the event”

OP posts:
user1493423934 · 24/10/2021 02:18

No no no their 'friendship' is waaay over line. He should not be saying how much his life with young kids sucks, and the fact she referred to 'having another argument with the wife' indicates he has moaned about you.
This is not OK. Even if nothing sexual has happened he is massively disrespecting you and your marriage. Not on. Sorry its happening OP.

FartSock5000 · 24/10/2021 03:12

This sounds more like an emotional affair than a friendship. Lying, being secretive and putting her above you is not friendship. It's a precursor to cheating.

user1493423934 · 24/10/2021 04:02

Yeah it does sound like an EA. OP, why don't you ask to get this moved to the Relationships board? there's often more traffic for this type of post.

YukoandHiro · 24/10/2021 04:06

Kisses from a woman who isn't his sister or very long standing close friend for decades who is also a big part of your family life/hangs with your children etc?

No sorry. You're right to be upset and angry and he's behaving like this because he knows it.

Turn it back on him. Ask him how he thinks it would look for his career to be encouraging the interest of a far more junior and I'm imagining younger woman too? What would HR say about it?

Tell him hes either stupidly naive or being deliberately dishonest to you and both are deeply unattractive

JuneJuly · 24/10/2021 05:31

Sounds to me like he's spinning a yarn about how woeful his home life is to anyone who will listen. And, because they believe it, his mates probably encourage him to socialise with them & this woman. In turn, that will make him feel justified in doing it & not being truthful with you about it. All this stemming from his version of your life/marriage.

Really disrespectful of you & your family.

JuneJuly · 24/10/2021 05:33

@JuneJuly

Sounds to me like he's spinning a yarn about how woeful his home life is to anyone who will listen. And, because they believe it, his mates probably encourage him to socialise with them & this woman. In turn, that will make him feel justified in doing it & not being truthful with you about it. All this stemming from his version of your life/marriage.

Really disrespectful of you & your family.

Probably would read better if I'd said...

'disrespectful to you & your family'

Buddyhobbs · 24/10/2021 06:45

The kisses in the messages is the red flag for me.

I have 2 really good male friends at work and talk to them about everything (including when times are hard because of DC). I meet them outside of work for lunch. I would NEVER include kisses in messages to them though.

CherryLeaf · 24/10/2021 07:18

Have you read the rest of the messages between them op? To see how far this ‘friendship’ has gone? He may well have deleted incriminating ones but I wouldn’t trust any of his opinions on the topic and would want to see for myself. Doesn’t look good. The very fact he’s complaining about you to others is a huge red flag!

GoodnightGrandma · 24/10/2021 07:23

He lied because he didn’t want to get in trouble - so he knew what he was doing was wrong.
He’s got you second guessing yourself.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if he’s having an affair or not, wondering if he’s lying or not ?

Mollymalone123 · 24/10/2021 07:30

I’d print out the details of what an emotional affair is.Then I’d tell him to either pack his bags or completely remove her from his life.Tell him it’s his last chance! That’s if you feel like giving him a last chance.It seems some men think because sex isn’t involved that it isn’t an affair-💐 for you

girlmom21 · 24/10/2021 08:10

'Another argument with the life' suggests he's making everyone in his private life (away from you) feel sorry for him about how awful his life is so when he eventually shags the woman from work they'll all believe you drove him to it and he won't be the bad guy.

JuneJuly · 24/10/2021 10:03

@girlmom21

'Another argument with the life' suggests he's making everyone in his private life (away from you) feel sorry for him about how awful his life is so when he eventually shags the woman from work they'll all believe you drove him to it and he won't be the bad guy.
Yes. This is what I was trying to get across in my earlier post but you said it better!😁
TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 24/10/2021 10:06

The above. You are being set up.

Set him free. See how he likes them apples.

Shelovesamystery · 24/10/2021 10:25

@girlmom21

'Another argument with the life' suggests he's making everyone in his private life (away from you) feel sorry for him about how awful his life is so when he eventually shags the woman from work they'll all believe you drove him to it and he won't be the bad guy.
Absolutely this.

I've seen it happen a few times with my own colleagues. 'Poor bloke with the controlling wife, works so hard, such a good dad, deals with all the stress of a young family at home, wife never let's him have a life of his own bla bla bla'. His mates end up actively encouraging him to shag about Hmm makes him feel less guilty about being an absolute arsehole I suppose 🤷‍♀️

Gilead · 24/10/2021 12:13

I’m sorry, if as you say this has gone on for a few years, he’s cheating. She’s waiting for him to leave. He’s having the best of both worlds.

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