Looking after elderly relatives

[BasinHaircut]

Just needed somewhere to let off really as don’t want to burden wider family with it it I’m just finding it such a slog being the main person looking out for my elderly aunt.

My parents live 100miles away and although 20 years younger than my aunt, are in their 70s and have their own health problems now. My siblings both live an hour away too and there isn’t anyone else so it’s just me.

Luckily she has great neighbours and she has lived in the same house for 90+ years so has a pretty decent set up, such as a neighbour’s granddaughter cleans for her and she has a hairdresser in and a gardener, but she has only left the house in the last 18 months for 2 x covid vaccines and been taken away in ambulance’s twice due to falls and so relies on me for anything she needs and it’s getting a bit overwhelming.

On paper it doesn’t seem like much, I get her shopping once a week. No big deal she gives me a list over the phone and I have it delivered to me (she can’t have it delivered directly, it would be more rouble than it’s worth) or do a click and collect along with my own shopping and take it to her each week. But it’s realistically 2 hours minimum by the time I’ve driven there and back, stopped for a cuppa so she has some company and done any little odd jobs she needs. She is half an hour away.

I have to arrange any workmen etc she might need (for example today the washing machine is apparently not working) and anything else she wants doing, however little falls to me.

I think it’s the mental load more than anything, and the fact that sometimes something that is really important to her as her world is so small, but in reality it’s a tiny non-issue, irritates me. She goes on and on about how she wants things cleaned better than the cleaner does them, and I’m there wiping her perfectly clean kitchen cupboards down, when my entire house is a grubby disaster as I just don’t have the time or the mental capacity to get on top of it.

Im not sure why I’m writing this really but feels good to get it out!

Please look after yourself. I promise you it does get worse and you need to keep to your own boundaries otherwise you will be run ragged. Why cant your siblings help. At least they are in the UK. Mine arent!

You are talking about your Aunt arent you?

Why cant she take a online delivery of food? Why would it be more trouble than its worth.

My DM gives me loads of jobs and complains and moans everytime I see her or phone her. Its draining and I had to speak to her very robustly about what she was doing. She has become more thoughtful but still often cannot help herself!

Retired people often blow things out of all proportion. Things that you and would do in our stride they fuss and bother about. They want things done quickly and you end up doing it quickly because you know they wont let it rest.

Thanks for responding.

I guess in theory my siblings could help but my sister has 3 young kids and a full time job, her partner works shifts and has his own elderly grandfather that they are in a similar situation with so that would be unfair to palm some of this off on her.

My brother could probably help a bit more and does ‘cover’ for me when I need him to, but my aunt tends to ‘not want to bother’ him and ends up just saving things up for me. She is very old fashioned in that sense and at 92 she won’t change.

I might test out getting an online shop delivered directly but she is quite arthritic and would need it brought in and unloaded for her so I feel like it’s a risk that if she doesn’t get the assistance she needs we will end up back in hospital after another fall. Also, especially at the moment the substitutions or missing items would be an issue and I’d probably end up having to sort that out in person anyway. Plus I feel like I really should go round there once a week to check up on her.

And just to clarify I call her ‘aunt’ but she is not blood related to us. She was originally a neighbour when I was small, but has been like a grandparent to me for my entire life. We have never had an Xmas without her. She doesn’t have any blood relatives except an equally elderly cousin that she speaks to by phone once a week.

It’s just exhausting isn’t it!

Re online deliveries. I would recommend Waitrose. Call them in advance and see what they can do. Your Aunt wouldnt be the only elderly person who needs this sort of help.

I recognise what you say re 'bothering' a man. Of course their job and time is more important than yours!

Please do watch out for your Aunt offering YOU up for care. There was someone recently who was run ragged by their Mother who 2 YEARS ago had been offered some help i the home for free and had refused saying she had someone who did all of it!

The thing is that there is support and help out there. You will still want to keep involved but watch that your Aunt doesnt give you more and more to do.

My Mum will agree to anything providing that she doesnt need to do anything herself which often makes things simplier but it does mean that I do all the running around and the organising and just tell her its done at the end!