Coping with funerals

[whydidioffer]

I've got a funeral for a very close relative in a few days. It will involve quite a long church service, burial and meal after .

I'm incredibly anxious, I've got OCD and it centres a bit on dying .

I've offered/volunteered myself to give a reading, I desperately want to and the person its for would be dleiughed but I'm now panicking and wondering why I ever said I would do it, I'm scared I'll get upset and start crying or worse, have a full blown panic attack . Churches and the rest of it terrify me at the best of times .

I'm not particularly close to any family going, and they'll all be concerned with their own grief so I'd feel stupid asking for support .

What's the best thing to do? Friend said fake it til you make it, go in pretending I feel fine ...

The person it's for won't know.

Just don't go.

Sorry to hear this OP. Can you go but not do the reading, just so you don't feel so under pressure.

I would say go, but don’t do the reading if you think it’s too much. You could always write what you want to say and ask the Vicar or person doing the service to read it out for you.

Can you visit the church beforehand to see what the building is like ? Perhaps even attend a Sunday service for practice - you can arrive late, sit at the back and leave early so no one speaks to you ( if that would make you more anxious ).

Most church funerals are about celebrating the persons life and not their death. Of course there is also an emphasis on the Christian faith, hope and love.

Hope you're ok OP.

I think you have a few choices....

A) pull out of the reading. Totally understandable, but just make sure you let the organiser know ASAP.

B) fake it til you make it! Practise your reading until
You feel completely comfortable with it. Give yourself a good talking to and on the day you'll have to pull
Yourself together and get on with it. Don't let your mind wonder to sad places.

I did a reading at a child's funeral once. It was one of the saddest things I've ever seen and lots of people were obviously very upset during the service. I had to block everything out and almost detach myself from the situation. I told myself I was doing it for the family and for the child, who I loved dearly. It was my chance to do something for them and I had a responsibility to stay strong and composed to give them a good send off.

I kept thinking of Charles Spencer at Princess Diana's funeral! I didn't know why, but it's just always stuck with me how composed he was in front of millions of people at his sisters funeral.

Best of luck OP. Don't put your own mental health at risk. There aren't many people who can speak at funerals (my example was a one time only thing, and only because of the very special circumstances. I haven't done it before and don't think I'll do it again).
So don't beat yourself up if you don't want to do it.

As a vicar I am ways aware that people might decide on the day they can't do a reading after all. If I have spoken to them when arranging the funeral i will say 'if you feel on the day that you can't do it just look at me when the time comes and shake your head and I will just read it for you'

If you are worried make yourself known to the priest beforehand and just say you may not be able to read. Give them a copy so they can read it instead. If it is something you have written yourself (as opposed to a bible reading or well known poem) it might be worth phoning/emailing them in advance to get a copy to them earlier so they have time to read it through.
But please don't worry about it. We are used to standing in at the last minute.