Uni placement, observing an assessment for autism earlier and I had the sudden realisation that they were describing me .
I’ve always been very anxious, and awkward for want of a better word . I was horrendously bullied at school, I never had close friends . I did have a group of girls I hung about with in my older teens but I was often on the outside; they said I was irritating which I can well believe. I don’t understand how friendships work . I have a couple of people I talk to very regularly but not appropriate ‘friendship’ as such (ie not always very reciprocal) . I find I cling very closely to one ‘friend’ in particular to the point she probably finds it suffocating!
As an adult I spend my days largely very much alone . I’ve worked, I’ve studied, but I’ve never made good close long lasting friendships . I find stuff like the pub, parties very awkward . I found the staff room and staff politics a nightmare at work and was bullied by a couple of colleagues .
Never had a relationship at all, I don’t understand how that works iyswim .
I’ve never understood how to play sports - it makes zero sense to me, I can’t get competitive, I couldn’t do it at school - diagnosed dyspraxic but I think it goes beyond that . I was similar with games and parties as a child, I didn’t know how to dance or join in with stuff and felt mostly alone .
I’m always extremely anxious and tense, I have panic attacks frequently . I can’t do stuff like shopping centres, public transport, busy places without struggling . Noises of cars, trains, traffic lights, I find very hard .
Language I am terrible with sarcasm and metaphors and stuff . Told I was a ‘mini professor’ as a child . Have a weird thing where I can remember a great deal for no real reason (i.e. I remember dates, phone numbers, bank numbers, addresses) .
I’ve had mental health help for years on and off, several different diagnoses . At the moment I’m on highest dose of anti depressant, propranolol and bloody diazepam to function and even then it’s limited .
I watch the same TV programmes again and again for weeks - not because I particularly enjoy them but because I feel safe with them on in background (Friends or something like). Sort of similar with eating .
I self soothe a lot and I remember vividly as a child spinning, clicking my tongue, etc - as an adult I just shoogle my leg all the time .
Autism would appear to run in my family - sibling is diagnosed, mother is strongly suspected (complex presentation) and father has traits .
I ended up in tears this morning (in private) as it’s hit me that I’m actually very, very lonely and angry with myself for lacking what everyone else seems to have .
I’m dithering over asking uni if I could talk it through privately, or write something reflective; but where do I go with it? I don’t know if I want to pursue a diagnosis - would it help? Does it make any difference knowing or is it better trying to just accept me as me?