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Original poster

Funeral etiquette

20 replies

Sj17 · 20/10/2021 10:16

Hello,
So my neighbours mother died after a long illness. She had lots of mishap in the family all together. We supported her by cooking food, sending flower, card. And also went to see her to convey our condolence. She us a nice lady on her 70s. Today she sent her muns funeral card, which will take plave next week in local church. Do i have to attend it? I never met her mum... if i dont have to then how to say no..

OP posts:
Original poster
Sj17 · 20/10/2021 10:18

Sorry for the auto spell..

she is

will take place

OP posts:
JellyMouldJnr · 20/10/2021 10:18

you don't need to RSVP for a funeral. You don't need to attend, but obviously you can if you wish to. If you want to explicitly decline, I would just say that you will leave it for close friends and family.

toomuchlaundry · 20/10/2021 10:19

Funerals are there to support the grieving relatives, so not necessary to know the person who has died. But you don’t have to go.
Maybe keep supporting her in the way you have been doing

Mybalconyiscracking · 20/10/2021 10:21

I would go if it wasn’t too inconvenient. Sit at the back, leave before the reception. Funerals are about supporting the living.

DappledThings · 20/10/2021 10:27

You don't have to go but it wouldn't be unusual to go. Do you specifically not want to?

ftw163532 · 20/10/2021 10:30

Well nobody is going to force you to attend, but it would be a nice thing to do to support her if you were able to go.

MaybeAMoaner · 20/10/2021 10:30

When my DH’s mum died lots of his friends and work colleagues (who had never met his mum) all came.
And I’ve never forgotten how sweet that was.
Just a mark of respect or to say “I’m here for you”
So if you are able then do go.
Or let her know you are so sorry you can’t be there as you’re at work or whatever

StripeyBadger · 20/10/2021 10:37

She isn’t asking you to go because you knew her mum, she is asking you to go to give her support. It’s up to you whether you do go or not; there is no obligation to do so.

Original poster
Sj17 · 20/10/2021 10:44

Many thanks for your reply. I will support her as long as I can. She is my neighbour and friend. I just want to respect the grieving family and process. I personally dont belong to any faith and grew up in diff culture. My neighbour know about it. I just dont want to make her family ( large family) feel awkward with my presence. But personally I dont mind going .

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 20/10/2021 10:45

The funeral card isn't the same as an invitation, so you don't need to reply to it.
It might be a nice gesture for you to go to the service, but you are under no obligation to do so.
It sounds as though you are already being a good neighbour.

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/10/2021 10:47

I would go to support a friend. I'd be sat at the back out of the way though. I'd go the wake too, people like to talk about the deceased, it helps.

Clandestin · 20/10/2021 10:54

@Sj17

Many thanks for your reply. I will support her as long as I can. She is my neighbour and friend. I just want to respect the grieving family and process. I personally dont belong to any faith and grew up in diff culture. My neighbour know about it. I just dont want to make her family ( large family) feel awkward with my presence. But personally I dont mind going .
Well, if she made sure you knew the time and place of the funeral, then she would clearly like you to be there, if you can manage it without complications etc at work. Attending a funeral doesn't require any faith whatsoever, and won't make her family feel awkward.
merryhouse · 20/10/2021 10:54

Funeral cards are quite unusual in my experience. It might be more common now after the lockdown restrictions? I'd imagine that she's letting you know that you wouldn't be unwelcome.

FinallyHere · 20/10/2021 12:15

You really have no obligation to attend any funeral. As I've become older, though, I have discovered how comforting a well attended funeral can be and how sad it is to have only a few people at a funeral.

I would go if I possibly could.

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 20/10/2021 12:17

I've always been under the impression that it's good etiquette to send funeral details to anyone who sends flowers, whether you expect them to come or not.

I think most likely your neighbour was simply following her usual social rules and doesn't think you want to come and won't be upset if you don't.

If I were you I think I would let her know I wasn't coming (just for the avoidance of doubt) and wish her well for the day and say I'd be thinking of her.

antsinyourpanta · 20/10/2021 12:19

My MIL died during lockdown earlier this year and funeral was close family only apart from 2 friends who came against the families wishes

Lots of neighbours lined the street to pay their respects when the hearse arrived and a long standing family friend stood by the roadside by the crematorium (he even put on a black suit and tie)

Notaroadrunner · 20/10/2021 12:19

If you don't mind going then I think you should go. She sees you as a close friend and clearly would like you to be there. Hundreds of people attend funerals in Ireland but they wouldn't all have met the deceased person. They attend to sympathise with the family members they do know. I'm sure she'd be delighted if you go.

DriftingBlue · 20/10/2021 12:23

You don’t have to attend and you don’t have to specifically decline. If you are willing to attend though, it can be surprisingly comforting to the family to have that community support. You won’t be front and center. You will sit towards the back and possibly before or after the service express your condolences to your neighbor. You don’t need to participate in any religious rituals. I always just sit quietly for those.

LagneyandCasey · 20/10/2021 13:53

You sound like a really lovely neighbour, op. It sounds like your neighbour would like you to attend but it's totally up to you. I agree that family will gain comfort from a large turn out and its not unusual for people to attend to support a friend even though they didn't know the deceased.

Original poster
Sj17 · 20/10/2021 14:14

Thank you for all your reply .

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