A year to change my life

[Midgetwithaplan]

I've just come back from holiday and am looking around my house seeing all the half finished jobs, the jobs I never started and the things I'd like to change, I'm looking at holiday photos that show I'm 2.5st overweight and washing clothes that are old and frumpy due to the 2.5st weight issue and the fact that I don't like myself enough to spend money on clothes I don't want to be wearing. My house is full of stuff I don't want (but my husband doesn't like to throw anything away) and I just want to spend the next year changing all of these things so that when I return from holiday next October I feel differently.

So I guess I would like to know where to start with all of these things. I love lists and notebooks, but am not good at actually following through with my to do lists (I'm more of a middle manager but lacking the minions to actually do the work I think!). Money isn't an issue with my project, but my DH is. He doesn't want a cleaner in the house as we can do it ourselves, he doesn't want a window cleaner as we can do it ourselves, he doesn't want a decorator as we can do it ourselves etc etc. But I work 60 hours a week and can't do it myself! Or at least not without sacrificing sleep, downtime, gym time, etc

So any words of wisdom on this would be appreciated, anyone who wants to share their own to do list for the next year or join me on my year to change my life. I'm away with work for the next week so can't actually do any of the jobs at home/away from the gym, but I do have a lot of time for planning and list making and research, and also have my schedule until the end of Jan so can begin planning my time/start my Christmas shopping etc

Sounds like you need to start with your DH.

Couples counseling?

Or just book a window cleaner and cleaner anyway?

Or make him the first thing you get rid of?

Who cleans their own windows?

You need to get DH on side. I would just go ahead and book the cleaner and window cleaner.

Write a list of all the odd jobs which need doing and book a handy man.

Start doing Marie Kondo of your own stuff. Read the book and join slimming world or similar.

Don’t do it all at once or you will crash and burn.

Instead of trying to change everything at the same time, I would try to figure out one big thing to focus on that would help make lots of other changes easier.

You have mentioned two big things: getting physically fit and sorting out the house.

Do you think if you became more fit, it would give you more energy and motivation to fix other things you mention?

Or would it help to fix the house first, to get yourself in a good mental place to tackle losing weight and taking care of yourself?

I agree you have a DH issue too. If you have the money for cleaners, don't let him veto them.

If you work 60 hours a week you need to start outsourcing.

I'm amazed your DH can't see this. What does he contribute?

I agree that you should tackle one thing at a time. I have just started working on my weight but I’m finding that as I’m seeing a difference it’s easier to begin the next thing.

And ignore your dh. Yes you could both do it but you’re far too busy and he just isn’t. Save your time and energy for the things that only you can do such as your weight loss journey.

Your husband who is a saying you can do it yourselves, is he actually doing any of himself, or planning to, or is it just a way of shutting the conversation down?

Your husband isn't the boss, if you want to do something amd can afford to do it, them just fo it.

If he Co.plains where the cleaner is in place, for example, tell him he had plenty of opportunity to do it himself, he didn't and so now you're getting it done.

He can't really argue with that can he?

There's nothing I dislike more than a blocker.

Get a cleaner. Get a window cleaner - honestly this will make a huge difference. So what your husband doesn’t want them - you do.

Sounds like you are already in a gym. Have you a PT? Tell them your goals and get a new programme.

Pick a job that you want finished, just one. Figure that one out. For me, it’s the shed. It’s filthy, the bikes are all piled up, it’s a pain to get to anything. So I’m going to clean it out. Get bike racks and some standalone shelving units. I feel better for deciding on the plan alone!

I agree you need to either get DH on board or do the things that he objects to, anyway.

Next, last year i felt the same. I decided to declutter, 10 items a day. Its a REALLY easy target, especially to start with. Often, I got 50 or even 100 items. Other days I'd be casting around to make 10 up, depending on my time

I'm still not finished abd have gone off the boil with it a bit, but am much better at doing stuff daily, including dealing with a putting away/shredding post, chucking broken toys etc.

I think I've painted DH in a bad light because I'm feeling so frustrated with it this morning, he does do a fair amount of the housework ie, he does nearly all the cooking, we share the laundry, but he just doesn't really see the other jobs that I think need doing, ie cleaning skirting boards, shower screens, but I do agree with those that said he just shuts the conversation down. It's difficult because even after 15 years of marriage, I still don't really think of the house as mine, he owns it, so I probably do let him have the final say on things when really I should argue my point a little more.

I think those of you that are saying concentrate on me first, you're right, that is one thing I can change, and feeling happier about that might encourage me to feel happier about other things, so I will book some sessions in the gym when I get home and investigate a PT who can be a little flexible about the sessions as I always thought I'd need to commit to the same session each week?

Other than that, I will sort a window cleaner to do the windows and gutters/soffit. He's had 4 years to clean the soffit, unless he's done it by the time I get back from next week we'll have someone coming who isn't scared of heights!

Thank you for all the advice, its given me a lot to think about

You need to get your DH to realise what your (and his) time costs. My DH can be the same. He's amazing at DIY etc but he constantly says he will do everything, and then gets completely overwhelmed. I made him sit down and work out his hourly rate at work (he's well paid) versus what it would cost to get the person in and said look, your time is worth more than it will cost us to have it done.
It's not completely accurate because he wasn't taking time off to do it, but it helped put it into perspective for him.
Especially a window cleaner. For all the faff etc, it costs what - £30 every two months or similar? It's a no brainer.

(For clarity: when I say "you" I mean you and your DH!)

Yes, you can do the cleaning yourself but its easier once the big deep clean has been done. So get a cleaner in and from then on you are starting from a cleaner place.

Same with windows- get window cleaner to do a one off and then you can do it regularly from a cleaner place.

Declutter the way others above suggest (I need to do this)

Get rid of a big thing on the list each week now you are motivated to start. It will keep you going.

I need to do all this I'm on holiday now but want to get started when I'm home. The house is decorated for Halloween so getting rid of a lot of junk should be easier as my kids won't notice u till the Halloween stuff is down and then Christmas stuff goes up end of November so they will forget even more. Hopefully.

@Midgetwithaplan

I think I've painted DH in a bad light because I'm feeling so frustrated with it this morning, he does do a fair amount of the housework ie, he does nearly all the cooking, we share the laundry, but he just doesn't really see the other jobs that I think need doing, ie cleaning skirting boards, shower screens, but I do agree with those that said he just shuts the conversation down. It's difficult because even after 15 years of marriage, I still don't really think of the house as mine, he owns it, so I probably do let him have the final say on things when really I should argue my point a little more.

I think those of you that are saying concentrate on me first, you're right, that is one thing I can change, and feeling happier about that might encourage me to feel happier about other things, so I will book some sessions in the gym when I get home and investigate a PT who can be a little flexible about the sessions as I always thought I'd need to commit to the same session each week?

Other than that, I will sort a window cleaner to do the windows and gutters/soffit. He's had 4 years to clean the soffit, unless he's done it by the time I get back from next week we'll have someone coming who isn't scared of heights!

Thank you for all the advice, its given me a lot to think about

Actually you may not feel as if you 'own' the house, but technically and legally you do. You're married.

If you split more than likely assets divided fifty fifty.

Perhaps he needs a reminder of that too?

Write down all the cleaning jobs that need doing and ask when he's doing them as you are going to pay 50% to outsource for your share.

I tried to book an oven clean last spring, my DH was aghast at the price and stopped me saying he would do it. (I physically can't)
The oven has not been cleaned yet and is obviously worse than it was.
I'll be booking an oven clean as soon as possible now and when I get questioned on it tell him he has had 6 months.
If you don't feel you can overrule your DH immediately maybe do that, talk about getting a cleaner etc explaining that you can't/won't be doing it.
If he stops you because he is going to do it, put a reminder in your phone for 3 months time or whatever deadline you want and then focus on yourself for diet & exercise.
When the reminder pops up if the job hasn't been done book it in.
January is a good time for these things if you can put money away.

Start with you DH.

And then start with your loft / big storage spaces. That way you will have freed up storage space as you go. Work your way through the whole house, getting into smaller and smaller storage spaces.

Make a list of admin to do, work through it gradually.

If you don't want a regular cleaner, outsource the big one offs - chimney sweeping, oven cleaning, window cleaning, carpet cleaning, big spring / autumn garden sort out.

@GreyCarpet

Your husband who is a saying you can do it yourselves, is he actually doing any of himself, or planning to, or is it just a way of shutting the conversation down?

Your husband isn't the boss, if you want to do something amd can afford to do it, them just fo it.

If he Co.plains where the cleaner is in place, for example, tell him he had plenty of opportunity to do it himself, he didn't and so now you're getting it done.

He can't really argue with that can he?

There's nothing I dislike more than a blocker.

This. Have you thought your biggest blocker is your DH?

As people say focus on small things each time. As you said get someone to clean windows etc. That's this month, what's planned for next month then? As people say your time costs money, plus you also need you downtime. You will get exhausted and resentful trying to do it all your self. Based on what you can afford outsource out as much as you can. i have a cleaner every two weeks, i find that the weekends she is coming gives me time to tackle the big jobs like sorting out the garage or doing my wardrobe clean. Because i know that the house is clean and takes the pressure off me. Also fully recommend getting someone to clean your oven, dunno how they do it but its like new after

You don't want to live like this. You don't have to live like this.

Just state this very baldly to your DH. You aren't asking him to change. But you aren't going to live like this anymore.

So you are just going to figure out how to build exercise into your life, control your calories, and start booking people to do the jobs that need doing. Assuming you can afford it, just do it. Live the life you want in the environment you want.

I also recommend Marie Kondo as a process for decluttering, deciding what brings joy in your life and embracing that joy. The joyful life you want to live.

@M0rT

I tried to book an oven clean last spring, my DH was aghast at the price and stopped me saying he would do it. (I physically can't) The oven has not been cleaned yet and is obviously worse than it was. I'll be booking an oven clean as soon as possible now and when I get questioned on it tell him he has had 6 months. If you don't feel you can overrule your DH immediately maybe do that, talk about getting a cleaner etc explaining that you can't/won't be doing it. If he stops you because he is going to do it, put a reminder in your phone for 3 months time or whatever deadline you want and then focus on yourself for diet & exercise. When the reminder pops up if the job hasn't been done book it in. January is a good time for these things if you can put money away.

I love this idea! And think it will work for him and also me. I like the idea of working in 2 or 3 month blocks for my year, and making small gains, as well as using them to make him realise we aren't going to do the jobs we keep putting off! We both earn enough that outsourcing is not an issue, the only block is his mental one against needing help. I grew up with an au pair when my mum was too unwell to look after us after my youngest sister was born, we had cleaners at various times when needed as both of my parents worked and had periods of serious illness, whereas he grew up with a SAHM who really did do everything, and a dad who worked in education so had long periods of time off to achieve these things. Whereas life is a little different for him, and if his parents were still alive I think they could make him see the differences, whereas he just looks on a cleaner as something rich people do when they can't be bothered rather than someone who is employed to help us keep sane!